(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
locked until
12.23.08
3:33 PM, Sunday,
March 16th 2008:
I am
completely at a loss. I'm afraid Donna has actually
stepped over a line and I'm wondering if this country
is actually part of the problem. My head is spinning
at the moment and this entry will surely be locked -
so it's gonna pretty much be train of thought while
I try to figure out what the next step
is.
This
past week has been particularly difficult
for me and Donna. It is clear that there
is a chemical imbalance and when her
period hits it goes to a whole new level.
Has ever since I met her, like clockwork.
Now throw in the new therapist which is
understandably difficult as they
specialize in her particular issue more
than the first one... and it all starts to
get heavy. I had recently been telling her
that it was all taking a toll on me and
I wasn't sure how much more I could
handle. It wasn't a threat at all - but an
honest, person-to-person... I think I'm
"gone" sort of deal. You get to a point
where you're numb and simply can no longer
process on a level that the other person
needs. Our entire day, every hour revolves
around her mental well-being and something
just "cracked" with her Friday
night.
Unbeknownst to me
she called the suicide hotline and got a rather shitty
person on the other end and came into the living room
with mascara running down her cheeks telling me what
happened. I talked her down a bit and it's the normal
stuff - feeling inadequate, worthless, and then I
compound it because she feels guilty she's put me
through all of this.
Although none of
these feelings are new, something was clearly
different. Now she's in therapy, now she's admitting
there's something up chemically, now she's doubting
the "want" to be an actress realizing it was all a
defense mechanism due to her traumas. She's lost. She
had talked of suicide a couple times in the past 2-3
weeks but just at a bad moment in some monologue and
was fine soon after. Now she seemed serious. Finally
out of exhaustion she fell asleep and yesterday
morning was still really bad. She felt like she
needed to go to a hospital and we looked up some
options. All seemed a bit much at the time and since
she had a therapy appointment on Monday morning, she
thought she could make it until then. She also had
work, which I said I'd call for her if she wanted to
take it off - but she didn't want to explain anything
to them and said she would go in. Then, as it got
closer she didn't want to go - but now was 45 minutes
away and I said I would go in for her as it was too
late. Figured I could clear tables for them and
there'd be one other waitress. Then that made
her feel bad. She ended up going and when she got back
she was completely out of it...
...and that's the
last I've spoken to her. She's now completely in a
comatose state. She's been in bed now close to 20
hours and shook her head yes this morning when
I asked if she wanted me to leave the room. In
the past few hours though she completely stares off
into space and won't respond to anything. I just
don't know what to do next. I finally went in and
announced I was gonna contact her friend in South
Africa and she didn't respond. I wrote an email about
her maybe going back home as I thought this wasn't
going to end well. That's where we are right at this
moment. I made the little limerick
to the childhood song I had in a music-box in a
stuffed animal. Don't know exactly what the melody is.
I feel like I'm on the verge of losing it...yet
somehow I'm level-headed. It really is crazy man - I
go into this "zone" when hugely stressful things
happen where I'm just kinda numb and my logical brain
takes over. It's an incredible asset really. The
little song was just enough of an emotional outlet and
then zoom I'm back to writing letters to people
I don't even know in South Africa and calling
hospitals to plan out what to do next.
I'll break down at
some point, but right now there's bigger things to
worry about. Fuckin' scary man.
