(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
locked until
11.28.08
9:55 PM, Thursday,
November 20th, 2008:
Where is this
coming from? I actually think it's the freaking
couches.
As ridiculous as
that sounds, as much as I've scoffed at the idea - the
couches, the carpet, the finished front room... has
made it a home. Even Roxy who insists on staying
outside guarding the gate has started coming in to lay
on the carpet under the theater screen. It feels cozy
and it makes it even more glaring how alone I
am...
...and how
angry I am at the injustice of it all. I know
that sounds overdramatic but goddamnit, sometimes in
life - you deserve to be rewarded for sacrificing so
much. For giving sooooo much support and staying
strong in the midst of unbelieveably difficult odds.
And my reward is complete isolation, and the
understanding that hardly anyone will take the time to
understand what I've been through this year. Not even
the person I was supporting. And man did I not
see that one coming. Sweet, sweet hell did that never
occur to me man. January - May this year while I tried
to make decisions for a comatose wife in mental
hospitals and buddhist temples, it never once occured
to me that I would be blamed for why she was in
those situations. To even hear the words: "If
you had only loved me, you wouldn't think
I needed therapy" no matter how OBVIOUS it is
that those words are that of an injured person who is
simply not ready... that shit LINGERS. I followed what
her therapists said, I committed her and wept in the
parking lot and continued to support her every, step,
of the way and though I had no problem brushing
off friends and family members in April who didn't
understand what I was going through (how could they
really understand) - but her? How could she ignore
everything she said, everything she WROTE for years
and just rewrite history and say that it was somehow
my lack of truly loving her.
But
all of this? This is emotion - it's not
logic. Every question I'm asking I can
answer just as quick. She has no concept
of love so she in turn hasn't the
slightest idea what you feel like.
It's not her fault that she didn't have it
in her to face it. You took a risk Adam,
and it didn't work out. And the only thing
that will make that better is TIME.
I
thought talking into a camera would feel
better, it did not. But these lyrics,
Lennon - wow. "But then again, you're not
to blame - you're just a human victim of
the insane." How can you really be mad at
someone who was hurt so bad? But the
second you realize that?
Isolation.
The shots of me as
a kid seem pretty self-explanatory. I want my mom.
Which is probably why I'll lock this until I feel
better. But yeah, I want safety. I want support.
I need touch, I need contact, I need
feedback. I need someone to look past their initial
ideas and realize the intricacies of my life the past
few years. It isn't balanced. I know so many people
that really feel (I used to be one of them) that every
outcome fits the action. It's our human way to feel
like we have control. So we can have confidence in our
decisions when things go well, and have some sort of
explanation when things go wrong. The older I get the
more I realize that's not always true. It just isn't.
We are at the mercy of variables outside of our
control. That truth doesn't scare me though...
I still keep moving and taking the most positive
actions I can - and I get some pretty big rewards
for that, but sometimes shit blows up in your face. I
understand that... why doesn't ANYONE ELSE? FUCK.
Enter: total
isolation. And I'm so far from my family I've become
the same face on the screen as anyone else sees.
Totally my choice, I put it out there - but do
they know who I am? Or have I bastardized true emotion
to the point of desensitivity? What would I think
of me as a son? As a cousin? As a friend? Would I get
a sense of connection or would it become surreal? In
sharing everything have I actually isolated myself
beyond repair? Do the edits look too professional to
be real? Does it seem too scripted to have sincerity?
Is my ability to detatch from the content, and edit
without emotion, lead people to think less of the
content - 'cause I created it? Is it possible that
I've broken an all-time record of consecutive
questions in a paragraph?
:-)
Humor saves the
day - but there's some serious head-scratchers in
there. I mean, I'm clearly in too deep at this point
to stop, but it makes you wonder. I have to show this
side though. I can't hide how much this is whoopin' my
ass just because it's embarassing. This is the other
side of the jump. Why on earth will I EVER do this
shit again... lol.
