(If your computer can handle
it please click this YouTube
linkand 'Watch in HD'. It's
Incredible.)
unlocked
01.09.09
10:40 AM, Friday,
January 2nd, 2009:
What an incredible
trip back to Columbus. I will be leaving here with a
feeling of complete positivity, certain that I've not
only healed myself - but have helped others do the
same. I can't remember a time where I felt so good
about how well I've been HEARD. You know? There seems
to be no lack of communication, everyone I meet seems
to understand where I'm at, what I'm going through -
and no one is being disrespectful of my time, space
and heart. I honestly can't believe it. I want so
desperately to be able to put some universal truth in
this entry as to why things are working out like this,
but I just don't have the distance to process it all.
I just know it feels incredible and is absolutely why
striving to be honest has such incredible rewards.
I'll be the first to admit I stumble with honesty in
matters of the heart because I want so badly NOT to
hurt someone's feelings, but it blows my mind how
foolish that can be. Honesty always wins.
There's been an
incredible theme to nearly every day I've spent here
in Columbus and that's: responsibility &
accountability. Every person I've spent time with is
dealing with some form of those two words, be it
taking care of kids, taking care of parents, working
through issues - and they're all fighting the good
fight! It has filled me with such inspiration for
human kind. I mean that's the part Donna ripped from
me when she chose to run: the belief that anyone
actually sticks around and takes care of their shit.
Maybe it's a mid-west thing? Maybe that's why I've
connected so deeply with someone from so far away (we
still haven't met believe it or not). And man, I just
love hanging around people that take care of their
shit! GOD. THOSE are the people you want to help. You
know? I feel like I'm watching people try and put up
the side of a barn or some shit, and they believe
INTENTLY they can do it. They're struggling, but it's
happening. I'm so happy to run up and help them push.
They're not sitting on their asses looking at it on
the ground and kicking it... they're like: "fuck it,
we got this".
And amidst that
sense of responsibility and accountability is most
certainly doubt. The doubt that they'll never have
help. That they'll never find someone who gets them.
And of course the one person who does lives on the
other side of the country. But guess what doesn't
matter? The ending. Hear me out here: The fact that I
may or may not be the right person, doesn't change the
fact that I'm an example of positivity that proves the
idea even exists. Proves there are men who take care
of their shit, just as I'm seeing that there are women
that do the exact same thing. I'm realizing that
influence doesn't always have to be for life to be
life changing. Just the belief that it exists really
does change everything. Knowing you're not alone in
the world can be so transformative... even knowing
there will be no white picket fence. It's just been
wonderful.
The
video is from New Year's Eve where I was
invited to sing "Danny Boy" with Hilda
Doyle's band "The Ladies of Longford". I
went to high school with her daughter,
Stephanie, and their band is
abso-fuggin-lutely incredible. A mix of
Celtic music with a bunch of stuff thrown
in and seriously some of the best
musicians I've ever seen. Not for
Columbus, I mean ever. So much energy, so
much fun - I can't possibly recommend them
more. I will be putting together a little
promo of their stuff soon and can't wait
to share it. It's so symbolic after the
year I've had to see a bunch of women
kickin' the shit out of a song. I AM WOMAN
HEAR ME ROAR. :-)
And of course my
time in Columbus is nearing the end, and there is one
last story unresolved. Will we meet. We're considering
meeting on the last night and though on the surface
that seems like the right thing to do... deep down I
have intense reservations about it. This is a huge
internal struggle and I really am 50/50. I just can't
express how NOT ready I am to be in any sort of
relationship, and I also can't express how legitimate
our connection is. All of you, shut up. I know you
guys think you know what's gonna happen... but...
damnit. (Sigh). Stop knowing me better than me. I just
don't want to get swept up!!! DAHHHHH. We've already
proven we're both a bit obsessive... WHY DO THIS!?!
There's no way we'll do this lightly. No possible way.
I've BEEN here before man. I know how this shit ends.
Why can't I stop it before it starts?!
'Cause then you
wouldn't be Adam Kontras. Haven't you learned that by
now?
