(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
5:33 AM, Saturday,
April 26th, 2008:
I know of no
other way to do this, but everyone who knows me needs
to understand this:
person you love the most almost died from a disease
and instead of going to a hospital is receiving
alternative treatment. Now make a joke about Adam
not being able to keep a marriage together.
your feelings of wanting to comfort this person. Of
wishing you could hug them or say "I love you" or
get them an extra pillow so they can heal. Now tell
Adam he's just being "Superman" and is trying to
"save" this person. As if it's somehow my
issues that got us here.
My wife is
sick. She's in more pain than many of you can
comprehend. I am a good man who has played the
cards he was dealt and acted with more integrity
than even he thought he had to make the right
choices. Just because I wasn't ready to get married
doesn't mean I don't adore her or somehow
our bond is lessened. I am grief-stricken over
losing her. If you feel uncomfortable about it and
need to joke? Remember that the only difference
between a physical disease and a mental disease is
YOUR perspective. The damage you're doing to me is
the same as if my wife had brain cancer and you
thought it was appropriate to giggle about my
broken marriage tally at 32.
I cannot say
these things to your faces. I shouldn't even have
to write them. What I need is you to love me. I
need you to respect me. I need you to wake the fuck
up and understand the severity of this situation.
Don't mistake me for the funny man in those videos.
They're an outlet to escape the pain. Look in my
eyes. Listen to my voice. I'm not well. I'm a
little boy who is trying to get any positive
feedback because of intense trauma from the
past two months. Realize that the only reason
you're not consoling a widower right now is because
I had the strength and wherewithall to stop her.
Now realize that because I have no contact with
her, the result feels the same to my body.
I'm not writing
this for an apology, I'm not writing this for
attention - I'm writing this because it has
to stop. You are hurting me. It's making the hole
in my heart/mind/soul bigger and the isolation was
already unbearable. So please, I'm not asking for
"kid gloves" - I'm asking why you're hitting me in
the first place. You're out of line.
that this has to be public but I have to throw
up a wall to anyone I may run into in Columbus and
even those back in LA. I've hoped that many of you
would read between the lines in the previous entries
but I understand the need for people to skim
and it's clear that many really don't know just
how bad things have been and where I'm at.
So after that nice
slap in the face - how ya doin? Good, good. Me? Yeah
been better. Sure I'm happy to talk about things,
answer anything you want... just don't answer your
phone for a few minutes. Cool? Cool.
Actually, I'm just
gonna back out of this entry. This is a bit awkward
now. I feel like I just told my friend his
breath was nauseating and he doesn't know how to
respond. No need to respond. I'm just hoping you'll
brush your teeth and when I wake up tomorrow we never
have to talk about it again.
I'm not sure I'll ever nail an emotion
like isolation better than I did with this
song in 2005.