I think the wisest
thing one can accept in life is that it will always be
a journey. There will never be a destination. If there
is, you've stopped trying. You will learn more and
more about yourself and others, every day of your life
and your issues may be different 10 years from now,
but they will be replaced.
You'd think I, of
all people, would know this. I only write "The
Journey", and have written the same thing about my
career and even my addictions to food... but
I haven't until this moment however accepted it
in my personal life. If I was able to get to the point
with my overeating to say: "Adam, you will always have
a hard time eating a small amount of junk food.
Moderation, maturity and good ol' fashion strength
will get you through " I should have no problem
saying: "Adam, you will always have a hard time
falling a tiny bit in love. Moderation, maturity and
good ol' fashion strength will get you
through."
So the "woman I
have yet to meet", whom I had such strong feelings
for, did finally take the time to listen to me and has
been incredibly understanding. The other? Not so much.
Which breaks my heart 'cause I think she's wonderful
too - we simply haven't shared the same amount. Time
will tell there. Anyway, amazingly, even though it
feels like wild horses couldn't drag us away from each
other... we may not meet. I know, I know ask me when
I actually LAND in Columbus right... but she
really just knocked me over a few minutes ago by
calling this what it clearly is: an addiction. We were
all consumed with each other to the point of
addiction. 5 hour phone calls.... almost nightly. Even
her being that angry that I was gonna see
someone else the night before meeting her... even
though I never promised otherwise. We both have
to take a step back and look at how this addiction
hurts us. And I think it's the romantic in me that
felt it was somehow sacrilege to think of love in the
same vein as the other things. That the most beautiful
thing in the world to me, that all consuming wondrous
whirlwind of getting to know one another, SHOULD be
artificially slowed down. That I have to treat it the
same way as I do when I want to eat 5 double
stacks at Wendy's....
IN THE CAR BEFORE I GET HOME.
Even as I type it it actually stings to think it's the
same thing - but it is. And it's unlike most men... my
addiction to love is not in quantity or just sex,
although looking back it's not a small number - but
quantity doesn't really trigger my issue. For me it's
the connection. It's those shared moments, those
special moments that only you can have with that
person. It's certainly not every person, but when
I find someone that clicks with me? Lookout. I
feel it with every fiber of my being. I am in
that person. Perfect example is a few entries
back...
Lovely, your heart
- may be one of the most perfect love songs I've ever
written. Dealing with the feeling of being in love but
knowing you're not ready. The connection that inspired
that song was unbelieveable, but watch it again, then
repeat this truth: I wrote that song for someone
I had never met before, only spoke with on the
phone for a WEEK... never even videophoned with. Gulp.
Reading that, you have to think I must be sick.
No one should ever have that level of connection that
quickly. But I do. And guess what... art comes from
addiction. The best songs are instant - best jokes
write themselves and they come from people that are
open enough to let those influences in. Artists don't
get addicted to drugs because they're weak, they get
addicted to drugs because that same openness and
ability to communicate through their art... lends them
to be open to those drugs. I don't drink, I don't
do drugs, but I love with more passion than anyone
I've ever known/heard/read about. It is an addiction,
it is feeding a need and I'm fucking good at it. LOL.
Lemme prove it. LMAO.
And I haven't the
fuckiest idea how you balance that and have a
successful relationship. What I'm frightened of more
than anything is that it's not possible. Anything that
powerful will fade away and unless there is extreme
maturity it won't last. Or you go comfortable and have
a passionless marriage. Because I don't know the
middle ground. I guess Jess was the middle ground
but we'll never know how that would have turned out
since we made the choice to let go before we were
ready. But Jess and I were attached at the HIP. I
think of that relationship now and it occurs to me
that maybe that wasn't healthy? 'Cause we only wanted
to be with each other? But, then, goddamn what the
hell is the point?
I HAVE NO ANSWERS.
lol. And that's probably the wisest thing I've written
in the entire entry.
:-)
Adam
PS -
Is this really an addiction? Is this
really something bad? I love these songs,
I love how passionate I am... to
think this is somehow an addiction is more
than heartbreaking. May have to think
about this one...
