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5:27 PM, Sunday, September 23rd, 2007:
What a difference a year makes.
I do realize that the "magic" of last year was nothing more than a lot of incredible things happening in succession. The world through rose-colored glasses. When one of those things change, and suddenly nothing is the same. All the neutrals start to turn sour - and pretty soon you just want to get out. Other than still being dopey in love with Donna, every element that made last year so amazing is...
The thrill of being on television has now turned into a routine remembered more by the fight for blocking and camera cues before you go live. There is no incredible pitch ending in a great opportunity. No executives excited to meet you. There is no incredible birthday being photographed in central park. Tony Soprano is now television history, so no galavanting on that set. "The Burger Joint" on 3rd and 20th is shut down. The Bears are 1-2 (getting crushed as I type this), so no "Team of Destiny" going undefeated despite Wrecks Grossman's poor play (Well at least that's the same. Heh.) There is no longer potential of this turning into more with the new leadership, so your overwhelming feeling is to get out. Move on. The longer you're around it, the more it deadens you. It really is depressing and when things are depressing in NY, you still have to walk to the depression. Physical exhaustion is one thing, but when you're also mentally drained from heavy shit... it adds up.
What it adds up to is this eerie undercurrent of "ick". Undefineable really. Everything is just wrong. The people become ruder, the city becomes LOUDER, the air becomes smoggier, the walks become longer and at the end of the day - you just want it to be over. You just want to be home... I'll go even one more level deeper for ya:
NY is the place when you have direction. When you know where you're going - NY will push you there. The electricity runs through you and it's like this network that you plug into and you can move mountains...
...but it's just too damn much when you're in limbo. It's too loud, it's too fast, and it will run you OVER if you don't have a clear idea of where you're going. And now? I don't. After tomorrow I'm starting over. I need to unplug from this network and start scheming again. Re-evaluate, rejuvinate, reinvent... but you just can't do that here. It really is a "State of Mind" thing. Now I know damn well that I'll be in that state of mind in the future - and there's only one place to be: NYC. But I'm far from that person right now.
Donna and I however...are wonderful. We're in such a better place than we were a year ago, it's almost impossible to compare. And also a far cry from last March in NY when everything was crumbling, I was alone, and I sat in a bathtub while "showering" for hours on end. A lot of that is locked as of now but suffice to say - it's a good thing my Dad came when he did. The embarrassment I felt over the egg on my face and the obvious impending outcome of "Up & Adam" after meeting with Vinnie... whew. It was a very difficult time. New York was a very cold place...
...just as it is now. NY is a reflection of who you are at all times. Seriously - ask anyone what they feel about NY it literally describes how their day is, or how their day was when they were there last. I know of no other place where that's more true.
So New York, we kinda love ya. And I can't claim to have invented that saying. A friend of Chad's made these T-Shirts which are pretty much the sentiment of every New Yorker actually living there. Again, depending on what type of day they're having.
But seriously, my love affair with NY isn't over - it's just getting the best of me at the moment. It's pointing out the kinks in my armor and I know I need to go back and make a new suit - I'm just kinda stuck here until Monday. And after THAT interception - Mr. Grossman will finally be sitting on the bench next week. Wow. Just wow.
Oh and if you'd like to buy the T-shirt I'll provide the link. Great shirt.