(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
2:32 AM, Friday, April 18th, 2008:
(sigh) Unfortunately it's time once again to explain the "hat" process for The Journey. It's necessary for newcomers because the video can seem almost scripted. I can assure you it's not.
It starts with explaining my devotion to this project. 8 years later, I must admit even I can't explain why I feel such devotion but it's certainly habit at this point. But my job is to document the moment. Sometimes the entry comes first, sometimes the movie and once the emotion is captured - I put on various "hats". Right now, since the video has already been captured, I'm a little more cognizant of what I look/looked like...
...that's when the embarrassment sets in. Where most people would decide not to upload it. This is the feeling I have to fight. The video is honest. I sat down to reprise a song from 2005 and this is what happened. Like it or not, it is The Journey.
But for a guy who hates repeating himself... it is beyond humiliating. I can explain logistically why we got married, I can say ad infinitum as I did in the weeks leading up to the marriage that neither of us were ready but the alternative (deportation) was far more tragic... but it doesn't explain one very personal aspect of everything: that's my head talking. My heart believed. I saw a side of her that literally no one else on the planet has ever seen. It is something I can't share, it is something that simply doesn't have the ability to be formed in words. It is something "The Journey" cannot heal. It's completely isolating.
And when all the logic fades, when all the intellectualism of everything subsides... the pain starts to seep in. Doesn't matter if you know it's coming - it's always a little more than you believed it would be. The urge to comfort her gets slammed against the reality that all you can do is hurt her more. That is so, incredibly, painful. To know that you're toxic. I mean I know it isn't me - it's her own issues, but it doesn't change the fact that what your heart begs you to do is the complete opposite of what needs to be done. So all that's left is... to cry.
And of course my patterns at this time are similar as well. My immediate reaction is to try to break the bond instantly so there's no turning back...but inevitably I can't do it. The closer I get to that moment, I start to long for the happier times when we were at peace sitting in each other's arms and giggling about it all. You then think "my loyalty will prove to her just how right we are!" even though for her own peace of mind she "let me go" to ease her own guilt. It's so much like clockwork it becomes boring. Next my mind flies through every overtly romantic thing I could do that would make her smile...then quickly realizing that would accomplish nothing. I'm just so sick of these patterns.
This essay however will veer from the expected drivel when I throw this at ya: we're all completely arrogant to think we control this. The mentality that we are responsible for everything that happens and that all we have to do is "work on" some personal flaw and we can avoid these patterns. Avoid this pain. You can't truly live and avoid pain. Impossible. You have to take a leap of faith at some point. You have to trust. I did my part with Donna, I found a woman who was strong, ambitious, inspiring and clearly had her shit together. It was refreshing and seemingly the opposite of any pattern I've had. It was also a comple fabrication. Oh she wanted to be all those things but it was quickly apparent that her "want" wasn't follwed up by her "do". That's life. I'm proud of my strength, I'm proud of my heart, I'm proud of my ability to trust. I do have to wonder just how feasible that is in the future, but the future always gets here and I'm still me.
So I know what you all must be asking yourself (especially those who lived through this in 2004): "Great, another 20 sappy fucking songs in a row? Where are the Egos again?" Well I shall suprise you! For your viewing pleasure you are now going to get...
<Oooooooooooooh. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.>
Seems that Keith Coast Superstar has had enough of the LA life and is headin' back to the East Coast. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it, as the last you heard of him I had a rather scathing review of our "friendship" a year ago, but after a 6 month hiatus I eventually gave him a call last September and we've remained friendly. He's gotta live with his choices and he knows where I stand. That being said, we do get along. We do laugh a lot, we were literally like brothers and on that level we're cool. So when he said he was leavin', I figured I'd hitch a ride and try to just veg out and do what I love the most: create. Make some videos and clear my head. I also need to see my family and I'll just hop a flight back (somehow the flights are still cheap?) in a week or two. I literally can't wait. We take off on Monday. Hopefully adventure finds us 'cause knowing me I'll clear my head long enough to be bored and wish I had something to actually film. Heh.
Thanks for listenin'. It helps.