(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
12:38 PM, Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008:
Somewhere in shit-ass Oklahoma. (Sorry Crooked X, but this is in a 3 state-tie with Kansas and Texas as the most boring states to ever drive across.)
This would've been perfect for Donna. Although I'm trying desperately to "let go" and "find myself" and all that shit the cold hard truth is - I found myself years ago. There is no doubt of that. I know what I want artistically, professionally and personally. I want a family, I enjoy being married and I loved Donna throughout all the difficult times. What I wanted was for that to work out, and to continue on. So I'm really just sad that it didn't and I'm coping with a life I simply don't want. There are very few "pros" to being single for me. I've done everything I ever wanted to do in that category. When you live through CD101, you can sew the oats in about a year. Meaningless sex deflates my friggin' soul. I'm clearly not ready. Nor will I ever be ready to be a pothead...
If you had told me there was something you could do to your body that would make food actually taste better? Jesus, I'm afraid I would ask you to never ever ever show that to me. What may suprise you guys reading this is I've never been high before. Too goal oriented, too addicted to producing things, I never had any interest in it. Once I moved to LA I ran into it a lot but never got even a contact high. I did actually try it...but just nothing. My friends would be stoned out of their minds and I would be reformatting my hard-drive (true-story). Just wasn't my thing. However hanging with Keith and having the time and lack of responsibility... I was hardly against it. In fact I was quite frustrated that it never had any effect on me. Well leave it to Keith to solve that...
...sweet jesus. Just before this I went right to my laptop to finish up some pics on the last entry when suddenly I couldn't read any of the words on the screen. Ha. I started to smile as I realized what was happening and shut off the computer. I then proceeded to melt into the bed as Keith laughed at me. I was trying to take in the primary results and what was once a bummer of a night just seemed completely unnecessary. Cartoon Network soon seemed like a much better option. Robot Chicken, which is already funny, blew my fucking mind. And a quick switch to a rerun of America's Funniest Videos and some little kid getting hit with a bat made me laugh harder than I've ever laughed in my entire life. So far, I was enjoying myself. This was all soon to end...
I have to start with just how much I had already eaten yesterday. The cookout as I mentioned was, I believe, 3 cheeseburgers and 2 hotdogs. Then we went back out and I had another burger and fries. I was full. I hadn't eaten that much in one day in literally 6 months. But suddenly man... I was looking desperately for food. Pop tarts... still hungry. A bag of jelly-beans... still hungry. This nature/energy bar (clif bar - maple nut)... still hungry. But with the clif bar in particular I noticed that it was not only tasty... as you'll see in the video it was without a doubt the greatest thing I had ever tasted. My mind raced at a way I could fit one or two of these into my diet each day because I simply had never felt better than I did eating that maple nut bar. It felt like I had never tasted food before that moment. I could taste every ingredient, and was now ravenous. What was once a lazy guy morphing into his bed, was a man on a mission. I actually got my ass up in the middle of the night to walk to the 24 hour Circle K where I proceeded to get a big bahama mama sausage and a 12 pack of those little chocolate donuts. This was after I waited 10 minutes behind a building because there was a cop in the Circle K whom I was certain would just "know" I was high and arrest me. Every cliche in the books, folks - every one.
But did I come home and eat my new eats? Of course not, because in the 3 minute walk from the Circle K to our hotel I had already devoured EVERYTHING. It was unbelievable. My stomach still hurts. I will be fasting and drinking water today thank you very much. The thing was - those donuts? I couldn't believe how good they tasted. Like, I could taste the butter and the sugar - I mean these are the little shitty mini chocolate donuts in convenience stores - they're horrible. I was actually pissed I didn't get 2 dozen once I got back to my hotel room and almost went back out. What a NIGHTMARE for an overeater like me. I just can't believe it actually made food taste better. I thought I had issues with food before - but stoned? Fuck. Literally the most out of control appetite I have ever experienced and I never want to feel that again. But thank you Keith and Tucumcari New Mexico for being a silly memory I have for a lifetime. And also, no one should ever doubt the medicinal purposes of marijuana for anyone with a disease that kills their appetite. I had no idea anything could be so automatic. A goddamn nightmare man. Heh.
So as I was saying - not ready. That's really been the struggle for me. Again, I feel like I'm on a bit of a conveyor belt here as something tells me I'll get a letter from Donna wanting to only do one month...then a concern that she'll want to work everything out - and if I don't break this cycle we're gonna be in the same place we were a week ago. I really have to force myself here. I reread the difficult entries, and hold onto the truth as hard as I can 'cause my heart wants so desperately to make it work. And I am absolutely dying not knowing how she's doing. Christ - why do I believe in her so much? I mean I compare this to Jessica and it's almost embarrassing. I mean we didn't give in easy, but I imagine the things Donna has said/done happening with Jess...and I gotta admit - there wouldn't be much conversation. I can't believe I'm weaker now, so that's not it. Lemme reach deep down here, think I'm close to something...
...alright it's this: I actually believed there was a path to happiness with me and in LA for Donna whereas with Jess I almost always had the nagging feeling she would always be miserable. I remember specifically talking to Jessica about the fact that our kids wouldn't have "snow days", how our kids wouldn't know their grandparents the way we knew ours...before we were married. It was the spring of 2000 (we were married in August) and we were sitting in my car in our apartment in Canoga Park facing west against the cement wall. Although she said she understood that... it always nagged at me that it meant so much to her. I just had this innate feeling (though far too young and inexperienced to know what that feeling meant) that she was out of her element. I also wasn't sure that I could provide everything her family could provide as far as unconditional emotional support. I mean a mom has to be a seperate relationshp than a spouse. Has to be. You can't expect the spouse to be that. And unfortunately her family couldn't provide that from a 2200 mile distance. But again, that's why our story isn't negative to me. I've actually talked to her quite a bit in the past couple of days and it's always clear we made the right choice. And although Donna moving on may also be the right choice, I saw a side of her that absolutely could be happy the rest of her life with me. That makes it very difficult to stomach. Now obviously the past few weeks being inundated with drugs, a therapy she doesn't believe in, a past she's being forced to attack head-on faster than she's ready... it pushed her to the brink. And of course things weren't really kickin' ass before - heh. I always seem to forget that part don't I? But goddamnit it's so hard to describe guys. It is absolutely a second personality. It's so seperate that it doesn't effect the good times. You know? Like in my memory the abusive, angry, raging person was simply not my wife. My memory can barely converge the two people because it's like an optical illusion. Make anymore sense now? I keep trying to explain it to everyone 'cause so many of you have wondered why I'm not overwhelmed with relief. Then again so many have you also have chosen to go ape-shit over my mac vs. pc entry and I just find that funny. I should apply the same attitude with the rest of ya. ;-)
I don't know where the mac responses will fit in, I don't know where politics will fit in but rest assured I'll get to them all eventually. For now I'm just enjoying the road (I got the back seat today, far more isolated and introspective) and sending my thoughts to Donna. I miss you tremendously.
PS - because I was 32 and it's the first time I'd ever been high. When you're 32 Julian? Go for it.
PPS - sorry mom.