(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
4:30 PM, Sunday, September 30th, 2007:
Have I used that title before? It seems like I could've about 50 times in the past 700 entries... oh fuck me. 700 entries? (sigh)
So here we are. How can I be here again... It really is haunting how the "sports team" omen has played out so perfectly isn't it? Just so close. And at the end of the day - you're completely unemployed without any interest from anyone, having to start over and recreate your entire career. I am astonished that nothing I did the past year even created a ripple. No interest from CBS, no interest from anyone else, not one job opportunity, I end it all as I began it having gained nothing from the CBS opportunity. How is it possible. It's absolutely unfathomable to me. I'm just completely overwhelmed. I can't fit anymore hats on my head man.
I know I'll find comfort in this period... it's a period I've grown accustomed to on this Journey. That scheming kid from WTVN that created the world whether people asked for it or not... but after this season of The Egos. Woah. It's like hitting a wall of mirrors. I ran and ran and ran for the past 13 weeks and the fact that I literally ran in a circle... it's as I said before: astonishing.
My heart at this moment tells me to lock myself in a room with a bunch of white canvases and some black charcoal, turn off all the digital shit and express myself with lines and curves and pressure and shading and a beard and long hair and a guitar and a piano to sing and record raw, dirty songs that come into my heart and find that soulful artist that was simple. Yes I can be simple. This entry's song is a perfect example of that. It's art in so many ways - and it just happens. From the row of pictures behind me at my father's house of my father at my age singing, to the fact that I'm wearing the exact same outfit as I was when I first sang this song 7 months ago with the opposite meaning (and I've never worn the combination in any other journey song) to the uneasy sped up sound of me going crazy, to the absolute eerieness of the foreshadowing in my song before... it's just effortless art. At times The Egos is so goddamn overwhelming you have to watch it 5 times and your head is still spinning. I guess I'd say I'm burned out.
Might also mention that I'm a bit under the weather, I'm dying to sleep in my own bed again, and everything's all starting to hit me right now. You just never really get used to this no matter how many times it's happened. I will go back to LA and regroup and find that "Adam" at some point. But the "bitter" phase needs a few days. That's Stage 2 of the stages of loss right? You know, I always skip Stage 1. Strange huh? I never have denial. I may hold out hope but when the writing's on the wall - I know it, see it, read it, yell it, write it - never deny it.
Heh, I'm literally sitting here and shaking my head as I gaze at these letters on the keyboard. Maybe I am in the denial stage. Ha. I just can't fuggin' believe that I'm here again. I mean at least I have something to show for the year, no doubt, but I keep asking myself:  "WHAT MORE COULD I HAVE DONE?!?!" I'm spread so thin, I'm doing so much - and it makes NO DIFFERENCE. 'Cause no one ever even sees it. As I said a couple entries back, it's not a matter of your best not being good enough... it's a matter of your best never being seen. Judge me, please - JUDGE ME. It's frustrating beyond belief, it's morbidly unfair, and truth be told - it's The Journey. Heh. The secret of "making it" in this town has little to do with talent and content and more to do with who you know and who you can get in front of. I have no idea how to do that and will be at the mercy of others until I do.
Maddening. But I dig the song. :-) Be sure and watch the one from February as the two together is just amazing.
PS - a quick thank you to Stephanie at "The Retreat" (my aunt's Day Spa) for doing this to my feet:
She got such a kick out of the fact that a guy would actually let someone do this to his feet and I was like:  "Who's gonna see it? Go for it."...
...then it was just too cool to do all The Egos colors so I had to put it on the site. So I guess everyone's gonna see it now - but it was funny. And seriously my second toe has like 4 knuckles and is a friggin' claw. It's like a middle finger man. Heh.
And of course thank you to Renee for treating Donna and I to a day of relaxation that we both enjoyed tremendously. If you're in Columbus by all means - check it out.
Say "The Egos" and get 10% off any 1 treatment. Ok, I totally made that up - but she'll do it. I know it.