(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
2:32 AM, Friday,
April 18th, 2008:
(sigh)
Unfortunately it's time once again to explain the
"hat" process for The Journey. It's necessary for
newcomers because the video can seem almost scripted.
I can assure you it's not.
It
starts with explaining my devotion to this
project. 8 years later, I must admit even
I can't explain why I feel such devotion
but it's certainly habit at this point.
But my job is to document the moment.
Sometimes the entry comes first, sometimes
the movie and once the emotion is captured
- I put on various "hats". Right now,
since the video has already been captured,
I'm a little more cognizant of what I
look/looked like...
...that's
when the embarrassment sets in. Where most
people would decide not to upload
it. This is the feeling I have to fight.
The video is honest. I sat down to reprise
a song from 2005 and this is what
happened. Like it or not, it is The
Journey.
But for a guy who
hates repeating himself... it is beyond humiliating. I
can explain logistically why we got married, I can say
ad infinitum as I did in the weeks leading up to the
marriage that neither of us were ready but the
alternative (deportation) was far more tragic... but
it doesn't explain one very personal aspect of
everything: that's my head talking. My heart believed.
I saw a side of her that literally no one else on
the planet has ever seen. It is something I can't
share, it is something that simply doesn't have the
ability to be formed in words. It is something "The
Journey" cannot heal. It's completely
isolating.
And when all the
logic fades, when all the intellectualism of
everything subsides... the pain starts to seep in.
Doesn't matter if you know it's coming - it's always a
little more than you believed it would be. The urge to
comfort her gets slammed against the reality that all
you can do is hurt her more. That is so, incredibly,
painful. To know that you're toxic. I mean I know
it isn't me - it's her own issues, but it doesn't
change the fact that what your heart begs you to do is
the complete opposite of what needs to be done. So all
that's left is... to cry.
And of course my
patterns at this time are similar as well. My
immediate reaction is to try to break the bond
instantly so there's no turning back...but inevitably
I can't do it. The closer I get to that moment,
I start to long for the happier times when we
were at peace sitting in each other's arms and
giggling about it all. You then think "my loyalty will
prove to her just how right we are!" even though for
her own peace of mind she "let me go" to ease her own
guilt. It's so much like clockwork it becomes boring.
Next my mind flies through every overtly romantic
thing I could do that would make her smile...then
quickly realizing that would accomplish nothing. I'm
just so sick of these patterns.
This essay however
will veer from the expected drivel when I throw
this at ya: we're all completely arrogant to think we
control this. The mentality that we are responsible
for everything that happens and that all we have to do
is "work on" some personal flaw and we can avoid these
patterns. Avoid this pain. You can't truly live and
avoid pain. Impossible. You have to take a leap of
faith at some point. You have to trust. I did
my part with Donna, I found a woman who was strong,
ambitious, inspiring and clearly had her shit
together. It was refreshing and seemingly the opposite
of any pattern I've had. It was also a comple
fabrication. Oh she wanted to be all those
things but it was quickly apparent that her
"want" wasn't follwed up by her "do". That's
life. I'm proud of my strength, I'm proud of my heart,
I'm proud of my ability to trust. I do have to wonder
just how feasible that is in the future, but the
future always gets here and I'm still me.
So I know
what you all must be asking yourself (especially those
who lived through this in 2004): "Great, another 20
sappy fucking songs in a row? Where are the Egos
again?" Well I shall suprise you! For your
viewing pleasure you are now going to
get...
...a
ROAD TRIP.
<Oooooooooooooh.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.>
Seems that Keith
Coast Superstar has had enough of the LA life and is
headin' back to the East Coast. I'm not sure if I've
mentioned it, as the last you heard of him I had a
rather scathing review of our "friendship" a year ago,
but after a 6 month hiatus I eventually gave him a
call last September and we've remained friendly. He's
gotta live with his choices and he knows where
I stand. That being said, we do get along. We do
laugh a lot, we were literally like brothers and on
that level we're cool. So when he said he was leavin',
I figured I'd hitch a ride and try to just veg out and
do what I love the most: create. Make some videos and
clear my head. I also need to see my family and I'll
just hop a flight back (somehow the flights are still
cheap?) in a week or two. I literally can't wait.
We take off on Monday. Hopefully adventure finds us
'cause knowing me I'll clear my head long enough to be
bored and wish I had something to actually film.
Heh.
