Adam Kontras.com - A scary time for The Journey





(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)

8:27 PM, Wednesday, October 17th, 2007: I've always thought that the end of The Journey would come without any warning. Just one day I'd say: "You know what? I'm done." I'd get the 9-5, have the health insurance, have the family and truth be told be incredibly happy. So the scariest times during this long struggle to make it - are the times when I'm incredibly burnt out, and I've never been happier to forget it all. And each time it comes to that? I'm a little closer. As the years go by the devastation of losing everything actually lessens... and that's bad. LOL. It actually means it doesn't matter as much to me as it used to - and having a family means much more. No one said you couldn't have both... but the scales are tipping.
Monday threw some weight on the domestic side... Monday was the day I thought I would hear from Tammy about a final no on Living Room Live... as of tonight - still nothing. Also thought I'd hear about Soapnet and again, as of tonight - still nothing. All of which means by the end of this week, I have no choice but to move my entire life back into the house, rent out my studio, and find ANYTHING in order to save the house. I will have to dip into my 2nd mortgage to make the payments on the 1st and the career is absolutely back-burnered while all focus turns towards survival. Add to all this what was supposed to be the highlight of the day, the interview with immigration making sure we were a bonafide marriage and not something "arranged". After 4 long months of waiting, Donna was finally going to be able to become a permanent US resident. Allowing her to finally get a social security card, to friggin' DRIVE... to be human. Talking to others in this situation they all warned us that we should bring a lawyer, that it's scary - blah blah blah. Most of these people were not bona fide so the grain of salt was received along with their advice. We actually are legit so what is there to worry about... ...and then there's my track record. And there's a man across a table looking at me like I must be a fucking asshole for trying to convinve him that I'm legitimately married 3 times at 32. 'Cause it's very clear I don't take marriage seriously, and would easily just "help out a friend" to get a greencard. "You actually think this is going to last?" was uttered. I can't believe how bad it hurt me. The reason it hurt me? Because nothing I can really say would make anyone think I take marriage seriously. Not in a few minutes mind you. Read the journey and you know how agonizing it's been - but on paper... it's ugly. He even said how in the industry "people get married, divorced...at the drop of a hat" and again - he's right. It doesn't matter that I'm not that person. It just hurt. Then he got into how much I made, which in 2006 was friggin' $17,000 as I had to live off savings (all of which is gone now). Humiliating. And I sat there feeling like a worthless piece of shit, who couldn't sponsor lemonade stand, who just turned 32 and whose career was gone. He ended up approving everything, which of course is wonderful, but goddamn it hit me. The Journey is so hard. It's just so hard. You're basically prolonging adulthood... That's what it feels like. You're being a "kid" for longer than normal. You're playing a GAME. And it wears on you. Donna though... has been wonderful. To say our last month has been spectacular is to say the least. We just laugh and laugh and our days are filled with fun. So ya see the balance? You see where you can't help but want health insurance and stability more than anything else? It eats at me. My future is really in the hands of The Journey Gods right now, because I need that spark to find whatever fire is left... and it's been like this for a looooooooooong month folks. Don't mean to bring everything down but I just have to document this. As I always say - I want to tell the TRUTH with this project. More than anything in the world - I want people to know, just how difficult it is. How many years it can take. And how those years can break you down to nothing... and then a phone call SHOOTS you into the sky like a man cannon in halo 3. Ha. Great segue... ...so Donna discovered turn-based RPGs... and I was able to put some time into a truly brilliant game: Halo 3. Loved Halo 1, hated Halo 2, love Halo 3. The polish on this game is incredible. The Theater mode alone is so cool they could've charged extra for that feature. To be able to play the entire single player game... and then watch it over with a flying camera in the level anywhere you want... I mean COME on. It's just awesome. So much fun. For fans, I'll have you know I completed it on Legendary Co-Op AND SOLO... as well as got all the skulls and terminals. Great, balanced game - and I'm having a blast. And there's no better video to describe what life's been like the last week than this entry's. Techonology is grand. So keep your fingers crossed for Soapnet and really... just everything in general. I still want this to happen, and your support helps more than you know. ;-) Adam

Monday threw some weight on the domestic side... Monday was the day I thought I would hear from Tammy about a final no on Living Room Live... as of tonight - still nothing. Also thought I'd hear about Soapnet and again, as of tonight - still nothing. All of which means by the end of this week, I have no choice but to move my entire life back into the house, rent out my studio, and find ANYTHING in order to save the house. I will have to dip into my 2nd mortgage to make the payments on the 1st and the career is absolutely back-burnered while all focus turns towards survival. Add to all this what was supposed to be the highlight of the day, the interview with immigration making sure we were a bonafide marriage and not something "arranged". After 4 long months of waiting, Donna was finally going to be able to become a permanent US resident. Allowing her to finally get a social security card, to friggin' DRIVE... to be human. Talking to others in this situation they all warned us that we should bring a lawyer, that it's scary - blah blah blah. Most of these people were not bona fide so the grain of salt was received along with their advice. We actually are legit so what is there to worry about... ...and then there's my track record. And there's a man across a table looking at me like I must be a fucking asshole for trying to convinve him that I'm legitimately married 3 times at 32. 'Cause it's very clear I don't take marriage seriously, and would easily just "help out a friend" to get a greencard. "You actually think this is going to last?" was uttered. I can't believe how bad it hurt me. The reason it hurt me? Because nothing I can really say would make anyone think I take marriage seriously. Not in a few minutes mind you. Read the journey and you know how agonizing it's been - but on paper... it's ugly. He even said how in the industry "people get married, divorced...at the drop of a hat" and again - he's right. It doesn't matter that I'm not that person. It just hurt. Then he got into how much I made, which in 2006 was friggin' $17,000 as I had to live off savings (all of which is gone now). Humiliating. And I sat there feeling like a worthless piece of shit, who couldn't sponsor lemonade stand, who just turned 32 and whose career was gone. He ended up approving everything, which of course is wonderful, but goddamn it hit me. The Journey is so hard. It's just so hard. You're basically prolonging adulthood... That's what it feels like. You're being a "kid" for longer than normal. You're playing a GAME. And it wears on you. Donna though... has been wonderful. To say our last month has been spectacular is to say the least. We just laugh and laugh and our days are filled with fun. So ya see the balance? You see where you can't help but want health insurance and stability more than anything else? It eats at me. My future is really in the hands of The Journey Gods right now, because I need that spark to find whatever fire is left... and it's been like this for a looooooooooong month folks. Don't mean to bring everything down but I just have to document this. As I always say - I want to tell the TRUTH with this project. More than anything in the world - I want people to know, just how difficult it is. How many years it can take. And how those years can break you down to nothing... and then a phone call SHOOTS you into the sky like a man cannon in halo 3. Ha. Great segue... ...so Donna discovered turn-based RPGs... and I was able to put some time into a truly brilliant game: Halo 3. Loved Halo 1, hated Halo 2, love Halo 3. The polish on this game is incredible. The Theater mode alone is so cool they could've charged extra for that feature. To be able to play the entire single player game... and then watch it over with a flying camera in the level anywhere you want... I mean COME on. It's just awesome. So much fun. For fans, I'll have you know I completed it on Legendary Co-Op AND SOLO... as well as got all the skulls and terminals. Great, balanced game - and I'm having a blast. And there's no better video to describe what life's been like the last week than this entry's. Techonology is grand. So keep your fingers crossed for Soapnet and really... just everything in general. I still want this to happen, and your support helps more than you know. ;-) Adam