(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
3:32 PM, Thursday,
December 4th, 2008:
A year ago today,
I knew exactly where I would be right now.
I was heartbroken about it, but today was the day
where I not only wrote it/said it/sang it - I
made it an entry to hold myself accountable. It's why
I've grown to love this project so much. You cannot
run from it, you certainly can't hide from it - and it
makes me a better man. It also has allows me to handle
unbelieveably trying situations with relative calm and
ease. It's a source of strength that is almost
spiritual for me. And the entry a year ago is proof of
that. With my world collapsing and stuck in an abusive
situation I knew exactly what to do...
I wrote a
locked
entry
- a refuge for me to be safe and get the truth out
without concern for what people would think. (It
was later unlocked on Donna's request - see the
entry for details - amazing story)
I
wrote and recorded a song that
communicated perfectly how I felt.
Ignore the words and music and you
still see and feel a beaten man - I
love Journey Songs for that very
reason. When you record the "moment" of
songwriting, production can't erase the
emotion.
I knew this was
the start of a divorce even if my heart still believed
she could pull through so I made the entry templates
from 2004 when I went through my separation from Jess.
By putting the entries up with that template it forced
me to stand up for myself and not take the abuse
anymore. There was no turnin' back and documenting it
kept me accountable.
That little
5-part
series
entitled "Rest Easy, Donna" not only helped me then,
but in the year since has allowed me to re-live that
moment (and the insanity to follow) with such vivid
detail... that it's kept the sadness at a minimum.
It's all right there in white and black. Donna even
wrote her own entry within the series and even
that's helpful because it reminds me that she
DID get it. I wasn't insane to support her through
therapy because no matter what she says now, at one
point she understood it was necessary. I made the
right choices. Without The Journey? How? How could I
have ever been that strong? How could I have ever made
the choices I did? Dealt with the HGTV humiliation
less than 2 months later? This outlet and the art
within kept me centered, calm and strong as hell. I am
completely grateful to it and it's why I am tolerant
of every single faith and process anyone has...that
works for them.
<total
kick-ass life lesson about tolerance starts now
:-)>
After my
"Isolation" entry I got several emails of concern.
From telling me I needed to talk to a therapist, to
explaining the medication I could take to lessen the
depression, to explaining how Jesus and a strong
foundation of church will help, to the lessons and
proverbs of the universe and how I should really think
of things. What these people didn't realize is that
they actually just saw my "therapy" and it worked. I
was sad, I cried. Voila. I made art out of it, I
created and communicated and healed. But I loooooooove
that anyone took the time to write to me, show concern
for me, and share their ways to process. That is love.
I'm not offended in the least and I find it
fascinating how people get by. Their ways are not
right for me -- never have been -- but I recognize
that I am doing the exact same thing as them. You
could replace "The Journey" in the beginning of this
entry with "Jesus", "Prozac", "Therapist Jane"...
anything. Which is why I am accepting of all belief
systems that work for that person. Tolerance is
essential for peace and harmony. Fundamentalism is
essential for war and dischord.
</tolerance
lesson :-)>
It's why I was
with Donna over a year supporting her process (even
though it changed weekly) until finally she was so
rageful towards me that I had to say: "You have to
speak with a professional". Because of this website I
was able to account for her patterns that my mind may
have glossed over and calmly say: "this is too much."
It's why I'm painstakingly honest in these entries
(and why so many are locked when they concern other
people) because it's a foundation for the tough times.
It allowed me to give her every, possible, freaking,
process she needed out of love, but when everything
failed, when the rage still came almost weekly, we
both knew there was no other option but to seek
professional help. I had already seen too much to
believe she would be able to keep it up, but I was
open to being proven wrong. Without this outlet I
could never have been that patient. Halleleujah, Holy
Shit, where's the Tylenol.
So clearly, I'm
doin' well with everything and am finally back
to the dude in June who was singing to his hands:
"stop playing sad chords" 'cause he was actually
happy. The Journey reminded me of something I had
forgotten for a bit: the almost weekly conversations
Donna would have with friends and family about how the
recent past was horrible, but she figured it out and
everything was perfect. It was difficult to hear then
because it wasn't exactly "true"... 'cause the pattern
never ended. I was always glad she was on-board at the
time and ready to make things work, but it blew up
every time. The eureka moment for me was that I was
realizing that I was now the outsider hearing the
"perfect" story unable to see the blow-up that was
sure to follow. And realize, this is with asking for
no contact until March. She would just find a way to
let me know what brilliant things she was up to.
(sigh). Thankfully that seems to be coming to an
end.
Now I have to
admit that it isn't entirely because of that
eureka moment that I've found myself in a better
place. I was able to see a picture that reminded me
instantly who she was. I have a hard time
seeing anything but beauty when I look through
our pictures/videos - it's part of my tendency to
always see the good first. Hell, 1st, 2nd and 3rd.
Especially in pictures. But I finally saw one that
instantly made me "feel" the eggshells
scattered across my floor. It's wonderful. And no, I'm
not posting it. :-)
So
peruse those 5
entries
if you have time and envelop yourself in
some insanity for a bit. It's gripping
stuff. Usually ends up being the most
helpful entries for people when they
happen upon the site. It also makes the
song to your right make a fuckzillagram
more sense.