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unlocked
01.09.09
1:25 PM, Tuesday,
January 6th, 2009:
I remember the
moment I understood the chorus to the Lenny Kravitz'
song "Can't Say No" like it was yesterday. One word
came to mind: "Pimp." The line is: "If you can't say
no, just think about me" meaning, if you have to sleep
with someone else, think of me during it. The bravado
of: "Yo babe, I can't be everywhere at once, so I'm
gonna cockblock the dude mentally no matter what he
may think he's doing physically." is amazing. It's a
confidence I've never had, and I've certainly never
been in a situation to actually say that to
someone...
...but leave it to
me to find that situation and have it NOT be pimp in
the least. I'd find a way to say it with a meaning of
desperate longing to be close to someone but
understanding it just isn't possible and hoping I can
have some lasting effect on them. It's a line filled
with sadness and desperation and explains why I can
rarely get out of a relationship without a lifetime
commitment: I see things through to the end. Even when
I've SEEN it through to the end, I still try and throw
paint on the situation to leave some sort of positive
mark. Even when I try to be Lenny... I just end up
being Squiggy. <---genius line. Stand and applaud.
:-)
So clearly, I met
the woman I wasn't going to meet. To our credit we
waited until the very end of the trip and at that
point figured: "why not". The moment was actually more
dramatic than I imagined and so "out-of-a-movie" I'm
cautious to describe the scene for fear of it being
copied. It's a short-film no doubt... Anyway - the
result of the meeting was exactly as we both thought
and feared it would be. We clearly get along, clearly
have a pretty deep connection with several shared
experiences and understanding of each others' issues
and we haven't the slightest idea what comes next.
Logistically speaking? We just move on. We remain
friends and just see other people and live our lives
-- happy we at least have someone to talk to that gets
us on such a level... but all dramatic "moving across
the country" scenarios likely will not play out.
Rather anti-journey isn't it? I mean, I don't KNOW
those scenarios won't play out, but things are
different when you own a house or in her case actually
have an established career with several nearly decade
long clients. It's so hard to even begin to embrace
something that at best would require a complete
upheaval of lives just to co-exist. Relationships are
already hard but starting with that kind of baggage is
almost too much. Time will tell.
And
that, ladies and gentleman, is The
Journey. Shades of gray that remind you
you're too damn old to believe in black
and white. Or pink for that matter. I mean
good fuck - look at that Barbie bathroom.
Seriously? I know a man is smart to keep
his hands off 3 rooms in a house when
living with a woman: bathroom, bedroom and
kitchen... but that color pink makes it
difficult to even shit. LOL. I feel like
I'm staining the sanctity of the room just
by walking in there. Classic.
I guess it all
just adds to the colorfulness of my
life...
