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12:12 AM,
Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008:
Another week,
another run, another mid-flight entry that has me
symbolically fleeing the city. However this time, it's
more of a bittersweetness as opposed to an all out bad
taste. It's sad for me to say this, but that whole
"love like you've never been hurt" thing? I'm not
there.
(Babe,
it kills me to hide how stunning
you are, but it didn't
seem
appropriate
to flaunt that fact while admitting I'm
unable to jump)
Unfortunately,
someone else is and I'm in the bittersweet
position of having to put up artificial
hurdles, artificial walls and ignore what is
a lovely person whose company I enjoy. Why?
Because I am completely unable to
believe. I don't trust my heart. I can't
afford to and simply will not. I have zero
interest in a serious relationship right now
and could very well miss out on some
wonderful connections because of that. That's
sad, completely unlike me, but it's 100%
honest, 100% sincere and 1,000,000%
necessary.
The past 2 years
have made me incapable of judging "normal". It's quite
striking. I haven't the slightest idea what
constitutes a good relationship anymore. I am so
accustomed to a relationship being about extreme
patience during copious amounts of conflict that
everything is an improvement... and on the flip-side,
everything makes me wince. I feel like a beaten puppy
that cowers at any raised hand, then slowly trusts
just wrestling around... but really just wants to
curl-up and be petted. Wow, that's a ridiculously
"roll-your-eyes" woe-is-me assessment of myself on a
second-read, but I'm trying to be honest with how I
feel here. It's just a schizophrenic uncertainty that
means one thing: not ready. And instead of getting
worried about it and thinking there's something wrong
with me, I know I just need to take things slow
and let my body heal. It will. It wants to. And I will
be comfortable in a relationship again at some point
in the future.
But is it even
possible past a certain age? Total comfort in a
relationship? I remember with Jessica - never
fighting. Seriously, years would go by without a
fight. Not an exagerration. It just worked. Pretty
much the same with Burg. But is that expectation
unrealistic in your 30s? What the hell do you have to
fight about at 22? LOL. Everything is possible
in your early 20s and that personal outlook makes
everything easier. As you get older it becomes
more and more clear that several things are not
possible and the reasons to actually try and work
through a new relationship lessen. The cons outweigh
the pros, especially because in my shoes, I've found
ways to fulfill myself - alone. I have support sytems
that I've created, that I rely on, that have gotten me
through more shit than any person I've ever known. So
I actually have to sit and ask myself why I would ever
want to be in a committed relationship. "Kids" is the
only answer and since I don't want 'em now and am
toying with the idea of never having them? It just
doesn't resonate. All I really want? Peace. Harmony.
Mellow. Anti-drama. Shhhhhhh. Quiet. My career has
enough drama to fill 50 lives, so in my free time?
Hell no. Any relationship I have has to be 100% easy.
Happy. Fun. First sign of conflict - fuck off. I will
not do it, I will not fight, I will not
participate.
So it
was with that heavy heart I took a jog
through Central Park because in a fair
world? I love like I've never been hurt
and allow this relationship to rise or
fall on its' own merits. I'm sad because
this is unfair to her. I believe she is
ready to at least entertain the notion and
what does she have to deal with when she
finds someone she really connects with?
The one time in his life that Adam isn't
open to even considering a serious
relationship. See Alanis, that's
ironic. It's everywhere
really.
And of
course "the bench" and thoughts of
Burgundie which are no longer as
bittersweet as they once were, but still
hits me a bit. I hope I get back to
that person soon. That open heart "jumper"
with a huge capacity to love... I like
that guy.
And I'm really
amazed at how much I don't like the guy that
runs away. Logically, it makes total sense - I've been
through a shitload and I'm just not ready. My heart
doesn't want to hear that. My heart wants to "flow".
It's asking my head: "What's with all these sticks and
rocks in my stream man? Can you stop throwing these
here?". My head returns: "3 strikes Mr. Aorta. Three.
Your 'flowing' river is kicking my synapses and It's
time to slow you down a bit. And if you don't stop
whining about it I'm gonna pour some flour in there
and watch your ass congeal like batter
-beyotch."
:-) At least the
sense of humor hasn't gone anywhere. Speaking of which
- Sinbad is 2 rows ahead of me. I'm not sure if that's
funny or sad. I saw him before we came on and
shook his hand (actually did the terrorist fist bump
-lol) and said "I love your shit, man". I really do -
I think his 2 stand-up routines "Brain
Damaged" and "Afros & Bell
Bottoms" were some of the funniest of all time.
And him flying jet-blue doesn't mean he's a has-been.
Careers have peaks and valleys. He knows as I do that
thepath curves in an instant and you just keep on
riding the wave. A wave that I am happily riding home
right now...
