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for me!)
11:33 PM, Sunday,
June 29th, 2008:
I.
Am. Happy.
I
don't mean it defensively, I don't mean it
as a taunt - it's almost out of
bewilderment that I say it. The absolute
truth of the matter is that our
"anniversary" had absolutely no effect on
me emotionally. There's nothing there.
There's no twinge of sadness anymore,
there's certainly no "what-ifs", hell I
don't even mind talking to her or hanging
out with her. It may be the strangest
situation I've ever known.
It really was over
last December when I wrote "No
Turnin'
Back" and I
got my good cries out when she was "ohming" at the
Buddhist Temple. There's just no hangover. The fact
that this wasn't written exactly on our anniversary is
a testament to the fact that I was too busy livin' to
be busy mopin'. And beyond that, I'm not sure I've
ever been more appreciative of my life, my
surroundings, of what I have, what I am fighting for,
and who I am... ever. This really is fascinating for
me to experience because in the midst of everything, I
handled it all like a pro. I wasn't at the end of my
rope because I was firmly grounded and trying to make
the appropriate choices. Now however, I'm finding that
I was in a very, very, very bad place and my strength
just shielded me from that truth. Again, totally
fascinating to me.
And it's not
because Donna was some beast that I'm happy to be rid
of - simply the toll of the stress infiltrated areas
of my mind/psyche that I was just completely unaware
of. I would never have known had it not gone away. As
well we've been talking and spending more time
together and each moment makes it more and more clear.
No matter what the topic, how happy we seem, how much
we laugh there isn't a nanosecond where we would
entertain the notion of getting back together. I can't
express to you how rare this is for someone like me
with an overactive-romantic mind. The thought is
literally comical now. So why are we even speaking?
Actually, it was Donna's insistence on not leaving me
with a mess physically even if she was powerless to do
that emotionally.
Last fall started
the whole house "re-do" fiasco which lead to buying
hundreds of dollars in materials that simply never got
used. Imagine a 10 year old planning a housing project
and you get the idea. LOL. First we'll buy the window
treatments! But then before that we'll paint the
walls! But then no, I must take down all the popcorn
ceiling! I can do it ALL BY MYSELF! DONT HELP ME! Well
you all know how that ended up... heh, but the point
is - I was still left with all the window treatments
that she was going to make by hand. I of course, would
never attempt this - and therefore had a mountain of
shit I couldn't work with. For the last week however
Donna has come over on her time off and painstakingly
sewed everything and helped me out tremendously.
You'll see some of her handy-work in an upcoming entry
once one more thing is finished...but suffice to say
it's been long hours and we've been able to talk and
get to a good place.
Are we friends? I
don't wish her bad of course, but "friends" is hard to
define. What she considers a friend? Most definitely.
But the level of intimacy needed for my definition of
friend? Most likely not. For the umpteenth time,
intimate does not mean sexual. I simply mean that
there's a level beyond the superficial where you let
someone in. I don't think she's capable of that, and
she'll be the first to say it. If she ever wants to
get past that, she knows the path to go - but you
really have to hit a place in your life where there
are no other options. And for her, there's always a
different place to run to. If that hasn't gotten old
to her by now, I'm not sure it ever will. And
honestly, a part of me understands that spirit and
won't judge it or stand in its way. I'm just
completely secure with the idea that I will never have
a close connection with her and it honestly doesn't
bother me one bit. It bothered me as a husband,
doesn't bother me as a friend. I have several close
friends and several "not-so-close" friends. It is what
it is.
It's not my
intention to tempt the Gods here but this period of my
life is over. The focus is back on the career (which
is still silent btw on the CBS front) and no matter
how much my hands
like playing the sad
chords...
I'm not. Haven't been for quite awhile now. That's the
truth, and you'll see a bit more of why in the next
entry.
