- 10:15 AM,
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005:
-
- I would honestly
change the channel halfway through this entry if it
were a tv show or movie. It seems so over the top. So
much so that as I woke up from these dreams I thought
the same thing. But, it is an interesting read I
guess, and I sure as hell know I need to write
this
-
- So of course
yesterday was horrendous. I thought I was at peace, I
was anything but. Every moment wondering what was
happening next with her. Every step. It was almost
unliveable. I finally left work early as I just
couldnt concentrate on anything. I had to get
home and put everything into some sort of order in my
head, so I could concentrate on other things and be
productive for the next few days.
-
- I went home,
watched the last song
I really like that little
ditty. I wrote it with the thought in mind that just
by her stepping on the plane it was done. Of
course that isnt true. And I started to search
my soul with what I could truly, truly forgive. My
emotions all day yesterday ranged from anger, to
arrogance, to pain, to forgiveness
just
everywhere. No matter how logically I spoke about it,
and how right I was when it came to my arguments
my heart was weeping. I just loved her so much.
I felt that connection again. For the first time in
YEARS I felt that bond with her and even with her
turning her back and specifically ignoring that by
hurting me even more
I still felt it. I still
thought all she had to do was come home and say she
wanted to try and I would forgive
everything.
-
- Then I laid down
to go to sleep
wow. The second I hit the bed, I
realized she was also at a nice hotel room in bed
and
man I have never felt more alone. It
was surreal. Realize, Im not 15. Ive been
through some pretty heartbreaking situations. So many
loves, so many experiences but nothing prepared
me for the pain. And its not just what
physically is happening. Its that her heart is
enraptured with someone else. The hollowness was
unprecedented. I laid in bed in shock. People keep
saying you have to stop thinking about it
well
how is that even possible? And amazingly, I was just
amazed at how much you can actually hurt. I
wasnt crying, I was numb. Somehow I drifted off.
And yes, I thought of every possibly thing they were
doing. Its just how my mind works. I always
think of every option. Its great at work
its great with problem solving, but here it is
just outrageously and grossly painful. But I drifted
off
-
- The dream seemed
reasonable enough. Jess and I lived in Columbus at the
home I spent the majority of my childhood at on
Northridge Rd. It was our home and Jess speed up in
her car from the airport obviously a day short. I was
surprised and she mentioned something about
workers comp. The Vegas Guy had gotten hurt and
everything was ruined. She came back, we embraced and
cried and lalalalala everything was beautiful. I
remember waking up and thinking: Oh this is
helping. Im not stupid, I know exactly
what is going on with them and its what she
needs to do. I in no way believe shes going to
come back and tell me nothing happened. So this
dream
ugh. But off to sleep again.
-
- Now this second
one is as if my mortal enemy got control of my dreams
for one night and decided to break my heart. This one
RULES.
-
- Jessica comes back
from Vegas a day early again this time because of
something with her. I notice she is showing. She found
out she was pregnant (and in dreamworld it was
completely appropriate that you are skinny one day and
huge the next day). We knew it was from the last time
we were together and she was ready to be with me. In
the dream we just hung out. I listened to her stomach,
heard the heartbeat everything. I remember even
making the realization that Vegas Guy knew before me
and that ripped me apart. Jessica said she told no one
else and he just happened to be there. I asked if she
let him listen to her stomach and she said no and I
cried that I just couldnt handle being 2nd to
him on something so important.
-
- Then the part that
killed me. I was with her back at my fathers
house and I wanted to tell him before he saw her
obvious stomach so I pulled him into my old bedroom
that was immediately my old bedroom from the early 80s
and he looked like my Dad circa 1984. Christ Im
crying at work as Im typing this. And I told him
Im gonna be a father. He smiled and
hugged me and it was just one of the most touching
moments I can remember. We were walking back into the
kitchen when I woke up.
-
- The fact the one
of the most touching scenes in my memory doesnt
even exist and is a complete fucking dream is not lost
on me. Its only 10:35 AM the next morning so
its obviously very fresh. Its just such an
insight into what I truly want in life. Its just
so incredibly clear to me now and is in every single
step of my day. The problem of course is Jess
hasnt called me, Jess isnt coming home
early, and we all know what Jess is going to say
either tomorrow night or Friday. The question
Ive been struggling with is do I forgive
her?
-
- The answer now is
obviously yes. It doesnt matter what happens in
Vegas. Its a situation I created by even letting
her go in the first place. It is painfully obvious
that I love her to death and believe that she still
loves me and Im willing to forgive just about
anything right now for the chance to let her see that.
And heres the rub. Heres the final slap in
the face:
-
- It makes no
difference. Because she is not going to feel a THING
for me now. Lets be frank here people
whats happening as I type this is her breaking
off completely in every possible way from me.
Emotionally, physically, everything. She is going to
come back, look me in the eye and not give a
rats ass if Im willing to forgive her
because she didnt feel enough for me before she
went, and she sure as hell wont feel it now.
From her perspective why would she? To try and work
things out would mean not talking to him during that
time and how can she do that? After what theyre
going through right at this moment? Its very
obvious that this is not going to end very good. I am
going to see a very different person Thursday night or
most likely Friday. She will be emotionless and
certain of her choices
. Goddamnit Im
leaving out one very, very big piece of information
about this guys situation that undercuts all of
this. It changes the whole situation dramatically but
because I love Jessica so much I just cant write
it. It doesnt really matter I guess. The bottom
line is her heart is going to be with him for quite
some time.
-
- The writing is so
on the wall here. The moment she stepped on that plane
she was taking specific steps to break off completely
from me. Her saying she wanted to move back in and
work things out was completely out of pity and her
actions show that louder than anything. I will of
course wait, hope and pray that she has a change of
heart (and good lord if we can get through this how
can we not be FATED), but Im not so emotional
that I cant see whats happening. And it is
simply the saddest situation Ive ever
imagined.
-
- What does feel
good however, is that my heart seems to be 5 sizes
bigger than I ever thought it could be. I cant
believe Im being understanding enough to accept
whats happening with Jess at this moment, and
still want to forgive her. Part of me feels like the
biggest pussy in the world, and the other side knows
that honest-to-goodness true love is so rare. I
cant help but be proud of how Im handling
this. Granted Im gonna get drunk tonight because
I know damn well if they didnt last night
they're sure as FUCK going to tonight and I just
cant be in my right mind. If there was ever a
legitimate reason to be drunk it would be
tonight. LOL. I can see no other possible way to avoid
the scenarios and POSITIONS that will be running
through my head once the sun goes down tonight. My
sober mind will short-circuit otherwise. Please
dont be worried about me, overeating will be the
death of me long before alcohol will be. And knowing
me Im going to go home and write a song and make
a video and forget about drinking. Its usually
how it goes. Why do I have to be so honest? Jesus,
shut up Adam.
-
- Adam
-
- PS - The
video
was obviously done after work when I got home. As
I type this before I go to sleep I am
not only a little angry - my entire persepctive on
this has completely changed. All I can do is
upload the video and type the next entry tomorrow. For
now I must face the worst feeling of loneliness
I've ever fuckin' known. I can't imagine the
entry tomorrow will not only be scathing, but locked
forever. I apologize.
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