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for me!)
locked until
12.23.08
7:57 PM, Monday,
March 17th 2008:
As long as I live,
I will have that vision burned in my brain. The sight
of letting Donna go as she shook from fear being
admitted into the psychiatric hospital at the
emergency room. I feel her fear so acutely right now
I'm having difficulty doing anything but cry for her.
I finally did break down in the parking lot. They
said I could visit her again an hour after she was
admitted so I sat under this tree and just let go.
She's on a 72-hour hold and all we can do now is
wait.
I've
been singing "Rest
Easy
Donna"
all day as it seems to calm me.
I sang it to her over the weekend.
When I wrote it back in early
December it was clear the issues were
deeper than either of us imagined and all
I could think was holding her and letting
her sleep. Man, just got the similarity to
"Sleep
Baby
Sleep"
from Palaur which ended almost exactly 10
years ago to the day. Christ.
Anyway, this song says it all and I have
to admit, I'm clueless as to how this
plays out. I've just stopped my mind from
worrying about it because the ride has
started. There's not a lot that can
be done to change the course on my part so
I need to keep my head on straight to hold
on.
So how did we get
here? Last night got so much worse. She got up out of
the blue and was raging. Said if she didn't
have a sedative immediately she was going to "rip her
eyes out". All I had was nyquil and I think about
1-2 doses were left in the bottle. That certainly did
the trick and she slept another 14 hours until her
appointment at the therapist today. It took them all
of 3 minutes to come out and tell me we needed to get
her to a hospital immediately and away we
went...
...but man - if
not for them, I don't think I would've gone through
with it. Like seriously, is there a worse place for a
freaked out, anxiety filled person to go than an
emergency room? Fuck man it was intense and I can only
imagine what she's going through now. I just don't
know how we get past this right now. The silver-lining
now is that there's no denying it anymore.
She wanted to go today and knows that this is
"professional" realm. I must admit - just that
lifts a weight off my shoulders. The 18 months of
fighting someone who couldn't accept that fact is more
than exhausting, and as horrendous as this moment is?
It's indeed "the moment". It goes one-way or another
from this point on and the cycle officially ends
today. I'm proud of my ability to believe up to
this point. It has been couragous, it has been a
strength I didn't know I had and I know it's the right
thing. And as ridiculous as it sounds, this is
actually progress. This breakdown comes from therapy
and understanding what effect traumas have had and
it's some heavy shit.
That's one side of
me. The other is scared that I may never again see the
woman I fell in love with. This feeling of
complete disconnect from everything. Not being able to
trust who appears everyday is one thing. That's
expected. But this is different. It's too early to try
and analyze what it is but you don't always know if
you've past the point of no return until you're over
the cliff. Time will tell here, but my ability to have
hope (in the face of unimaginable situations) is
pretty remarkable. I am spinning though.
I think I'm gonna go get a videogame (something I
haven't done in a year believe it or not) and try and
escape for a night.
Donna, I love
you so much honey. Letting you go today was one of the
hardest things I've ever experienced. I am aching for
you, I am with you heart and body. Be strong sweetie.
I know it's in you to beat these demons and the
courage you've shown to find yourself is inspiring.
Today is a beginning.
