(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
10:33 PM,
Wednesday, August 6th, 2008:
There's absolutely
no denying it. All that's missing is a legitimate
networking push. Something that isn't in my blood,
isn't remotely sincere and I want desperately to have
someone else do it. I will
write/direct/produce/act/perform/edit... but sell it?
Market it? Try and tell people who were otherwise
having a perfectly fine day: "HEY LOOK OVER HERE!!"?
It makes my skin crawl off of my body. But I'm now to
the point, sans representation the past couple months,
where it's really my only glaring deficiency. As well
I'm finally to the place after 8 years where there's
legitimately something to "pimp" and no one else is
gonna do it for me. So I've gone Facebook crazy, and
added as many "friends of friends" that I could and
painstakingly wrote out every email to add to my
Journey list. Sending out initial emails saying -
"hey, this is me - tell me something about you" kind
of stuff. Eventually leading to emailing them the
updates on the site...
...the thing is? I
don't want anyone on these lists that isn't
interested. You know? Like, for my own soul I just
can't stomach it. The Journey is hugely personal and I
share it with friends and family who actually know and
care about what's going on. The thought that I'm
somehow spamming people that just happened to add me
as a Facebook friend is literally giving me uneasy
dreams. I just hate it. Oh and my gmail account
totally screwed me on one of my contact lists and sent
out a welcoming letter TWICE to a list of 40 people.
And because the email was quasi-one-on-one, now I look
like a complete ass. I know it's hardly any but I
haaaaaaate that. I feel instantly like 40 people think
I'm a disingenuous hack. Oh and then the worst -
people have dropped me as a friend because I added
their friends? Huh? That's how I thought it worked
with facebook. No one can be added unless both people
agree - so are they pissed their friends agreed? Do
they think I used THEIR friendship to get THEIR
friends?
See, and there's
the slime... because in effect I did. But honestly?
There's just no other way. I have to get as many
people on that list as possible, I have to keep
showing people the things I'm doing because eventually
- that person shares it with someone, that someone
shares it - and it grows. Soon one of those people has
a way to help and then maybe, just maybe someone else
can do all this shit and I can just be me. The guy who
just wants to make people feel the story. All I've
ever wanted since I was 15. Get people to really
emote. It's the whole point of life to me.
And the thing I
pray newcomers really see, is that I'm not selling
ANYTHING. There are no ads on my site (although I
guess I may have to cross that bridge at some point,
but I've put it off for the better part of a decade),
I'm simply trying to tell a story. Tell my story as
entertaining as possible - and get your feedback on
everything. That's really it. But as I said before I'm
now to the point where the product (ie the work I'm
doing) is good enough that I now feel like I'm
under-achieving. You know? Like you can't look at The
Egos on those magical sets and tell me I'm where I
should be now. No, I set the bar really freaking high,
I jumped it - and now anything less is absolutely
underachieving. So now I have to push harder and
harder because I've proven I can perform at the higher
level. No excuses, do whatever I have to.
And in reality? If
that whole "having a family" thing is gone? Then I
REALLY have no excuse. I have to embrace what I've
sacrificed and just run with it. I'm the career guy.
I'm the guy with the ridiculously unstable, but
somewhat exhilarating life. It doesn't matter that I
wanted the family and the kids - life handed me this.
And honestly - it's a great hand. I'm not bitching
about it - but I have to play it. I have to now
completely focus on what will get me to that level
however shallow I may fear the outcome will be,
because it's literally all I have.
So welcome to The
Journey everyone. It's officially changed me. I posed
that question early on in 2000 about documenting what
changes me as I swim through this river of "making it"
and apparently it's 2 marriages, some legitimate
success, and the inevitable plateau. Now, it's full
steam ahead towards getting higher. As always, I can't
wait to see what happens next.
I appreciate all
your feedback more than you'll ever know so please
don't hesitate...
Adam
PS -
Ironically the video has nothing to do
with what I've written, but deals with the
same type of internal struggle...except at
work. It's crazy that these would hit
around the same time - and I honestly
don't know what the right move is. Because
in the end, absolutely nothing illegal is
happening - I just don't like it. My
mortgage says I should probably get over
it.