(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
5:33 AM, Saturday, April 26th, 2008:
I know of no other way to do this, but everyone who knows me needs to understand this:
Imagine the person you love the most almost died from a disease and instead of going to a hospital is receiving alternative treatment. Now make a joke about Adam not being able to keep a marriage together.
Imagine sharing your feelings of wanting to comfort this person. Of wishing you could hug them or say "I love you" or get them an extra pillow so they can heal. Now tell Adam he's just being "Superman" and is trying to "save" this person. As if it's somehow my issues that got us here.
My wife is sick. She's in more pain than many of you can comprehend. I am a good man who has played the cards he was dealt and acted with more integrity than even he thought he had to make the right choices. Just because I wasn't ready to get married doesn't mean I don't adore her or somehow our bond is lessened. I am grief-stricken over losing her. If you feel uncomfortable about it and need to joke? Remember that the only difference between a physical disease and a mental disease is YOUR perspective. The damage you're doing to me is the same as if my wife had brain cancer and you thought it was appropriate to giggle about my broken marriage tally at 32.
I cannot say these things to your faces. I shouldn't even have to write them. What I need is you to love me. I need you to respect me. I need you to wake the fuck up and understand the severity of this situation. Don't mistake me for the funny man in those videos. They're an outlet to escape the pain. Look in my eyes. Listen to my voice. I'm not well. I'm a little boy who is trying to get any positive feedback because of intense trauma from the past two months. Realize that the only reason you're not consoling a widower right now is because I had the strength and wherewithall to stop her. Now realize that because I have no contact with her, the result feels the same to my body.
I'm not writing this for an apology, I'm not writing this for attention - I'm writing this because it has to stop. You are hurting me. It's making the hole in my heart/mind/soul bigger and the isolation was already unbearable. So please, I'm not asking for "kid gloves" - I'm asking why you're hitting me in the first place. You're out of line.
I'm disappointed that this has to be public but I have to throw up a wall to anyone I may run into in Columbus and even those back in LA. I've hoped that many of you would read between the lines in the previous entries but I understand the need for people to skim and it's clear that many really don't know just how bad things have been and where I'm at.
So after that nice slap in the face - how ya doin? Good, good. Me? Yeah been better. Sure I'm happy to talk about things, answer anything you want... just don't answer your phone for a few minutes. Cool? Cool.
Actually, I'm just gonna back out of this entry. This is a bit awkward now. I feel like I just told my friend his breath was nauseating and he doesn't know how to respond. No need to respond. I'm just hoping you'll brush your teeth and when I wake up tomorrow we never have to talk about it again.
PS - I'm not sure I'll ever nail an emotion like isolation better than I did with this song in 2005.
Whew, it is absolutely spot on.