(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
10:47 PM, Sunday,
July 13th, 2008:
Man, why do I ever
say "the next one is gonna be..." EVER.
lol
I was about to
start the big premiering entry (which now is way
overblown and will underdeliver) when I noticed that
it was indeed my death-date and I have been dying (pun
intended) to write this even weeks/months after last
year's big 50th. Sadly, I kinda knew the egg I was
throwing at the time even 2 weeks after the marriage -
but the reason I wanted so badly to write this was
that indeed... I meant every word and in 50 years I
will look back on that and smile. I certainly give my
all and I certainly lead with my heart.
Last year on this
date marked 50 years until my death in 2057. Some
strange date I had dreamt as a child and ended up
putting at the end of my "I Am the Walrus" cover in
1997. Instead of writing a song about my life, I wrote
a song about loving Donna for 50 years. Although
things were good with us that WEEK, as I turned off
the camera I knew damn well that what I was doing was
somewhat foolish. I remember the "Cam" in me going:
"50 years? We won't make it one" But it didn't matter.
It's something I've tried so freaking hard to explain
to everyone in these entries. You can have it both
ways. You can have a head and a heart. You can know
damn well the odds are against you... and still jump,
consistently, for a lifetime. Anyone who would look at
you as foolish for that? They're just showing their
own fear. They'd be scared to have those failures.
Anyone who would've let someone they love get deported
because they weren't ready to get married? They don't
have faith. And you all KNOW I don't mean that
religiously - I mean faith in the potential of life. I
really think that's what it's all about. Making those
jumps when the cards are dealt.
So it was with yet
another leap of faith that I took that one big entry
last year, one big moment for some epic song about all
I've done, all I'll do... and made a love song. It was
a commitment that I would give everything I had to the
relationship and that I embraced my heart. Is it sad
that a year later it didn't come true and my heart was
broken? Of course. But what isn't sad, is exactly why
I made this video this year:
I just
keep going. It doesn't seem to phase me.
Granted at this particular moment, I'd
rather someone punch me in the face than
even speak with another woman, but
that's coming from the heart too. It's not
some unresolved trust issue that's keeping
me single. No, it's a very obvious, very
understandable, embrace of all things
single after a long period of fighting my
ass off. This too will pass. But my heart,
keeps going. And at this point - I think
I've proven that it will never stop.
That's what this day means to me - I've
got 49 years to go and I'm gonna push and
jump consistently for as many of those
years as i'm physically capable. It's such
an invigorating place to be to have this
much behind you and know it has made you
stronger.
I'm so in-tune
with myself these past few years that nothing seems to
be able to get me off track. Never was that more true
than during the time with CBS. Not once with all the
unbelievable turmoil and drama with Donna... did I
miss a beat with CBS. I look back on that period and I
can't even imagine how I did it... but I did. And
I cannot wait to see how I tackle the next set of
obstacles. For the time being I'm almost entirely
focused on peace. This is "me" time. I'm turning my
home into a place that really is a sanctuary. So much
so that anything other than peace is completely out of
place. It's just wonderful.
So Happy Deathday
to me. I won't make this a yearly thing (like I really
need another reason to wax poetic and analyze life),
but I wanted desperately to make the point about 2007.
I actually love the "50 years" song and it's a
lovely reminder of how passionately I can believe
again and again. It will be awhile on the personal
front for sure, but when it's time, it will be with
everything I've got.
Just like it
always is.
Adam
PS - as has been
the case the past few songs, the end holds some fun.
Oh and here's the lyrics:
In 50 years
I won't remember,
All the
fire, all the embers,
All I'll
know is that I jumped again…
I'll know -
life did not destroy my heart,
It's always
been strong from the start,
And when
it's time it will be there to
lend…
I'll
think of all the people I
inspired,
To live,
to love, to fight the fire…
And I'll
know…
That it's
time to go…
Yes in 50
years I'll sit before some screen
And watch my
life pass scene to scene,
And watch
those eggs fall every year…
In the end
I'll laugh about it,
Knowin' I
wouldn't be ME without it,
You know
I'll be there grinning ear to
ear…
Is'nt
that what life's about..
To live
without a fear or doubt at all,
Then I'll
know…
That it's
time to go…
And now
we're down to 49,
It's time to
find a way to shine,
Time to
never let a day go by…
Did I really
just say… "Dago" in this song?
Seems out of
place, it feels wrong,
I sure know
how to kill the mood…
Damn I
should've let that be,
But then
again that isn't me at all,
But now I
know
It's
really time to go…
So good
bye… to all those loving stares I say
goodbye,
