(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
12:38 PM,
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008:
Somewhere in
shit-ass Oklahoma. (Sorry Crooked X, but this is in a
3 state-tie with Kansas and Texas as the most boring
states to ever drive across.)
This would've been
perfect for Donna. Although I'm trying desperately to
"let go" and "find myself" and all that shit the cold
hard truth is - I found myself years ago. There is no
doubt of that. I know what I want artistically,
professionally and personally. I want a family, I
enjoy being married and I loved Donna throughout all
the difficult times. What I wanted was for that to
work out, and to continue on. So I'm really just sad
that it didn't and I'm coping with a life
I simply don't want. There are very few "pros" to
being single for me. I've done everything I ever
wanted to do in that category. When you live through
CD101, you can sew the oats in about a year.
Meaningless sex deflates my friggin' soul. I'm clearly
not ready. Nor will I ever be ready to be a
pothead...
If you
had told me there was something you could
do to your body that would make food
actually taste better? Jesus, I'm afraid I
would ask you to never ever ever show that
to me. What may suprise you guys reading
this is I've never been high before. Too
goal oriented, too addicted to producing
things, I never had any interest in it.
Once I moved to LA I ran into it
a lot but never got even a contact high. I
did actually try it...but just nothing. My
friends would be stoned out of their minds
and I would be reformatting my hard-drive
(true-story). Just wasn't my thing.
However hanging with Keith and having the
time and lack of responsibility... I was
hardly against it. In fact I was quite
frustrated that it never had any effect on
me. Well leave it to Keith to solve
that...
...sweet jesus.
Just before this I went right to my laptop to finish
up some pics on the last entry when suddenly I
couldn't read any of the words on the screen. Ha. I
started to smile as I realized what was happening and
shut off the computer. I then proceeded to melt into
the bed as Keith laughed at me. I was trying to take
in the primary results and what was once a bummer of a
night just seemed completely unnecessary. Cartoon
Network soon seemed like a much better option. Robot
Chicken, which is already funny, blew my fucking mind.
And a quick switch to a rerun of America's Funniest
Videos and some little kid getting hit with a bat made
me laugh harder than I've ever laughed in my entire
life. So far, I was enjoying myself. This was all soon
to end...
I have to
start with just how much I had already eaten
yesterday. The cookout as I mentioned was, I believe,
3 cheeseburgers and 2 hotdogs. Then we went back out
and I had another burger and fries. I was full.
I hadn't eaten that much in one day in literally
6 months. But suddenly man... I was looking
desperately for food. Pop tarts... still hungry. A bag
of jelly-beans... still hungry. This nature/energy bar
(clif bar - maple nut)... still hungry. But with the
clif bar in particular I noticed that it was not only
tasty... as you'll see in the video it was without a
doubt the greatest thing I had ever tasted. My mind
raced at a way I could fit one or two of these into my
diet each day because I simply had never felt better
than I did eating that maple nut bar. It felt like I
had never tasted food before that moment. I could
taste every ingredient, and was now ravenous.
What was once a lazy guy morphing into his bed, was a
man on a mission. I actually got my ass up in the
middle of the night to walk to the 24 hour Circle K
where I proceeded to get a big bahama mama sausage and
a 12 pack of those little chocolate donuts. This was
after I waited 10 minutes behind a building because
there was a cop in the Circle K whom I was certain
would just "know" I was high and arrest me. Every
cliche in the books, folks - every one.
But did I come
home and eat my new eats? Of course not, because in
the 3 minute walk from the Circle K to our hotel I had
already devoured EVERYTHING. It was unbelievable. My
stomach still hurts. I will be fasting and drinking
water today thank you very much. The thing was - those
donuts? I couldn't believe how good they tasted. Like,
I could taste the butter and the sugar - I mean these
are the little shitty mini chocolate donuts in
convenience stores - they're horrible. I was actually
pissed I didn't get 2 dozen once I got back to my
hotel room and almost went back out. What a
NIGHTMARE for an overeater like me. I just can't
believe it actually made food taste better. I thought
I had issues with food before - but stoned?
Fuck. Literally the most out of control appetite I
have ever experienced and I never want to feel that
again. But thank you Keith and Tucumcari New Mexico
for being a silly memory I have for a lifetime. And
also, no one should ever doubt the medicinal purposes
of marijuana for anyone with a disease that kills
their appetite. I had no idea anything could be so
automatic. A goddamn nightmare man. Heh.
So as I was saying
- not ready. That's really been the struggle for me.
Again, I feel like I'm on a bit of a conveyor belt
here as something tells me I'll get a letter from
Donna wanting to only do one month...then a concern
that she'll want to work everything out - and if I
don't break this cycle we're gonna be in the same
place we were a week ago. I really have to force
myself here. I reread the difficult entries, and
hold onto the truth as hard as I can 'cause my heart
wants so desperately to make it work. And I am
absolutely dying not knowing how she's doing. Christ -
why do I believe in her so much? I mean I
compare this to Jessica and it's almost embarrassing.
I mean we didn't give in easy, but I imagine the
things Donna has said/done happening with Jess...and I
gotta admit - there wouldn't be much conversation.
I can't believe I'm weaker now, so that's not it.
Lemme reach deep down here, think I'm close to
something...
...alright it's
this: I actually believed there was a path to
happiness with me and in LA for Donna whereas with
Jess I almost always had the nagging feeling she would
always be miserable. I remember specifically talking
to Jessica about the fact that our kids wouldn't have
"snow days", how our kids wouldn't know their
grandparents the way we knew ours...before we
were married. It was the spring of 2000 (we were
married in August) and we were sitting in my car in
our apartment in Canoga Park facing west against the
cement wall. Although she said she understood that...
it always nagged at me that it meant so much to her. I
just had this innate feeling (though far too young and
inexperienced to know what that feeling meant) that
she was out of her element. I also wasn't sure that I
could provide everything her family could provide as
far as unconditional emotional support. I mean a mom
has to be a seperate relationshp than a spouse. Has to
be. You can't expect the spouse to be that. And
unfortunately her family couldn't provide that from a
2200 mile distance. But again, that's why our story
isn't negative to me. I've actually talked to her
quite a bit in the past couple of days and it's always
clear we made the right choice. And although Donna
moving on may also be the right choice, I saw a side
of her that absolutely could be happy the rest
of her life with me. That makes it very difficult to
stomach. Now obviously the past few weeks being
inundated with drugs, a therapy she doesn't believe
in, a past she's being forced to attack head-on faster
than she's ready... it pushed her to the brink. And of
course things weren't really kickin' ass before - heh.
I always seem to forget that part don't I? But
goddamnit it's so hard to describe guys. It is
absolutely a second personality. It's so seperate that
it doesn't effect the good times. You know? Like in my
memory the abusive, angry, raging person was simply
not my wife. My memory can barely converge the two
people because it's like an optical illusion. Make
anymore sense now? I keep trying to explain it to
everyone 'cause so many of you have wondered why I'm
not overwhelmed with relief. Then again so many
have you also have chosen to go ape-shit over my mac
vs. pc entry and I just find that funny. I should
apply the same attitude with the rest of ya.
;-)
I don't know where
the mac responses will fit in, I don't know where
politics will fit in but rest assured I'll get to them
all eventually. For now I'm just enjoying the road (I
got the back seat today, far more isolated and
introspective) and sending my thoughts to Donna. I
miss you tremendously.
Adam
PS - because I was
32 and it's the first time I'd ever been high. When
you're 32 Julian? Go for it.
