I need to preface all of this
by saying these are my feelings. Most of the time my
feelings are dead on. As with everyone, sometimes I
read too much into things and get off track a bit.
Either way, it's been keeping me up at night, among
other things, and I guess I need to vent. I reiterate
that this is more stream of consciousness than
accusations.
What worries me most is that I
should be getting cold feet about my wedding, not my
job! But I have no doubts about her. My job on the
other hand...
First, you need to realize that
the agreement for Movie Minded was based on
percentages of revenue. Completely understood going
in. I knew I needed to put together a pilot
for the syndication company to sell and then we'd be
off. I knew there was no payment here. No
problem. They were giving me enough "paid" work on the
side to make ends meet. Then we all found out that the
syndication company needed 3 EPISODES. Well, we were
all thrown by that, so no biggie, but still a
tremendous amount of work to put the next 2 together,
but they were done. Still not getting paid, but no
biggie. Now we wait until we ARE bringing in
revenue....except they felt we needed to do more. So
we do The Patriot one. A tremendous amount of work on
my part...more hours than I can ever remember working
on something...extremely time consuming, but they were
still giving me side work to pay the
bills.
Well, now there's a lull, and I
will have a period of basically 5 weeks with no pay,
and no work...except of course more Movie Mindeds that
we're making for some reason. Everyone else working on
the Movie Minded's gets paid... It's a tough
position.... Where I feel duped is that, I kind of
think I should've come back to Columbus and
reevaluated everything and started over. But because
of HST, we stayed, got a new apartment and are leaving
in a matter of hours. Now there's no money. None.
Besides the fact that the money I was getting
before was without taxes being taken out. And
I couldn't put any away because every penny went
to living expenses. When I bring all this up to HST -
"Well, that's the life of a free-lancer...paycheck to
paycheck"...
Of course I allowed them to
low-ball my pay because I knew they weren't
making a dime on this stuff yet, and we were all a
team....RIGHT. I'm now seeing that that's not the
case. I feel they're using me to make more Movie
Mindeds because it's free for them, and what am I
gonna do...say no? Leave? Well, they're right. They
got me. They made me feel secure enough to stay, and
now...5 weeks without pay...I'm right back where
I started from.
How do you make it clear to
someone you want them to be up front? Good question.
I realize this is LA for christ's sake...what do
I expect, but they must realize that I am a man
here. Not a pawn or a machine. If I break my lease in
2 months and go back to Columbus, there's no Movie
Minded, no fast-ass talented video editor making all
their syndicated shows. I will not be toyed
with...then again, I guess I will. What
choice do I have. Do I try and start a video
editing service and become a production company out
here? Are you kidding? I haven't the resources or
the contacts to do that...nor do I have the heart. And
what kills me, is I'm asking for a living wage. Which
they promised me (orally of course) back at the end of
April. April and May were fine...fine enough that
I felt comfortable staying here another year and
paying the exorbatent living expenses. Now,
I have no choice but to sign the lease tomorrow
and am at their beck and call. They got me. They win.
I have to grovel. I have no choice. They can tell
me "hey sorry, we have no work for you at all this
week...bye" And I just gotta take it. Then they can
say...we'd like you to do a few more Movie Mindeds
even though no one has bought it yet, and you get no
revenues for it...and of course I say
yes.
The irony of it all is so
striking. It's not like I signed a bad contract and
wish I had it back...what was I supposed to do
back in April...hire a lawyer? And
really...I could leave at any time if
I wanted...but what good would that do? So I'm
absolutely stuck. I could've gotten out before...moved
back home and reworked a plan to come BACK out in
a year...but nope, they got me.
"Adam, what in the hell are you
writing this for? What if they see this? Why are you
playing your hand so open?"
As I stated above. This is how
I feel. I don't know what they're thinking. I
don't know their true motives. It could all be
genuine. Movie Minded could sell like crazy in 3
weeks, and I get to laugh about all this....these are
just my feelings. I feel hoodwinked, swindled, taken
advantage of...and most of all - YOUNG. LOL. It feels
like running a talk show at 19. I had the talent, the
determination, everything in the world, but not the
power. And whomever has that power...can change your
life. Darryl decided he didn't want to listen....the
PD of the station wouldn't listen...HAHAHA. He
had the power, I was soon replaced. Ya know? Now I'm
hittin' 25 in a month or so, and it's the same
thing...I FEEL like they're saying: "Kid's so
desperate he'll take anything we shove his
way..."
I was definitely a bad businessman
in that sense. I knew it the second we had a meeting
in April...I mean how could you be any other way -
after the 4 months I had? What leverage was I
gonna use? Hell I was eating ramen noodles 3 times a
day. They held my nuts. They stroked em goooooood too.
And now they don't even touch me anymore. LOL. I guess
this is kind of funny. But when you're not
working...you start to lose it. And I haven't a DAMN
thing to do.
And what about Movie Minded? Do I
just plop my head up and down and say yes? Or do I
say...can we PLEASE wait until some money is coming
in? Obviously they can't do it without me. Free
acting, free editing, free everything...I don't know.
This is just the ramblings of a man in the middle of
the night, who cannot pay his bills. I'm really,
really, really considering selling everything 4tvs
related and getting a cheap ass car. We would probably
save $600 a month. A MONTH. On top of the money I
would get for the trailer and equipment. Of course if
HST folds I don't have shit to show for 4tvs. Wow. Can
you imagine. I freakin' hate being an adult
sometimes.
-You're 11, and you gotta decide
whether to watch The Dukes of Hazzard or Miami Vice.
You're 10 minutes into the Dukes when you realize it's
a repeat. By that time you've missed the
ever-important first scene of Miami Vice, and you're
just screwed. I would give anything to feel that way
again.
-You bought the Sega CD, and 2
months later Playstation comes out. You made the
WRONG choice. So you have to play sewer shark.
What a consequence.
-Someone breaks into your car and
takes your new stereo you got for your 18th birthday.
You're out $200. $200 doesn't even pay car insurance
for 2 weeks.
You know, Jess and I kill
ourselves about not eating out, and budgetting, when
you know what? It doesn't even freakin' matter.
Honestly. If our food bill TRIPLED it would still be a
fraction of a fraction of everything else. You really
can't budget out here. Saving $100 a month on rent is
cool, but they don't pay water or gas at the new place
so...it all balances out really and we're down 1
bedroom....(sigh) - God I must be bi-polar. My highs
and lows are just incredible. Unfortunately I'm not
bi-polar...my life is. It's not my mind that is
altering my mood...life really is just that freakin'
stressful. I honest-to-god understand how people come
to LA or NY and are back within a year. I mean, I
haven't even gotten to the point where my talent and
determination will be able to shine...ya know? Where
that great haracter comes out that seperates you from
the dreamers. And all because of the extra cash that
it takes to keep 4tvs running. A show, that will
never make me a dime (well yes, a few dimes) in this
city, that I feel the need to hold on to. It sure
seems like the writing is on the wall doesn't it.
DAMNIT.
I can't begin to tell you how
FREAKIN' ANGRY that makes me. I can't
believe 4tvs can't make money. DAMNIT. AHHH. What a
great fuckin idea. I need to relax somehow. Yeah
right. There's hardly a way to escape life, and not
ruin it too. Ya know? No matter what the stress, I'd
never do the common pitfalls of man like being a drunk
or taking drugs, because that wouldn't allow me to
escape life...it'd make life EVEN MORE stressful.
So what's the answer? Play videogames? Watch TV?
Wow...what a revelation:
Creating. That's my stress
reliever. Whenever I'mnot creating something, I'm a
basket case. Hmmm. Non-productivity. I'm really
thinking about this for the first time. Like, I grab a
diet coke and get ready to watch the game on tv...and
not 5 minutes into it...I'm up walking around cleaning
up or doing something. Icannot just relax. If I'm
watching a sit-com, I study what makes the
writing good or bad. Watch and enjoy a movie? RIGHT.
I'm thinking about the movies I'm gonna make soon,
constantly. I'm learning from every edit. Watching how
they evoke motion, how the framing of a shot can weave
a storyline.
So I guess I just need to be
creative during these down times. So, I can't work for
5 weeks...I can do something. Something that will put
me further ahead...SOMEHOW when the work starts up
again. Cool.
That helped.
By the way, the movie
for this entry is actually the first time
I've ever put something up that has
nothing to do with my life. It actually
just impressed me that much. It's a short
6 second clip, and there's a
secret
about it. Be sure to watch the movie
before you hit that link. Here
it
is...enjoy.