(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
10:48 PM,
Saturday, September 13th, 2008:
With every ounce
of sincerity I have, I need to apologize for the last
entry. I was wrong. It is absolutely unfair to say
those things publically no matter the circumstances.
That is not what this site is about and frankly I'm
embarrassed that newcomers now think it is.
I made an emotional mistake, allowed what others
thought of me to cloud my judgement and I crossed the
line. I've taken it down and I am incredibly
sorry.
Now if this
weren't an entry - it would end there. There are no
legitimate excuses for why I had the lapse in
judgement, but there is certainly a backstory that for
my own well-being I need to document. It's not a
coincidence that everything blew up how it
did...
Since meeting so
many new people so quickly through Facebook
(apparently too quickly for FB - next entry), I've had
quite a bit more heat on "what I stand for" than ever
before. And inevitably what happens is people get
snippets, and fill in the rest. Understandably they
never take the time to understand the circumstances of
what I've been through - you just get labeled. As I
said in the last song, "people see my record, not the
strength I show each day." The amount of strength I
showed this year when Donna was in the hospital, when
all that mattered was her safety, and the fact that
she is alive and well and succeeding in this city is
incredible. As was her ability to get through those
same tough times. I should be freaking cheered for the
choices I made in March and April to help her. It's
why she's here today...and also why we cannot be
together. It's a path she cannot go down now and my
own heartbreak at that fact notwithstanding - it's the
right choice...
...but not to an
outsider. And that's so, unbelieveably, difficult for
me to accept. Not only am I not looked at as strong
and amazing for how selfless my actions were - the
exact opposite becomes true. It must be after 3
marriages right? You think people remember that what
Jess and I did in 2004 was out of love? That I knew
she was miserable in LA and wanted desperately to go
back to Ohio... and that the reverse would've been
true had I come back? That out of love we both let go,
crying our eyes out the entire time? That it dragged
on for years because we were so attached? It's a
moment that I'm now so proud of I literally beam each
time I see her. We made the right choice. We are
both extremely happy with our decision and love each
other dearly to this day. It is not a failure, of any
stretch, in our eyes. It took so much courage to do
what we did... that most people don't do it. And to an
outsider? That's another strike. Another blemish. Two
situations for me, which are shining examples of
strength, courage, love - that I literally hold as
monuments to my character - in other people's eyes are
proof that I have no strength, no courage and no
character. It is wretched. It's such an incredible
irony. A friend told me last night that it reminded
them of the Vietnam War Vets. Men who thought they
were doing all the right things, then come home and
get shit thrown at them for being "baby killers".
Rather extreme analogy but it's that same sting of
isolated miscommunication. You never have time to
explain your side. You're just a symbol for
scorn.
So it was out of
that anger, that isolation, that yearning to SCREAM
the truth - that I pointed the finger at Donna. Why
couldn't SHE be a different person and not add to my
tally. How dare she enjoy her life without me, when I
gave my entire nervous system just to get through
those months for her. All emotional venom that
was really an anger that no one can see how
strong I was. 'Cause I know damn well we can't be
together. We tried every single possible angle and it
blew up every single possible way. There is no doubt
we made the right choices. I just want everyone else
to know, and it's hard to accept that that's
impossible.
The strange thing
was that it worked. Which ladies and gentleman, are
why there are locked entries. Because after that entry
and song? I felt great. Hardly matters if others read
it. Though it was very sweet, many people wrote back
with wonderful emails, with true concern - and seemed
bewildered when I was fine the next day. The Journey
has a way of amplifyinng moments in most people's
lives that are hardly ever shared. I wake up on the
wrong side of the bed and it becomes an essay and a
scathing song and video. It's all a form of
self-medication, I've just become conditioned to doing
it through this site. It's great for me... just when
it involves someone else I have to be incredibly
delicate.
With
this sentiment I met with Donna today to
try and get to a better place. Thankfully
what came of that was a remembrance of
what we knew nearly the entire time we
were together: not working out is neither
person's fault. We were on a
conveyor belt of an expiring visa and
without that pressure it would've been
much easier to take things slow and see
what was always clear: we don't fit. The
semantics? Of course I think I'm right. Of
course she thinks she's right. She's a
woman, I'm a man - what the hell did you
expect? We even laughed today that we
actually reverse genders when it comes to
matters of the heart and it's so true. I'm
a total: talk about your feelings, get to
the root of the issue kind of, uhm, guy -
and she's like, fuck that - why put
yourself through that misery? Can't we
just laugh? Heh. And when she's my friend?
Yes, we can just laugh and be
silly.
I look forward to
trying to piece together a friendship that has
absolutely no expectations or judgements so I think
that means
we'll probably be
watching a lot of movies.
:)
Adam
PS - but like,
funny movies... or movies where shit blows up.
Ha.
the entry in question stayed
locked from 09.13.08 - 07.16.09. You'll understand why in about a
year. :-)