(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
1:22 PM, Tuesday, September 11th, 2007:
As I put my head down early this morning at 3:15 AM after completing 93 hours of work on the Up & Adam open...it occured to me just how twisted this is. Most would take in what I'm doing as a great attitude...but no, it's borderline masochistic. What I'm doing to myself right now is such a strange combination of psychological characteristics that I'm writing this more to understand it than to tell it. In order for you to take this in... I've finally unlocked the Up & Adam entries. 7 locked entries that explain what happened to me 6 months ago and how upside down my world was at that moment...
These really are amazing entries and I actually can't even read them right now. They hurt too much. If you want to really grasp the depth of what occured you have to read them - but basically, I was offered my own late night talk show after Fergusen from the head of late night at CBS. If this is the first time some of you are reading this... try and take that in. That's a big sentence. Now, of course nothing is a done deal in showbiz and eventually things just fell through. No one is to blame - it really was just a series of miscommunications in the end - but it blew up my world more than anything ever has. #622 and #623 are the two entries I've been waiting to write my whole life and that first video.... GODDDD. It kills me to watch it. I'm glad I got to feel it for a moment no matter how devastating it is now that none of it was really true. On May 23rd (#651 locked entry, unlocked song) it was officially not happening even though I knew in March there was no shot. I tried to attempt to put it behind me...
...so what the hell am I doing? Why on earth would I tease the "test show" that's really never happening?
Honestly? I don't know. This is so inherently painful that I can't imagine why I keep going through the motions... but I do. It's not positive-thinking...I'm just following my heart. My heart said to make this piece. My heart said to incorporate it into Living Room Live and just act like the amazing news of February 10th - was still the news of today. Get everyone excited and tease the "test show". Now I can honestly say that I'm shooting Up & Adam on Thursday at CBS... but it's only because I'm making it up. It's not a "Test show" that the execs look at to air on their NETWORK. It's only because I decided to have fun with the Egos episodes and throw this in there for a bit of a cliffhanger in the Young & The Restless bit. And also because I can personally make the opening myself - and I can also dress any room to look like a late night set. What this really is, is this surreal nightmare where I take the biggest loss I've ever felt career-wise... and pour salt in the wound by making a facsimilie that only exists in my FUGGIN mind.
It's twisted man. I mean, I'm even finding moments where I believe it again. I'm extremely curious as to how this is all gonna play out. I mean, it's like if it smells like chicken, tastes like chicken and looks like chicken... does it matter that it isn't chicken? Can you pretend your way into success? We'll see. But if I somehow do that, believe me - it doesn't come from some "grand design". It all comes down to one thing: Pushing your own personal limits no matter what. Being scared shitless of "what if". I will never have that with CBS and what I've pulled off with the opportunity the gave me. If what I've produced isn't seen as valuable to them I can honestly smile, shake my head, and move on. Because I not only did my best, I believe in my heart I did more than anyone else on the planet would've even attempted to do...
...but this Up & Adam thing really is the icing on the psychiatrist's cake. It's like getting the million dollar lottery ticket, missing the deadline to turn it in - and then framing it and putting it on your desk.
But hey, at least you guys get to see the frame. Heh, the framework of my straightjacket, but a frame nonetheless.