(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
7:28 PM, Friday,
April 11th, 2008:
I did a good 3
hours of talk one night at WTVN on what makes us joke
about tragedies. Some kid had gotten shot for his
"Jegs" stereo and my first inclination was to think of
the tagline in a hyper-radio voice: "JEGS...our
products will blow you away". I never made a
spoof of it, I knew that was over the line, and
not even particularly funny, but I did admit that
it's what I thought and we all talked about it.
Most just said it's human nature, a few said
I was sick and needed help - and it was an
interesting night.
So with that open,
I throw this at you completely matter of fact,
and on the surface it is rather funny. Donna is going
to spend 2 months at a buddhist temple with no outside
contact. My wife is joining a monastary. Well, not
joining per se, but a super-retreat allowing her to
find herself. To say it out loud is funny. To write it
makes me smile. To think that this almost happened a
few weeks ago and would've been yet another classic
april fools day TRUTH that would've gotten you all is
even more humorous. What isn't funny however is what
has lead to this, what it really means, and how
incredibly painful the last month has been for both of
us.
The details
remained locked from last month but simply, Donna had
a breakdown and ended up in the hospital for 72 hours.
This is when the idea of the buddhist temple first
came up, but after a therapy session on a Monday after
36 hours in a catatonic state in bed that weekend, the
therapists told me I had to take her to the
hospital. For the immediate crisis, it was fine - but
it's anything but a place to get healthy. In the weeks
since she's gotten out things would be great, but
inevitably there'd be frightfully bad moments... about
absolutely nothing. They would pass, but they occured
more frequently. Things with us were fine, our best
day had to be April 1st where we laughed and giggled
at everyone's reactions, and I didn't seem to be the
scapegoat for her issues - but even that changed this
week. In a period I literally have to try and black
out of my mind she again, went over the edge and the
therapists said once again she had to be
admitted.
It's a very
difficult moment. It's kind of a soul searching moment
for someone in my shoes because you have to make a
decision for a loved one who cannot think straight,
and you're dealing with someone's life. 19 months of
knowing this being, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
allowed me to look ahead a few more months. The path
we are on is a never-ending cycle that puts Donna
further and further away from her soul. Going to a
place so loud and chaotic that they give you a
sleeping pill at night, then a waking pill in the
morning, feed you junk food and don't let you outside
is ridiculous... and she's got enough of a survival
instinct that she'll act her way out of there in 72
hours and we'll be back where we started. Soon 72
hours turns into weeks, the doses go up - she's lost,
I'm lost... or even worse. An attempt becomes a
success. This is insanity when the truth of the matter
is her body/mind is telling her she's in a toxic
situation. An acting class made her realize that it
was not what she wanted, so now everything she came
here for is gone - she has no friends, no car, no
money, no family and I represent guilt to her no
matter what I do because she feels so shitty for what
she's put me through. It's a never-ending
cycle.
So I brought
up her initial instinct, which was this buddhist
temple, and she lit up. It's a chance to have a
"schedule", to be in nature (Ojai, California is
absolutely gorgeous), and completely disconnect from
everything. It is 2 months. Two months. No outside
contact. I have no illusions about what this
means for "us". It will help her, it will help me...
bt the truth of the matter our ankles are most
certainly broken from our jump last June. We jumped to
avoid the hurtling train of deportation threatening to
seperate us forever and we couldn't look down. It may
end up she should've taken that train home, but she
didn't want to then and I didn't want her to.
What was once unhappy has become dangerous and
you can't live like that. I won't live like that. And
I think once she finds herself and gets back in touch
with that person without any influence - she won't
live like that either. Just where she won't
live like that is up in the air.
So whereas "Donna
is joining a Monastary" is rather amusing given the
twists this journey has taken, the reality is anything
but. I'm still however in "crisis mode" meaning
I haven't really had a chance to take this all
in. I've been putting out fires for...christ over 2
months? (sigh) I can only imagine what's going to
happen to my body when I can rest. It's that mode you
go into if you happen upon an accident and you're
trying to help people out of the wreckage. It isn't a
real state - it's this "floating" period. It's great
that I have that ability as it allows me to think on
my feet with little to no emotion but you can only
stay in that mode for so long without starting to go
out of your mind a bit. In fact, that's exactly what
it is. The ability to go outside your mind and look at
the situation from a distance. That distance makes it
clear that someone is close to losing their life and
their safety is all that matters. Tomorrow she regains
her life with hairless monks. OK, that's still kinda
funny. :-)
Throughout
everything in the last month Donna has
been working on a video that I thought was
quite appropriate for this entry. It
speaks for itself and she did an
incredible job on it. I showed her the
basics of editing, and she knocked it out
of the park. She really saw the joy of
projects behind the scenes for the first
time and it's actually been quite bonding
watching her come up with ideas and work
them out.
I
think you all may know how much
I looove Alanis Morisette
(you
must hear
this),
but she is a great songwriter and this is
a great song. I think Donna made a
beautiful piece and so many women can
relate to the sentiment.
(sigh) God,
watching it now... I just love her. I am
heartbroken this is happening - but that sentiment is
completely selfish. This situation isn't healthy. As
was the case a year ago when we jumped, the choice is
clear even if it's difficult.
Difficult. Heh.
The definition of that word changes every year of my
life...
