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11:36 PM, Tuesday, April 15th, 2008:
Still dazed. Still unable to process everything. In fact, both Donna and I were completely emotionless today. If that's not a sign I don't know what is.
So when I last left off we were heading out Saturday morning. Well, ends up withdrawing from meds (even after less than 2 weeks) is quite a kick in the ass. She couldn't pull it together so today was the next available day to go up.
If that surprises any of you, there's not a whole lot of choice. No outside contact for 2 months means no medicine refills, no therapy, psychiatrists - this is a full removal from all things western. It is a risk, and a guilt that will weigh on me if anything happens to her... but the alternative was literally killing her. If you were to see her today, you'd rest easy. No tears, no doubts - this was the right thing to do.
The three extra days that we had were very good. The moment the buddhist retreat was mentioned she was fine. It was like telling a prisoner he was getting out in a couple days. Just knowing she was heading in the right direction erased all other fears and doubts. It also gave us more time to define everything that's happening. Two months with absolutely no contact is clearly an end to our relationship as we know it. There's no way around that. As I mentioned in the last entry - although we didn't regret jumping, we can no longer deny that at best we broke our ankles and truth be told Donna broke much more. That ends today and we both move on and try to find our own sense of normalcy.
It was something I mentioned a couple months ago during a particularly difficult time. I said I needed to go back to home to my friends and family without her just to remember how nice people treat each other. I didn't mean it as an insult, it was completely me trying to explain what I was feeling at the time. You get so used to the raging, attacking ball of anger... that it starts to seem normal. You can't remember what square one is so you start to think things are great when they're just a hair shy of miserable. It's the one big "con" in being strong. I've been able to keep my head up and be strong for her this entire time, and unfortunately it's desensitized me...
...and therein lies the rub really. That's what these two months are going to do more than anything. I'm going to end up remembering what a normal relationship is. Seeing friends that care about each other - and remembering how love feels. It's a period that beyond Donna's own safety, will give me tremendous pause about even considering this road again. Blah blah... why analyze it. It'll work out the way it's supposed to specifically because we stopped the cycle and let each other go. It's a road I'm sad to say has been well traveled in my life.
<ponders a bit>
Gorgeous place...
That's the view from her front porch. I must say though, after an hour there, the thought of staying for even days really got to me. They get up at 6, have a strict praying/working schedule and everything is based around near-silence. I mean they talked to us when we got there but they explained to her there was to be no "chatter", no speaking at all after 2 in her little house on the lot. Whew. Like, I could pull that off for a weekend.. but a week? A month? 2 months? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. If I can't emote and share? I'd be a caged animal. No matter how beautiful and peaceful it is - that would be difficult for anything more than 2-3 days. However Donna couldn't have seemed happier.
We'll see what tomorrow brings. I have a few things up my sleeve...