(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
11:49 PM, Friday,
July 4th, 2008:
So I'm watching
Albert Brooks' "Defending Your Life", a surprisingly
forgotten flick from the early 90's about Judgement
City - a modern-day purgatory where in order to
move-on you have to prove that you've conquered your
fears and are worthy of moving on. I fall into the "I
like Albert Brooks" category so I enjoyed the hell out
of this when I saw it initially and it still holds up
well today. Rather inventive actually...
...of course
seeing something as an adult always changes your view
and a strange thing occured to me as we gazed at all
the common fears Mr. Brooks had yet to overcome - I
couldn't think of any fears I had.
Really.
And the thing is,
I'm not just saying it. A certain project, ahem, I've
been working on for the better part of a decade has
not only shown that... but it's forced it. Because of
doing everything so publicly the fear of looking
stupid actually has no choice but to fade. It has
literally changed the way I live my life. There's an
accountability that I would never have otherwise,
there's a responsibility I would never have
otherwise...and I simply never fear failure. It just
doesn't occur to me anymore. It happens all the time
of course, but it just doesn't change my actions that
often. And I've had some pretty devastating blows (Up
& Adam for example) and it certainly made me
weak-kneed for a bit, but I don't stop going for fear
that it may happen again. Of course it will. But if
you don't keep moving what's the point?
And once you don't
fear failure? What's left? This site has forced me to
fall UP the stairs on a monthly basis. For example,
July is an empty slate right now. It's up to me to
make it as interesting and as colorful as the month
before - and so on and so on. So I'm gonna do some
crazy stuff. I'm gonna produce something. I'm gonna go
somewhere. I cannot have the month be boring. I don't
fear the result, I don't get paralyzed in the planning
- I just "DO". I jump. Absolutely nothing scares me. I
prepare as much as I can, but I always jump in the
end.
-Going to Japan
without booking a hotel, getting off the plane and
just wandering towards wherever I felt like going. I
tell people that and they think I'm madness
personified. I just didn't fear.
-Quitting my job
and going to DC to protest the war after Katrina. Who
does that?
-Getting flown to
NY by CBS for one day - but staying there a MONTH to
fight for a job, and getting it. <---- balls. I'm
not trying to toot my own horn here, it's just really
hitting me how little fear I have.
Take marrying
Donna last year. What fucking balls. Having to
announce that in THIS Journey, with MY track record,
with what everyone thought - KNOWING that it was an
incredibly rocky relationship and that I was simply
given 2 impossible choices: Never seeing the person
again, or marrying her. It's like some surreal
futuristic game show. "Death or Marriage" <insert
joke> I jumped. What was the worst that could
happen? Well, uhm - we found out - but I'd still do it
again. It was the correct decision in that situation.
I believed and I'll believe again. I'm not
scared.
Public speaking?
Ha. If only I could get in front of MORE people.
Though, that's almost unfair to ask an entertainer -
of course we want that.
Fear
of being alone? Considering the amount of
fun I'm having right now - I think I could
be happy another 5-10 years never SPEAKING
to another woman - LMAO. Seriously though,
if I didn't want kids, I think I'd be
single forever. Hell I still may be. Kids
may not be in my cards. I really am
enjoying my space right now and my heart
is aching for nothin'. I follow my heart
and it simply isn't based in fear. Sure,
you could see my lonely 4th of July
cookout as somewhat pathetic... but my
pups were happy alllll day.
Therefore, I was happy allllll day.
There's
something ridiculously contagious about
that.
Dying? If I died
right now I'd be happy with what I accomplished. I
think it would stand up as an impressive amount at my
young age. Being that I am not dead however - there's
a million more things I'm trying to pull off. But that
"oh shit, I'm already 40 and what have I done..." I
don't feel that. Again, that's because of The Journey.
I'm forced to pursue every angle, follow every lead,
push, push, and push. When do I take a day off? Like,
you could say April of this year I did very little
career-wise but... actually jesus look at April 2008.
Macbook parody, My Own Naked Jesus short film - the
whole road-trip, Donna and the buddhist temple, trip
back to Ohio MAN. I'm just always moving and I don't
have regrets. Laziness begets regrets. I'm not lazy.
But even the
quirky fears... bugs, dirt, food. I don't know. I
don't have fear based issues. There's just so many
people I know that are scared shitless of the goofiest
things. I can't eat that! I can't touch that! I could
never do that! I'll try, and have tried, anything and
everything. Nothin' really creeps me out. Nothing
really scares me. Weird huh? Like I'm racking my brain
trying to figure this out and I don't mean to come off
arrogant but it's just hitting me.
And that's the
other thing. I know damn well how this entry can be
perceived. LOOK AT WHAT A BADASS I AM. OMG - I am so
freaking BALLSY. lol. Those who know me, know this
isn't really planned - it's kinda off-the-cuff riffing
on a subject and I simply can't worry about how I look
all the time and continue this project. A eureka
moment is often-times egotistical - what can you do? I
am putting myself out there by announcing this - it's
almost like a taunt but it really it is my truth at
this moment. Maybe I'll look back on it in a couple of
years and realize it's just left-over happiness from
being "Free" after such turmoil. But as I said, this
site has shown unequivocally that I jump over and
over. Broken ankles and all, I keep on believing and
jumping.
Having no fear at
19 on a bench in NYC when you haven't been pummeled is
one thing. Still being fearless at 32 when you've been
Suh-LAMMED is a completely different story. I guess
we'll see how I am at 45.
Adam
PS - oh and by the
way, I got a very sweet email from someone saying "I
know CBS will call you!!" And I thought I'd throw it
out there that while I've been "waiting" I have
written 10-15 emails, dozens of phone calls,
constantly bugging my contacts, scheming a way to
present this to them to get it to move faster, writing
motivational emails TO my contacts to make THEM move
faster. It's never ending. There is no "waiting" for
something like this, you have, to, make, it, happen.
So far, I have failed. LOL. I'm about to fly out to
New York and get in people's faces. But you never
wait. You fight. It's just a matter of balancing
crazy/ambitious.
