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- These really are
amazing entries and I actually can't even read
them right now. They hurt too much. If you want to
really grasp the depth of what occured you have to
read them - but basically, I was offered my own
late night talk show after Fergusen from the head of
late night at CBS. If this is the first time some of
you are reading this... try and take that in. That's a
big sentence. Now, of course nothing is a done deal in
showbiz and eventually things just fell through. No
one is to blame - it really was just a series of
miscommunications in the end - but it blew up my world
more than anything ever has. #622 and #623 are the two
entries I've been waiting to write my whole life and
that first video.... GODDDD.
It kills me to watch it. I'm glad I got to
feel it for a moment no matter how devastating
it is now that none of it was really true. On May 23rd
(#651 locked entry, unlocked song) it was officially
not happening even though I knew in March
there was no shot. I tried to attempt to put it behind
me...
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- ...so what the
hell am I doing? Why on earth would I tease the
"test show" that's really never happening?
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- Honestly?
I don't know. This is so inherently painful that
I can't imagine why I keep going through the
motions... but I do. It's not
positive-thinking...I'm just following my heart. My
heart said to make this piece. My heart said to
incorporate it into Living Room Live and just act like
the amazing news of February 10th - was still the news
of today. Get everyone excited and tease the "test
show". Now I can honestly say that I'm shooting Up
& Adam on Thursday at CBS... but it's only because
I'm making it up. It's not a "Test show" that the
execs look at to air on their NETWORK. It's only
because I decided to have fun with the Egos episodes
and throw this in there for a bit of a cliffhanger in
the Young & The Restless bit. And also because I
can personally make the opening myself - and I can
also dress any room to look like a late night set.
What this really is, is this surreal nightmare where I
take the biggest loss I've ever felt career-wise...
and pour salt in the wound by making a facsimilie that
only exists in my FUGGIN mind.
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- It's twisted man.
I mean, I'm even finding moments where I believe
it again. I'm extremely curious as to how this is all
gonna play out. I mean, it's like if it smells
like chicken, tastes like chicken and looks like
chicken... does it matter that it isn't chicken? Can
you pretend your way into success? We'll see.
But if I somehow do that, believe me - it doesn't
come from some "grand design". It all comes down to
one thing: Pushing your own personal limits no matter
what. Being scared shitless of "what if". I will
never have that with CBS and what I've pulled
off with the opportunity the gave me. If what I've
produced isn't seen as valuable to them I can
honestly smile, shake my head, and move on. Because
I not only did my best, I believe in my
heart I did more than anyone else on the planet
would've even attempted to do...
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- ...but this Up
& Adam thing really is the icing on the
psychiatrist's cake. It's like getting the million
dollar lottery ticket, missing the deadline to turn it
in - and then framing it and putting it on your
desk.
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- But hey, at least
you guys get to see the frame. Heh, the framework of
my straightjacket, but a frame
nonetheless.
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- ;-)
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- Adam
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