Was
I foolish to expect a different
reaction? Was it naive of me to think
people would have actually read the
divorce entries in July and August of 2004
and empathized with that pain? Was it
irrational for me to assume you would see
the split as a success story and once
feeling that way not hold it against me
like a strike? Apparently...because I must
admit that some of the reactions to this
news have actually hurt. I know
I come off as having a sense of humor
about everyting (and truth be told
I really do), but it's amazing that
no matter how justified (and so obviously
right) your decisions may be... you will
always be judged by other people's
experience. If divorce = failure to
someone, nothing will change that until
they go through it. I've finally accepted
that and let go. If people really want to
know the truth - it's all here in
white on black. Nothing more I can
do...
...of course
I must say in everyone's defense, once they knew
the whole story, most everyone was much more
understanding and the dripping sarcasm was harder to
detect. LOL - still there mind you, but not so blatant
as: "Wow. Well, good luck with that."
On my
grandmother's birthday, June 27th, Donna and
I will be getting married on the beach at sunset
and spend the next 50 years trying to resemble the
greatest love affair I've ever known in my life. To
say this is a sudden announcement is only half of the
story - but there's one thing you can't deny - even at
our rockiest, I forwarded everything I ever wrote
with: "...but holy bejeebus I love Donna and am
heartbroken this isn't working out." Since
I returned from New York in March, things have
been extraordinary between us and it really looked
like come fall or maybe next spring it was reasonable
to consider marriage. Didn't want to jinx anything,
I just wanted to enjoy the peace for a bit, get
into the groove of our relationship and worry about
the "M" word down the road. I am more than gunshy
after what I've been through and just needed
time...
...now enter
reality: Donna's visa was up at the end of June.
Nothing new really, she had what she needed to apply
for an artist visa (getting a greencard by having a
certain amount of success in your field in your home
country), as she was on network television in South
Africa and had all the paperwork needed. We knew the
time was coming to start that paperwork so in late
March we went and talked to an attorney who explained
the process and we found it was over 3 times more
expensive than she had assumed. Close to $10,000 and
the worst part: by no means guaranteed. He
looked us dead in the eye and said: "If you were
considering marriage anyway, do yourself a
favor and don't stress about 'tainting' your
relationship. I did that with my wife and what
could've been done in a couple weeks and cost less
than $1000 ended up wasting 2 years of my life and
$10,000 and we ended up getting married
anyway."
It was a lot to
take in for me. Things finally going smoothly with us
and now I'm in a situation of having to take an even
bigger leap of faith than everything I've done before
- combined. Before, I had never felt rushed and
had the luxury of waiting years before
I was comfortable. It's funny how many of you
think that because I take risks and follow my
heart that it's somehow easier for me. Trust
me, it's just as hard, just as scary, and just as
emotional for me as it is for anybody - and
I have the scars to prove it. And truth be told,
even though I consider Jess a successful chapter
in my life, I'm well aware of what "number" I'm on and
am still trying daily to heal those wounds and truly
trust again. It is very, very
hard.
So Donna and
I sat and talked about it and as I've mentioned
before, if you think I have reservations - the
thought of Donna having to rely on someone or
be beholden to someone brings out the fighter
in her boy. And it's because she truly doesn't
need to. But what we need right now is
to not spend $10,000. So we hugged each other that day
and said: "Let's let it lie for now..." and tried to
just act like the end of June would never
come.
Funny though, it
came right on schedule completely ignoring us. I'll be
damned. The one thing I needed more than anything
- time - I simply could not have. I battled with
my heart, my head, my soul for weeks and finally had
an epiphany. I simply asked myself: "Are you really
gonna let her go? No, Adam, stop arguing the finer
points, just answer the question, could you really let
her leave?" And the answer is overwhelmingly obvious:
of course not. It doesn't matter what it looks like to
anyone, it doesn't matter how fast it is, it
doesn't matter how rocky our past is, it doesn't
matter that ideally we would both rather like to have
more time to feel less pressure about the situation -
if made to choose, there's no way in hell I'm letting
her go. So I stopped cursing the situation that was
forcing our hand and just allowed myself to be happy.
These were the cards I was dealt, my hand is
obvious, and I stopped arguing with the
dealer...
...and the
pressure lifted. I feel like the luckiest man in the
world again. Granted, we will still be learning about
how to do "us" well into our marriage and
beyond...but that's kind of the secret to all
relationships. If you think you've got it all figured
out before you get married? I've got a bridge to sell
you. Truth is, you learn everyday. I want this to work
so bad I can only point to my own words when
I thought we weren't going to work
out:
"Everything
I've ever hoped for in a
partner,
and an
even bigger list of things I never thought I'd
have."
That is the truth.
That is not looking on the bright side, nor making
lemonade out of lemons - that, is, the, truth.
I love her without reservation. I want this
to work, this will work, and I know in my soul I've
found the person I'll spend the next 50 years with. I
am ecstatic about getting married. The only reason I'm
bringing any of this up is because I'm telling you
guys and I already got a taste of your reactions
before posting this. I'm giving it one good college
try to get people to understand where I'm coming from,
then I'm posting and moving on.
But first, let me
add one last wrinkle to all of this that I'm
completely alright with you laughing at ad infinitum.
You can gleefully tell your friends, "Yeah, well I
know a guy who..." Heh.
So I'm in Columbus
right now. Why? To get divorced. (sigh). Believe it or
not, our randomly appointed court date for the
disillusion is exactly one week before my wedding day.
And as if that wasn't Ricki Lake enough Jess and Jeff
are coming out to LA next week for the wedding.
Ha. (I actually
just laughed). This really wasn't planned like this.
Back in April when Jess and Jeff visited it really was
a coincidence that the paperwork for the house buyout
was ready right then. As mentioned before, the delay
in our divorce was always about that and it getting
worked out had nothing to do with a need to get
re-married. Jess filed the papers when she got back
and I had no idea when the final court date would
be. In fact this entire time I've been with Donna, us
getting married was never an option as I wasn't
even able to. So feel free to throw all those
conspiracy theories out. I found out in late
April, nearly a month after we talked to the lawyer,
that our court date was June 20th and it is indeed the
only thing that makes this even possible. It just all
sort of fell into place like that, but this is one I
certainly understand that you'll all laugh at for
quite awhile. It just looks bad. The truth just isn't
as funny as me having to fly out to Columbus to get
divorced just in time to fly back to LA to get
married. I plan on adding a few lines to the wedding
video playing with that.
Oh and the wedding
video - heh. I think that's the moment you'll
really know me and Donna. We're planning on totally
having fun with the situation and make a short film
playing to all the jokes you're already thinking about
it all. We've gotten to that stage where we know no
one is ever truly going to understand what
we've gone through to make this work, so fuck it -
let's have a laugh with it. We know we'll be laughing
about it for decades with babies and grandbabies, so
we'll just let you think what you want...
...well
that is, after Adam writes an entire entry trying to
defend their actions...
