(If your computer can handle
it please click this YouTube
linkand 'Watch in HD'. It's
Incredible.)
9:36 PM, Friday,
December 19th, 2008:
After spending all
day writing and re-writing a letter (and I do
mean all day), I finally just gave up. Strange
for me to not find the right words to express myself,
and really fucking frustrating to tell you the truth.
As you may have noticed, I don't tend to have
writer's block. Heh.
Driving
home I just kinda came up with "i can
promise you that i can't promise you" and
ran to the piano the moment I got in
and finished the rest. Of course this
wrote itself instantly, said absolutely
everything I wanted and is really very
precious.
It's a
good lesson in structure. Sometimes grid
paper is needed for art 'cause a blank
canvas makes you do too much. Forced to
pay attention to meter and rhyme and you
edit the bullshit and get to the
point.
Now contrary to
popular belief, I do have a personal life that remains
outside of these pages. The confusion comes in when
situations like Donna that seep into The Journey. The
difference is simple: she was my wife. She wrote an
entry for crying out loud. Actually, she wrote an
entry WHILE crying out loud. Ha ha. But anyway you
can't introduce something that life changing to the
story that's supposed to chronicle what shapes someone
trying to make it in this business -- and then not
explain the resolution. It's unfair to those following
it.
However there are
a plethora of things that happen that move me on a
very personal level and it really is between me and
that person. Even with something as public as Donna
the majority is completely private. It has everything
to do with the other person. And honestly, even when
they ASK for it to be public (as Donna did last year)
I am extreeeeeeeeeeeemely hesitant to do that because
it's still on my site. It seems exploitive and
although I'm willing to exploit my soul, it
always feels wrong to be the stage for someone else's.
I'm the one hitting upload so it's on me.
So in the case of
this song, this entry, this moment I can say this
much: I'm healing. I'm being inspired again. I'm
falling in love with the human condition that goes
through hardships and DEALS with them. I'm finding a
world of integrity and it's so attractive I can
barely keep away. It's what I said in my
"Independent Actions" song:
I am
integrity, I'm an honest man, I inspire
I believe,
So
where's the woman who will take a stand for
me?
It's just me
saying that I deserve to be inspired. Someone needs to
meet my level of honesty and self-awareness.
I don't want to hold your hand and "hope" you
kickass. I want you to kick MY ass and make
ME climb higher. Well I'm finding that. My openness is
inspiring the same and I'm feeling connections again.
It's wonderful. I'm also, as I mention in the
song, not ready yet. I won't short-change this period
in my life again. I have to find my way for a
bit. But I'll admit I can't stop running through
this woman's story in my mind. Fuck yes you go to his
work punch him in the face and announce what a dick he
is to his office. Fuck. Yes. And you never let
him back in, no matter what church dogma may say, and
you stand up. And, you raise your own bar for anyone
who you let in from that point on. If they don't meet
or surpass yours? Goodbye. You're an incredible,
giving, caring person and never again will that be
given to someone who doesn't appreciate
it.
Best part about
the end of that paragraph? I could have been talking
about myself.
:-)
i
can promise you,
that
i can't promise you,
anything
right now.
but
i won't lie to you,
my
heart's inside of you,
and
i will show you how,
don't
be afraid of all your
fear,
it
can't exist if you don't hear it in
your heart,
lovely,
your heart,
lovely...
you
inspired me,
you
are integrity,
you
healed my jaded heart,
but
i can't lie to you,
the
wound is still so new,
i'm
nowhere near the start,
i
need to see things to their
end,
i
need to redefine a friend...but then
your heart,
