(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
9:00 PM, Thursday,
June 5th, 2008:
There's no more
bittersweet day during a break-up than the day you
realize your rose-colored glasses really are gone.
Yeah, you take 'em off from time to time - but at a
certain point they no longer exist. It's a moment of
clarity and deep sadness.
I fell
into the "loop" again with Donna, this
time simply over email and a few phone
calls. It was the "You're the devil Adam!
Wait, now I feel better so
everything's fine!" twitch I have been
through consistently, almost weekly, since
we met. However, as I said, this time not
in person. And suddenly you realize just
how susceptible you are to someone's
energy. You love this person. You will
give every benefit possible to someone you
love (which is what made our "ending" so
hard for me to swallow - I realized she
didn't really love me) but once their
energy is limited to simply words or a
phone call? It's clear what's happening
and you realize that it was always
true.
She admitted as
much and in a pretty resounding moment of personal
clarity on her part she said she really had no
clue what love is. I can only guess she was
mimicing what she saw on TV and though convincing at
times, love is such a deeper emotion than can be
"acted". It takes really knowing who you are and
loving yourself... something Donna is desperately
searching for. I don't envy her road ahead. I hope she
can stay on it long enough to grow because I know how
tempting the side-streets can be.
I should also
clarify things a bit as far as the "leaving me" part.
Since you can't read the "Really." entry you're
unaware that the day before she left I said it was
over and she needed to leave. Heh. Kind of a major
point in everything. She said: "I know I was a bit
crazy there, just give me one more chance - I know I
can do this." I agreed but said: "But if this
explodes, we take this like grown-ups and we move on."
She said yes unequivocally and we had a good day. As
it got bad again Donna just ran with it. She
put it all on me, and left. Though I was pissed at the
time because the issue in question was
SOOOO clearly manipulative - I now see her
thought process and it was just a shitty way to get to
what we had both agreed upon 24 hours before. Just
thought I'd clear that up to give everyone a better
picture of what occured. Locked entries suck
ass.
So anyway - after
she had told me (and Tyson & Michelle) that she
would never speak to me and didn't want them to even
mention my name she IM'd me again. She was in the "I'm
fine so you're fine" mode and I finally just asked
her: "I was the anti-christ like 24 hours ago,
what the fuck" - and she actually said it point blank:
"I'm over it. I got a job". The words jumped off the
screen. I wrote back "You have no idea how abusive you
are." (spoken bewildering not accusatory) It was the
moment the rose-colored glasses couldn't be put back
on again... because they didn't exist. Her inability
to consider someone else's feelings... just is. It's
not malicious, her brain simply doesn't work any other
way.
I finally wrote an
email back to her asking to stop all contact but
logistical stuff. Bills, job, location stuff etc. She
understood, wrote another loaded and manipulative
email... then an hour later said "yeah, sorry that was
loaded and manipulative." She's intelligent enough to
see the truth but as I said before irrationale beats
rationale hands down, every, single, time. But
I give her props for seeing what she was doing
and taking herself out of the picture. There's simply
no other way.
And we both know
it has ended for us. We both know that now, because
every scenario has played itself out. It's a
bittersweet moment because I'm not really sad in the
longterm. That's why I started singing that song in
the bedroom. The room you guys will see on HGTV in a
couple weeks was really all Donna's doing. So sitting
in it has a vibe to it... that just isn't me. Back in
2004 I wrote a song called "Empty
Walls"
about Jess that is eerily similar. We knew we were
right to be seperating and longterm... we were fine.
But every once and awhile a sadness hits you that is
seemingly out of nowhere. It's a feeling that comes
from a color, or a smell - and suddenly, if you were
say... writing a spontaneous song, sad chords come
out. At first you're like: "What the fuck, I'm
happy?". You are happy... logically. Your heart could
give two shits. Your heart wants to hold her and
snuggle in bed and sing "Rest Easy Donna" to her all
day and make love. It will always want that.
And don't for a
minute try to avoid that feeling Adam. It's what makes
you, you.
