(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
locked until
12.23.08
7:28 PM, Tuesday,
March 25th, 2008:
You know, Jack
Palance was right in City Slickers. You find that one
thing, nothing else matters. For me it has been "The
Journey". It centers me, it excites me, it is an
outlet, it's fun, it's my anchor. With that in my
life, I can ride any storm...or at least I have
so far.
A call
on Easter Sunday from a family member
sorta blew my world up for a bit in the
midst of all that's going on with Donna
and a funny thing happened: out of the
shock I had the ability seemingly
better than anyone to put emotion aside
and take the right course. It was nearly
instant. For the next day or two I was in
a comfort zone that truth be told I've
been with concerning Donna for quite
awhile - and it really set me aback. Where
was this coming from? What makes a man?
You know? It's a silly, very personal
question that has no place in public
really - but alas, we have The Journey.
I say the shit we all think in
private within these pages. I act
arrogant, goofy, elitist and stupid all at
the same time somehow feeling safe within
these confines. I'm a little boy playing
in the snow even though he's being taped.
It's quasi-reality.
There's an old
quote, religious I believe, that says we're never
given more than we can handle. Crock of shit really,
if that were true people wouldn't jump off rooftops.
I do however believe that what you can handle
sneaks up on you. It's only the spontanaity of life
that mixes events and shows you what you're really
made of that you probably never thought you could get
through. But it's also the product of another facet no
one really seems to talk about...
If you use your
head the first time? The result isn't so bad. If you
play the cards you're dealt and not think that you
somehow influence every card given to you... if you
lose it's fine. Can I stop talking in symbolism?
Here:
The concern about
what people might think of ME, or what influence
I have in all this... is gone. It doesn't matter
to me. I don't regret the choices I've made.
Although I may be frustrated with moments of
weakness, the one in particular with "Winnie
& Ollie" is so overwhelming that choosing
love isn't necessarily the worst thing I could
do. I didn't bring this into my life because of rash
decisions. At every crossroads I weighed the options
and did what was right. Same thing I'm doing now. Even
if it's imploding by the day... I go back through my
options and I wouldn't do anything differently.
All the shades of grey in my options always
leaned one way or the other. Closer to white, closer
to black... the choices really weren't that murky.
Hard? Yeah, but not because they weren't
clear.
How will
I ever process all of this when it's over though?
I mean, hooray for being so strong but when do
I get to be taken care of? And will I ever not
have to ask that question?
