Adam Kontras.com - How cool was that?





alou ha

3:33 AM, Sunday, August 7th, 2005:

One of the greatest strengths in the layout of this site (for me personally) is the ability to click any month and actually feel it. There's something about the pictures, titles and color scheme that immediately remind me of what that month and year in time was like. Then of course the videos and entries make it even more vivid. My whole life I've always wished I could capture feelings and experience them whenever. If I could add "smell" downloads I would. I'm just obsessive about being as honest about how I feel when I start one of these puppies (that's Adamspeak for "entries) so in 5 years when I reread it I can remember, and even learn from what happened.

I really have no idea how to do that here though. It's something that shouldn't even be public really because it's so hard for anyone to read, but I only lock things out of respect to others and try never to censor who I am to the people following this. I promised myself a long time ago I wouldn't do that. So you'll need to allow me to really go inward here for a bit. I guess the tired "self-letter" routine is my best bet:

Adam,

(sigh) You have to remember this. You have to remember how you feel right now. You are absolutely despondent. You are amazed by it. You can't believe it. You keep thinking you're overreacting yet everyday you wake up and it gets worse. You have literally thought about this situation a 2-3 times every ten minutes. It consumes everything you do, and you have no one to talk to about it. The only time this entire trip you have felt good was being in Jessica's company for a couple of hours. It was a high that lasted you for about 30 minutes after she left and then you could not BELIEVE how quickly a veil of depression swept over you. You actually looked up confused that night at Marty's as if someone had slipped a drug into your drink because it was so seemingly out of your control.

The reuion tonight? Absolutely one of the most painful thing you've been through. Every movement took effort and every step was without her and you knew it. When her song for you came on you got up, stood in the back of the room to hide the tears streaming down your face because you remembered how alone she felt in St. Louis and how badly you relate at this moment.

The image of you hugging her 3 days ago and how you both looked in the reflection of her car hasn't left your head for more than 20 minutes and you can't stop praying that she saw what you saw. The truth is, she is much further along with him than even you assumed. You have had to watch her put pictures of him on her website with "cutie-pie" captions and even more loving entries. The karma of his website and locked entry titles saying how perfect he thinks she is overwhelms you.

I know I've missed things, but reread this at some point. Remember this. Don't ever, ever, ever underestimate how valuable that human connection is ever again. Give up everything in your life for it if you have to. You literally cannot function without that support and losing your "fairy tale" dreams in LA to be with her is nothing compared to what you are right now. A completely broken man.

Adam

...now I'll continue with the rest of the entry in the normal fashion. I just had, had, had to do that.

So I've gotten the instant message from a few of you since I've been here: "SOOOOOOO?!?!!?". As if this trip was somehow my heroic attempt to fly back and win the heart of my beloved Jessica and live happily ever after. Where would you ever get the idea that I'm that dramatic?

Don't answer that.

If you take a good look at everything that has happened to me on this hellish road to nowhere you'll see a pattern of "Give me the shot, I'll do the rest." Basically, HEAR ME OUT. Nothing aggrivates me more than not getting the opportunity to show what I can do, or what I'm trying to say. Now if I believe I've had a clear shot at showing everything - and it's not good enough? I'll live with that. I can't be anymore than I am.

Jess completely understands that I'm serious about moving back, or being anywhere she wants to be as long as she's there. She sees it in my eyes. She knows that my heart is out of this journey and I've never needed her more in my life. It simply doesn't phase her. The pictures of her new boyfriend are up on her myspace site and the symbolic entries and "telling titles" of locked entries continue...

...and boy that's a karma I never thought I'd know. The whole online journal thing? Yeah, fuck me. This is what I get for minialaur in April. Hell all of it. So sorry to the readers who have had to rip their hair out because of locked entries. I get it now. I realllllllllllllllly get it.

Anyway, I'm side-tracking here. She's done. She's done with me like she was done in February, only this time the guy isn't married or a rebound. It's funny, in order to even see her a couple days ago I said she would have to have a negative list for him. What could she come up with? He doesn't like TV. LOL. I know give it time, and the toilet seat will enter the picture and all the other shit - but right now it's "he doesn't like TV". So I proceeded during our entire conversation to bring up how much I LIKED TV and how I had just bought some TV shows on DVD this past week...and well hey - 4TEEEVEEEs.com - come on! LOL.

What can I say - it's humiliating to be replaced. I absolutely feel like I deserve a "pause" in her new life with all that has changed in ours... but it's not my choice to make. Our phone conversations are quickly becoming impossible to continue. She can only say "I'm sorry" so many times until she needs to hang up and go back to him. I really can't see us talking much at all for a very, very long time. It's the biggest revelation I've had out here. The only thing that feels worse than not being able to talk to her and have that connection? Talking to her...and not having that connection. It's literally like being kicked a few times after getting knocked out in a prize-fight. But of course there is no one on the planet who knows me like Jessica. Not even close. When that song came on at the reunion I wanted so badly for someone to just friggin' hug me and say "you're gonna be alright man...give it time" and no one even understands what the hell I'm dealing with except her. I end up texting her: "I have no one to call...", she calls back from a date and of course...ends up just making it worse. Why? Because she has nothing to say. Of course she cares but as a distant friend on a phone that knows her boyfriend is waiting for her to come back. This is truly a loneliness I have never known. And literally the worst case of timing I have ever had in my life.

So I guess the positive entry streak for the month of August ends at ONE. LOL. Sorry guys. I can hear you now "Quit feeling sorry for yourself..." but this is legitimate. It's how I should feel. I've been connected to her non-stop for seven years. When shit is sad - I feel it, I show it, I sing it, I process it, I live it. I never hold it in. Granted I hold it OUT a bit to the extreme, but that passion to feel and LIVE is what fuels the GOOD times too. It is not something to be ashamed of. If more people understood that we'd all be better off.

But fuck, I am in no shape to give people advice on how to handle things right now. LOL. I mean I just started that last sentence with "But Fuck", I'm clearly not well. So enjoy the song and bear with me. I'm sure Cheryl will come to the rescue and provide some good entry fodder in the coming weeks.

Adam

PS - I love ya Jess. Keep following your heart. You are doing the right thing and you'll make the right decisions for you (and in turn both of us) when it is all said and done. And I'm gonna go watch some TEEEVEEE now before I go to bed. Night...

;-)

?

3:33 AM, Sunday, August 7th, 2005: One of the greatest strengths in the layout of this site (for me personally) is the ability to click any month and actually feel it. There's something about the pictures, titles and color scheme that immediately remind me of what that month and year in time was like. Then of course the videos and entries make it even more vivid. My whole life I've always wished I could capture feelings and experience them whenever. If I could add "smell" downloads I would. I'm just obsessive about being as honest about how I feel when I start one of these puppies (that's Adamspeak for "entries) so in 5 years when I reread it I can remember, and even learn from what happened. I really have no idea how to do that here though. It's something that shouldn't even be public really because it's so hard for anyone to read, but I only lock things out of respect to others and try never to censor who I am to the people following this. I promised myself a long time ago I wouldn't do that. So you'll need to allow me to really go inward here for a bit. I guess the tired "self-letter" routine is my best bet: Adam, (sigh) You have to remember this. You have to remember how you feel right now. You are absolutely despondent. You are amazed by it. You can't believe it. You keep thinking you're overreacting yet everyday you wake up and it gets worse. You have literally thought about this situation a 2-3 times every ten minutes. It consumes everything you do, and you have no one to talk to about it. The only time this entire trip you have felt good was being in Jessica's company for a couple of hours. It was a high that lasted you for about 30 minutes after she left and then you could not BELIEVE how quickly a veil of depression swept over you. You actually looked up confused that night at Marty's as if someone had slipped a drug into your drink because it was so seemingly out of your control. The reuion tonight? Absolutely one of the most painful thing you've been through. Every movement took effort and every step was without her and you knew it. When her song for you came on you got up, stood in the back of the room to hide the tears streaming down your face because you remembered how alone she felt in St. Louis and how badly you relate at this moment. The image of you hugging her 3 days ago and how you both looked in the reflection of her car hasn't left your head for more than 20 minutes and you can't stop praying that she saw what you saw. The truth is, she is much further along with him than even you assumed. You have had to watch her put pictures of him on her website with "cutie-pie" captions and even more loving entries. The karma of *his* website and locked entry titles saying how perfect he thinks she is overwhelms you. I know I've missed things, but reread this at some point. Remember this. Don't ever, ever, ever underestimate how valuable that human connection is ever again. Give up everything in your life for it if you have to. You literally cannot function without that support and losing your "fairy tale" dreams in LA to be with her is nothing compared to what you are right now. A completely broken man. Adam ...now I'll continue with the rest of the entry in the normal fashion. I just had, had, had to do that. So I've gotten the instant message from a few of you since I've been here: "SOOOOOOO?!?!!?". As if this trip was somehow my heroic attempt to fly back and win the heart of my beloved Jessica and live happily ever after. Where would you ever get the idea that I'm that dramatic? Don't answer that. If you take a good look at everything that has happened to me on this hellish road to nowhere you'll see a pattern of "Give me the shot, I'll do the rest." Basically, HEAR ME OUT. Nothing aggrivates me more than not getting the opportunity to show what I can do, or what I'm trying to say. Now if I believe I've had a clear shot at showing everything - and it's not good enough? I'll live with that. I can't be anymore than I am. Jess completely understands that I'm serious about moving back, or being anywhere she wants to be as long as she's there. She sees it in my eyes. She knows that my heart is out of this journey and I've never needed her more in my life. It simply doesn't phase her. The pictures of her new boyfriend are up on her myspace site and the symbolic entries and "telling titles" of locked entries continue... ...and boy that's a karma I never thought I'd know. The whole online journal thing? Yeah, fuck me. This is what I get for minialaur in April. Hell all of it. So sorry to the readers who have had to rip their hair out because of locked entries. I get it now. I realllllllllllllllly get it. Anyway, I'm side-tracking here. She's done. She's done with me like she was done in February, only this time the guy isn't married or a rebound. It's funny, in order to even see her a couple days ago I said she would have to have a negative list for him. What could she come up with? He doesn't like TV. LOL. I know give it time, and the toilet seat will enter the picture and all the other shit - but right now it's "he doesn't like TV". So I proceeded during our entire conversation to bring up how much I LIKED TV and how I had just bought some TV shows on DVD this past week...and well hey - 4TEEEVEEEs.com - come on! LOL. What can I say - it's humiliating to be replaced. I absolutely feel like I deserve a "pause" in her new life with all that has changed in ours... but it's not my choice to make. Our phone conversations are quickly becoming impossible to continue. She can only say "I'm sorry" so many times until she needs to hang up and go back to him. I really can't see us talking much at all for a very, very long time. It's the biggest revelation I've had out here. The only thing that feels worse than not being able to talk to her and have that connection? Talking to her...and not having that connection. It's literally like being kicked a few times after getting knocked out in a prize-fight. But of course there is no one on the planet who knows me like Jessica. Not even close. When that song came on at the reunion I wanted so badly for someone to just friggin' hug me and say "you're gonna be alright man...give it time" and no one even understands what the hell I'm dealing with except her. I end up texting her: "I have no one to call...", she calls back from a date and of course...ends up just making it worse. Why? Because she has nothing to say. Of course she cares but as a distant friend on a phone that knows her boyfriend is waiting for her to come back. This is truly a loneliness I have never known. And literally the worst case of timing I have ever had in my life. So I guess the positive entry streak for the month of August ends at ONE. LOL. Sorry guys. I can hear you now "Quit feeling sorry for yourself..." but this is legitimate. It's how I should feel. I've been connected to her non-stop for seven years. When shit is sad - I feel it, I show it, I sing it, I process it, I live it. I never hold it in. Granted I hold it OUT a bit to the extreme, but that passion to feel and LIVE is what fuels the GOOD times too. It is not something to be ashamed of. If more people understood that we'd all be better off. But fuck, I am in no shape to give people advice on how to handle things right now. LOL. I mean I just started that last sentence with "But Fuck", I'm clearly not well. So enjoy the song and bear with me. I'm sure Cheryl will come to the rescue and provide some good entry fodder in the coming weeks. Adam PS - I love ya Jess. Keep following your heart. You are doing the right thing and you'll make the right decisions for you (and in turn both of us) when it is all said and done. And I'm gonna go watch some TEEEVEEE now before I go to bed. Night... ;-)