(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
10:47 PM,
Saturday, August 23rd, 2008:
This Facebook
thing man. Kinda blowin' my mind. What started as my
quest to "network" has turned into this gigantic
mirror. Strange considering The Journey is literally
1000 mirrors... but for some reason, reconnecting with
my peers has just made me way more self-aware. No,
that's not it - I'm clearly a self-aware person...
what is it? I know what it is: the
definition of normal. After you meet and peek in on
100 people from your graduating class that you hadn't
talked to for 15 years one thing starts to become very
apparent:
You don't
belong.
Not that I feel I
have much choice in the matter as you all know I've
tried desperately to belong to a wife, a family - but
it doesn't change the fact that I have an extremely
different life than almost everyone I've seen. For
probably the first time I'm seeing myself through my
peers eyes and all I see is complete miscommunication.
Now they see only what I give them to see, so there's
no one but me to blame for that... but in the midst of
trying to network with people career-wise, I've ended
up portraying myself in an almost overwhelming (heh,
almost) a completely overwhelming manner that
paints a picture of this extroverted LA guy that I
could never, ever, ever hope to be. That's the man in
the box. I don't feel like that guy... but have I
become him?
Dr. Burns told me
I was extroverted. LOL. Somehow a girl 2 years behind
me in highschool is a friggin' doctor. Actually
not that mind-boggling considering her penchant for
playing doctor back then (oh she's gonna
KILL me for that) but it still makes me scratch
my head whenever I think about it. Anyway...
we've Skyped (video-phoned) a couple of times and she
said it matter-of-factly as I quickly replied: "I'm
really kinda not..." That was met with laughter and
I realized: "Well, duh - you hand people a demo
of your career as a photo album of the
kids..."
... but then it
really bugged me. In this effort to show the
"real me" on this site - I've somehow created a
monster. How the hell did that happen? I'm the guy
typing this at 11 o'clock on a Saturday night in my
pajama bottoms at home. I have always been that
guy. I was never the life of the party - even
in highschool. I was the cat that found the piano and
sat there alone all night as people came in and out.
Now I was certainly life of the party if that party
was you and me upstairs, ahem, but honestly - nothing
else interested me except sex and career. And that may
or may not be out of order.
Now onstage? Of
course - bring it on. Creating? Abso-tively. As
extroverted as can be. But when it was over... I was
over. And that's never changed. Or has it? Am I
describing myself 10 years ago and I didn't even
realize that I'm now very extroverted? I haven't the
fuckiest idea to tell you the truth. I say all of
this because I honestly don't know who's right. Heh.
You're hard pressed to tell me the man who showed
himself naked on the toilet last January is
introverted. Ooooh... I think I've got
it...
...shit and
apparently someone else got it too because
I literally just said out loud an age old cliche
thinking it was unique:
All the world is a
stage. Because of this insanely encompassing project
I've kinda morphed myself into living life like a
stage show. I'm living inside a breathing novel and my
actions are decidedly extroverted, because I'm
responsible to the pages within. Who wants to read
about the guy who sits at home on a Saturday night? We
want to hear the pitches, see the drama, the
exhilaration of it all. It's like this big-ass 'Choose
Your Own Adventure' book... and to tell you the truth,
it really is like imagining some brilliant fantasy.
Nothing seems impossible. Why am I networking?
'Cause therein lies the key to the next adventure. It
didn't always, because I didn't have the right cards
to network with. But now that the content is there? I
guarantee you after a month of this, there will be
several legitimate opportunities that will turn into
some path I never could have dreamt of in July. And
yes, these actions are extremely
extroverted...
...but it doesn't
change the fact that I'm at home on a Saturday night
taking breaks from working on the site by watching the
first season of Madmen on blu-ray. Which has me
wanting to go buy suits and surprisingly not
smoke. Seriously, I bet the show would be 15 minutes
shorter if they didn't have to smoke and drink between
lines - it's like Deadwood and cursing. You
cannot fathom how many drags and sips there are. If
there was a Madmen drinking game people would
die. Such a rant, anyway it grabbed me at the
2nd show... and 6 deep I'm hooked. Where was
I?
So I'm
just gonna contend that this
"extroversion" is a biproduct of The
Journey and trying to keep it moving. I
feel a bit like a clown. And no I'm not
pulling a Tony Soprano here, "I'm a sad
clown..." bullshit, I mean I see the
world as a big circus and I know my
part. I can't sit and act like I'm not
supposed to play The Egos, if I didn't...
who would? The elephants? The acrobats? I
think not. No, that's my role. Strangely I
long to be in the audience and just watch
it sometimes, but it simply isn't my role.
I just want you all to know that when
Clown boy goes home... he's boring.
I mean, really boring. Like if
it wasn't for people visiting me in this
city I'm quite certain I would know
nothing of LA but my commutes.
