(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
11:36 PM, Tuesday,
April 15th, 2008:
Still dazed. Still
unable to process everything. In fact, both Donna and
I were completely emotionless today. If that's
not a sign I don't know what is.
So
when I last left off we were heading out
Saturday morning. Well, ends up
withdrawing from meds (even after less
than 2 weeks) is quite a kick in the ass.
She couldn't pull it together so today was
the next available day to go
up.
If
that surprises any of you, there's not a
whole lot of choice. No outside contact
for 2 months means no medicine refills, no
therapy, psychiatrists - this is a full
removal from all things western. It is a
risk, and a guilt that will weigh on me if
anything happens to her... but the
alternative was literally killing her. If
you were to see her today, you'd rest
easy. No tears, no doubts - this was the
right thing to do.
The three extra
days that we had were very good. The moment the
buddhist retreat was mentioned she was fine. It
was like telling a prisoner he was getting out in a
couple days. Just knowing she was heading in the right
direction erased all other fears and doubts. It also
gave us more time to define everything that's
happening. Two months with absolutely no contact is
clearly an end to our relationship as we know it.
There's no way around that. As I mentioned in the last
entry - although we didn't regret jumping, we can no
longer deny that at best we broke our ankles
and truth be told Donna broke much more. That ends
today and we both move on and try to find our own
sense of normalcy.
It was something
I mentioned a couple months ago during a
particularly difficult time. I said I needed to
go back to home to my friends and family without her
just to remember how nice people treat each other.
I didn't mean it as an insult, it was completely
me trying to explain what I was feeling at the
time. You get so used to the raging, attacking ball of
anger... that it starts to seem normal. You can't
remember what square one is so you start to think
things are great when they're just a hair shy of
miserable. It's the one big "con" in being
strong. I've been able to keep my head up and
be strong for her this entire time, and unfortunately
it's desensitized me...
...and therein
lies the rub really. That's what these two months are
going to do more than anything. I'm going to end up
remembering what a normal relationship is.
Seeing friends that care about each other - and
remembering how love feels. It's a period that beyond
Donna's own safety, will give me tremendous pause
about even considering this road again. Blah blah...
why analyze it. It'll work out the way it's supposed
to specifically because we stopped the cycle and let
each other go. It's a road I'm sad to say has been
well traveled in my life.
<ponders
a bit>
Gorgeous
place...
That's the view
from her front porch. I must say though, after an
hour there, the thought of staying for even days
really got to me. They get up at 6, have a strict
praying/working schedule and everything is based
around near-silence. I mean they talked to us
when we got there but they explained to her there was
to be no "chatter", no speaking at all after 2 in her
little house on the lot. Whew. Like, I could pull that
off for a weekend.. but a week? A month? 2 months?
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. If I can't emote and
share? I'd be a caged animal. No matter how beautiful
and peaceful it is - that would be difficult for
anything more than 2-3 days. However Donna couldn't
have seemed happier.
We'll see what
tomorrow brings. I have a few things up my
sleeve...
