5
 
 
(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
 
3:32 PM, Thursday, December 4th, 2008:
 
A year ago today, I knew exactly where I would be right now. I was heartbroken about it, but today was the day where I not only wrote it/said it/sang it - I made it an entry to hold myself accountable. It's why I've grown to love this project so much. You cannot run from it, you certainly can't hide from it - and it makes me a better man. It also has allows me to handle unbelieveably trying situations with relative calm and ease. It's a source of strength that is almost spiritual for me. And the entry a year ago is proof of that. With my world collapsing and stuck in an abusive situation I knew exactly what to do...
 
I wrote a locked entry - a refuge for me to be safe and get the truth out without concern for what people would think. (It was later unlocked on Donna's request - see the entry for details - amazing story)
 
I wrote and recorded a song that communicated perfectly how I felt. Ignore the words and music and you still see and feel a beaten man - I love Journey Songs for that very reason. When you record the "moment" of songwriting, production can't erase the emotion.
 
I knew this was the start of a divorce even if my heart still believed she could pull through so I made the entry templates from 2004 when I went through my separation from Jess. By putting the entries up with that template it forced me to stand up for myself and not take the abuse anymore. There was no turnin' back and documenting it kept me accountable.

 

That little 5-part series entitled "Rest Easy, Donna" not only helped me then, but in the year since has allowed me to re-live that moment (and the insanity to follow) with such vivid detail... that it's kept the sadness at a minimum. It's all right there in white and black. Donna even wrote her own entry within the series and even that's helpful because it reminds me that she DID get it. I wasn't insane to support her through therapy because no matter what she says now, at one point she understood it was necessary. I made the right choices. Without The Journey? How? How could I have ever been that strong? How could I have ever made the choices I did? Dealt with the HGTV humiliation less than 2 months later? This outlet and the art within kept me centered, calm and strong as hell. I am completely grateful to it and it's why I am tolerant of every single faith and process anyone has...that works for them.
 
<total kick-ass life lesson about tolerance starts now :-)>
 
After my "Isolation" entry I got several emails of concern. From telling me I needed to talk to a therapist, to explaining the medication I could take to lessen the depression, to explaining how Jesus and a strong foundation of church will help, to the lessons and proverbs of the universe and how I should really think of things. What these people didn't realize is that they actually just saw my "therapy" and it worked. I was sad, I cried. Voila. I made art out of it, I created and communicated and healed. But I loooooooove that anyone took the time to write to me, show concern for me, and share their ways to process. That is love. I'm not offended in the least and I find it fascinating how people get by. Their ways are not right for me -- never have been -- but I recognize that I am doing the exact same thing as them. You could replace "The Journey" in the beginning of this entry with "Jesus", "Prozac", "Therapist Jane"... anything. Which is why I am accepting of all belief systems that work for that person. Tolerance is essential for peace and harmony. Fundamentalism is essential for war and dischord.
 
</tolerance lesson :-)>
 
It's why I was with Donna over a year supporting her process (even though it changed weekly) until finally she was so rageful towards me that I had to say: "You have to speak with a professional". Because of this website I was able to account for her patterns that my mind may have glossed over and calmly say: "this is too much." It's why I'm painstakingly honest in these entries (and why so many are locked when they concern other people) because it's a foundation for the tough times. It allowed me to give her every, possible, freaking, process she needed out of love, but when everything failed, when the rage still came almost weekly, we both knew there was no other option but to seek professional help. I had already seen too much to believe she would be able to keep it up, but I was open to being proven wrong. Without this outlet I could never have been that patient. Halleleujah, Holy Shit, where's the Tylenol.
 
So clearly, I'm doin' well with everything and am finally back to the dude in June who was singing to his hands: "stop playing sad chords" 'cause he was actually happy. The Journey reminded me of something I had forgotten for a bit: the almost weekly conversations Donna would have with friends and family about how the recent past was horrible, but she figured it out and everything was perfect. It was difficult to hear then because it wasn't exactly "true"... 'cause the pattern never ended. I was always glad she was on-board at the time and ready to make things work, but it blew up every time. The eureka moment for me was that I was realizing that I was now the outsider hearing the "perfect" story unable to see the blow-up that was sure to follow. And realize, this is with asking for no contact until March. She would just find a way to let me know what brilliant things she was up to. (sigh). Thankfully that seems to be coming to an end.
 
Now I have to admit that it isn't entirely because of that eureka moment that I've found myself in a better place. I was able to see a picture that reminded me instantly who she was. I have a hard time seeing anything but beauty when I look through our pictures/videos - it's part of my tendency to always see the good first. Hell, 1st, 2nd and 3rd. Especially in pictures. But I finally saw one that instantly made me "feel" the eggshells scattered across my floor. It's wonderful. And no, I'm not posting it. :-)
 
So peruse those 5 entries if you have time and envelop yourself in some insanity for a bit. It's gripping stuff. Usually ends up being the most helpful entries for people when they happen upon the site. It also makes the song to your right make a fuckzillagram more sense.
 
There will always be new curse words. :-)
 
Happy December,
 
Adam