Adam Kontras.com - Barely Made It...





2:01 PM, Friday, December 31st, 2004: ...and I do mean barely. Just reread that last entry...so embarrassing, but so real. What can you do? Move on to the last one of the year... This year started with more promise than any year to date, except maybe 2002 and even by January 1st I knew shit was up then. 2004 however seemed big. My big goal was to get 4tvs on television in some possible way. Now with the clean show, that was a real possibility. By the end of the year however, I was lucky to even be in LA let alone be able to focus on the original goal. And amazingly, everything came down to something I created right at the beginning of the year: Adamazon.com. I knew it was a big deal then, but only through all the hell that has been the 2nd half of this year did I truly see what it meant. And it's nearly impossible to explain to people but I'll try in one more paragraph. That site, and the pages within, basically put my entire life in perspective. It showed me what mattered. Hell, it showed me that I mattered. It allowed me to look at what would be the worst case scenerio in my life - and it wasn't bad. It allowed me to realize that I am an artist, that creating unique content and entertaining people is what I was put on this planet to do...period. There's no wiggle room there. As long as I continue to do that, while striving to make it on a bigger level, I will have the most fulfilling life ever. I will always be happy, with or without the fame, and I will always have a purpose. So in a sense, because the focus ceased to be "GETTING SIGNED", I realized how successful I've been. And truly - how happy those projects make me. As I've expressed with "Songs From The Journey"...I've just never been more fulfilled with anything than that DVD. Sales? Makes no difference, the fulfillment has nothing to do with that. Creating great art is what fuels me and makes me a happy content person... ...which is the only reason the choices that were made in July were even possible. It was only because I knew myself soooo well, that I could simply "know" that going back to Ohio was not an option. And even then (as you can see from the last video) it's still the struggle of a lifetime. My heart hurts. It aches...but I know that the alternative is unliveable - so you take the heartache and move through it. Through everything though, T3 was still completed and I love it to death. I love the ending, I love the fact that all the kids in my family finally got to see me perform and now understand what their cousin does out there in LA. I loved having other people in the show and moreso that it inspired the pilot I'll shoot next year. But really, the biggest and best part of this year for my career was the loan officer job I landed in November. Somehow, with my back against the wall, I just became a great loan officer and have found a way to not only be able to stay afloat alone in LA, but to fund the projects that can really get me noticed. At a time when I've never been more lonely, never felt more heartbroken, I happen to also feel like the luckiest man on the planet. It's such a yin-yang thing for me. I can never be completely satisfied...and that's probably a huge blessing as well. Ramble, ramble, ramble... This is always a shitty entry to write because rarely do I want to reflect on the year as much as I want to write about my dreams for the following year. Hell every entry is a reflection, so a year-end reflection is just kinda boring. I don't want to write Cliff's Notes for everyone who decided to skip the shit when it happened. Heh. All I can really say is the even years have SUCKED during the Journey and 2001 was amazing, 2003 was at least positive, and 2005 needs to fuckin rule. Because 2000 was sooooo hard, 2002 was easily the worst from beginning to end, and 2004 - I lost Jessica. I lost my best friend. And it's made worse because it's like losing your pet cat by driving him somewhere, dropping him off - and then not coming back for 2 weeks and he's gone....NOT THAT THAT'S EVER HAPPENED. (sigh). As the year ends, I just feel incredibly blessed that I am able to continue this Journey. I believe in my heart that 95% of the people that would have gone through what the last 5 years have dealt me would not just be in Ohio for the holidays, they'd be here for good. I've avoided that, and therein lies the hope. I mean what on EARTH could possibly stop me now? (knock, knock, knock) I'll just have to look at this year as the year I truly saw what I was made of, and although I am not necessarily proud of it (choosing career over love), that choice allowed two people to avoid decades of misery. Jess, I will never stop loving you, caring about your life, and doing my best to help you along the way. I couldn't be more sorry that the correct path wasn't together, but only our love for each other even showed that path. In time, that will become more obvious. I don't for a second believe you have ever held me back, I don't regret one second of our 6 1/2 years together, and you will remain a source of inspiration for the rest of my life. I love you and want you to be proud of me and what I become just as I'll be ever-intently watching your life as your biggest supporter. So I'll see you at my next wedding when you cater it, and Burg takes pictures. I figure by my fifth wedding like my father I'll be able to cover the entertainment for the reception and maybe the bartender. ;-) Happy New Year everybody... Adam

2:01 PM, Friday, December 31st, 2004: ...and I do mean barely. Just reread that last entry...so embarrassing, but so real. What can you do? Move on to the last one of the year... This year started with more promise than any year to date, except maybe 2002 and even by January 1st I knew shit was up then. 2004 however seemed big. My big goal was to get 4tvs on television in some possible way. Now with the clean show, that was a real possibility. By the end of the year however, I was lucky to even be in LA let alone be able to focus on the original goal. And amazingly, everything came down to something I created right at the beginning of the year: Adamazon.com. I knew it was a big deal then, but only through all the hell that has been the 2nd half of this year did I truly see what it meant. And it's nearly impossible to explain to people but I'll try in one more paragraph. That site, and the pages within, basically put my entire life in perspective. It showed me what mattered. Hell, it showed me that I mattered. It allowed me to look at what would be the worst case scenerio in my life - and it wasn't bad. It allowed me to realize that I am an artist, that creating unique content and entertaining people is what I was put on this planet to do...period. There's no wiggle room there. As long as I continue to do that, while striving to make it on a bigger level, I will have the most fulfilling life ever. I will always be happy, with or without the fame, and I will always have a purpose. So in a sense, because the focus ceased to be "GETTING SIGNED", I realized how successful I've been. And truly - how happy those projects make me. As I've expressed with "Songs From The Journey"...I've just never been more fulfilled with anything than that DVD. Sales? Makes no difference, the fulfillment has nothing to do with that. Creating great art is what fuels me and makes me a happy content person... ...which is the only reason the choices that were made in July were even possible. It was only because I knew myself soooo well, that I could simply "know" that going back to Ohio was not an option. And even then (as you can see from the last video) it's still the struggle of a lifetime. My heart hurts. It aches...but I know that the alternative is unliveable - so you take the heartache and move through it. Through everything though, T3 was still completed and I love it to death. I love the ending, I love the fact that all the kids in my family finally got to see me perform and now understand what their cousin does out there in LA. I loved having other people in the show and moreso that it inspired the pilot I'll shoot next year. But really, the biggest and best part of this year for my career was the loan officer job I landed in November. Somehow, with my back against the wall, I just became a great loan officer and have found a way to not only be able to stay afloat alone in LA, but to fund the projects that can really get me noticed. At a time when I've never been more lonely, never felt more heartbroken, I happen to also feel like the luckiest man on the planet. It's such a yin-yang thing for me. I can never be completely satisfied...and that's probably a huge blessing as well. Ramble, ramble, ramble... This is always a shitty entry to write because rarely do I want to reflect on the year as much as I want to write about my dreams for the following year. Hell every entry is a reflection, so a year-end reflection is just kinda boring. I don't want to write Cliff's Notes for everyone who decided to skip the shit when it happened. Heh. All I can really say is the even years have SUCKED during the Journey and 2001 was amazing, 2003 was at least positive, and 2005 needs to fuckin rule. Because 2000 was sooooo hard, 2002 was easily the worst from beginning to end, and 2004 - I lost Jessica. I lost my best friend. And it's made worse because it's like losing your pet cat by driving him somewhere, dropping him off - and then not coming back for 2 weeks and he's gone....NOT THAT THAT'S EVER HAPPENED. (sigh). As the year ends, I just feel incredibly blessed that I am able to continue this Journey. I believe in my heart that 95% of the people that would have gone through what the last 5 years have dealt me would not just be in Ohio for the holidays, they'd be here for good. I've avoided that, and therein lies the hope. I mean what on EARTH could possibly stop me now? (knock, knock, knock) I'll just have to look at this year as the year I truly saw what I was made of, and although I am not necessarily proud of it (choosing career over love), that choice allowed two people to avoid decades of misery. Jess, I will never stop loving you, caring about your life, and doing my best to help you along the way. I couldn't be more sorry that the correct path wasn't together, but only our love for each other even showed that path. In time, that will become more obvious. I don't for a second believe you have ever held me back, I don't regret one second of our 6 1/2 years together, and you will remain a source of inspiration for the rest of my life. I love you and want you to be proud of me and what I become just as I'll be ever-intently watching your life as your biggest supporter. So I'll see you at my next wedding when you cater it, and Burg takes pictures. I figure by my fifth wedding like my father I'll be able to cover the entertainment for the reception and maybe the bartender. ;-) Happy New Year everybody... Adam