Late
last night I was embarrassed by my
absolute lack of production on my 4 day
weekend, so as I was counting some
money I needed to give to my
construction dude (new driveway) the
following day I thought - I'll just
tape this. What follows is this this
video.
Described no other way than "Creative
Boredom" - but it made me giggle - reminds
me of Angry
Toast
Bits
from January 2002.
Anyway, this entry
could actually be pretty important. It all hit me the
other day:
"This
city by itself begets management"
Basically, it
beats you down to the point where all you can truly do
is your "art". Everything else is nearly impossible.
And sometimes, people even lose the ability to do
their art because of this city.
In Columbus, at
the start of the 4tvs Journey - I was a firecracker.
(I really need to devote some time to "The Negative
Entries" because it really tells the 4tvs story at
it's core.) I was a man possessed and sold myself
like a finely oiled machine. I had phone logs and
called and called until I got the answer I wanted.
'Cept for that fuckhead at the Thirsty Ear. What a
braindead nimwit that was. Anyway - I rocked the
house, and was very successful.
Now? I can barely
garner the strength to send out DVDs to booking agents
because of how defeatist I feel about them actually
watching them. It really took everything I had to get
the product/project done. The next part is almost
barely within me as I have no faith in what I'm doing
being the correct path.
In Columbus, it
was obvious - I wanted to book paying gigs. So I sold
myself like a band, had a great demo - professional as
hell, and I went to a million establishments and saw
where I'd fit. I made $200 - $250 a night pretty
easily, booked myself all over town because the
package was so well thought out. I knew my goal, and
made my path.
Now I don't know
what my goal is, and it whips my ass. This city takes
your psyche and somehow, someway…changes
you.
(gasp)
I believe that's
it. I believe it actually happened. What I've tried to
chronicle for 4 years has officially happened. I feel
changed, completely different than the person who
drove here 4 years ago - and I don't really know
exactly how/why or what did it. The answers however,
lie within these entries. You all know exactly what
has gone into this, it's all been clearly documented
in 278 entries. I am a different person than when I
came here.
My goal with this
Journey was to be as open and honest as I humanly
could about how I felt through all this, so if there
was a change, it would be chronicled bit by bit, not
with some magical moment in a biography. As I stated
very early in this, you always see those biographies
that show the hometown boy and then…BAM he's
Bruce Willis. And that middle part is missing. What
did he feel like during the callbacks on Moonlighting?
What did it feel like to know he "made it". When did
he change to a superstar. Did he? There's soooooo much
mystical grey area. That's what "The Journey" hopes to
avoid. If I do change, if I do become an asshole - or
just bitter, or whatever…anyone who cares to
know, will see exactly what lead to it.
Then again, it's
no real mystery that naivety can be the best thing in
the world, and all that's really happened is I've
grown up a bit. Charlotte does play a role, but had
she not been in the picture I would've been just as
depressed about the lack of a "Charlotte" as I am now.
With Charlotte we just got a HUGE spike in the roller
coaster, and a drastic downturn. So it was just a bit
more dramatic.
So why the hell am
I talking about this? Just another masturbatory rant?
No…and here we go: I'm actually in contact with a
manager/management company I've been introduced to
through a patient at work and it "could" be a very
good thing. To say I'm reserving excitement is to
truly say the least. As you can tell my mood is not
really…say "jubilant" as it was back in February
2001 when I met Charlotte. Part of this could be
because I haven't met these people yet, but something
tells me that I will probably reserve my excitement
for quite a period even if I do decide to go with
their company.
However, I have to
admit - if I do somehow pull this off, I will have
essentially done everything I could have ever dreamed
of doing in 2003. From the job, to writing the sequel,
to the house, to somehow completing the show and DVD
throughout the move - then to this? Whew. And after
how incredibly low 2002 was, I may have to add another
song to my year-end video because there's just so much
to cover. So keep your fingers crossed, because after
what I went through with Charlotte, it will take a
pretty special person to be able to put that much
faith into again.
