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unlocked
01.09.09
12:02 PM, Tuesday,
December 23rd, 2008:
This isn't new
information. I'm not even sure why it hits me each
time, but it does. No matter how much I wish I could
just be "surface" with women? It goes against every
single fiber of my being. Unless I'm married of
course. If I'm in a committed relationship I simply
don't go beyond a certain point even intellectually. I
know damn well that intimacy of the mind leads to
other things and I just don't go there. Single
however? It's a fucking impossibility.
If I were to break
down a conversation analytically I can always spot the
fork in the road that takes a simple conversation to a
deep conversation. It's almost always me perceiving
something that hasn't been said - and just throwing it
out there. I get a feeling, I literally feel like I'm
inside the other person's soul and I actually feel
them. I say one thing that seemingly comes out of
nowhere to them, they realize I'm perceptive - and the
walls come tumblin' down. It isn't a game, it isn't
some fuckin' scam to get close to women - it's just
who I am. My childhood experiences with my mother, and
her relationships growing up, gave me a world of
information... from the woman's perspective. Throw in
the lesson of WTVN which was "Listen, listen, listen"
(rare for a talk show host, I know) and you have a man
who at times is 99% female. Well, it's probably more
like 95%, I'm very proud of the junk. LOL.
That's why Spencer
is so believeable. It's not some secret double-life I
lead, it's the ability to be in touch with that side
of my psyche and have zero fear with showing it. The
problem is that I'm not ready for these connections. I
mean, I'm capable of them -- and after Donna, that's a
Godsend for sure -- but I haven't the fuckiest idea
what to do with them once I've found them. The normal
flow of a relationship is impossible for me right now
but because of the way I communicate? I cannot
half-ass. No matter how badly I want to just meet some
people, have a good time, not get serious? There's
inevitably that fork in the road where I say something
that completely cuts to the person on the other line.
Before you know it, the phone hangs up, 6 hours have
passed, and you're completely confused at what it all
means. It doesn't happen all the time (the person
clearly has to be ready) but when it does, it's
intense and it's special.
But
can my head take it? Can my heart take it?
Like, I just want to drink the water...
but I end up peeling off the label and
envisioning the manufacturing of the
bottle. The Mr. Rogers films of factory
lines and the industrial age. I want to
get as deep as I can and understand the
absolute root of it all. It's the exact
same with women. I love women. I
understand the shit they feel and I tend
to have a profoundly positive effect on
them simply by listening and
communicating. What an arrogant fucking
entry THIS is. I have to be honest
though.
There's a reason
I'm friends with every woman I've ever been with. I'm
not an asshole. I don't fuck them over. My goal is
positivity at all costs. I will bend over backwards to
make sure that is communicated to any woman who lets
me into her life. It's just in me. The question now
is, can you have uncomplicated sex without hiring a
prostitute?
Jesus this just
got locked. LMAO. Damnit, I wish I wouldn't. Why do I
feel so embarrassed by that? I think it's 'cause my
family reads this and goddamn I'm already the
overdramatic one of the bunch, but that's what it
really comes down to. I'm certainly not meeting women
to make my life EASIER (fuck is that even possible?),
I'm meeting women because of "needs". But leave it to
me to quickly throw those out the window and feel
compelled to connect. Seriously, can I just find the
soul mate already and be done with this shit?
Heh.
But in all
honesty, I'm incredibly thankful for the ability. It's
the foundation of my life. It's why I write how I do,
sing how I do, act how I do and create how I do. It's
no surprise that those same traits spill over into my
interpersonal relationships and there's absolutely
nothing wrong with it. Why should I ever want to be
like every other man and just fuck a chorus
line...
