Entry #50
11:00 AM Monday, June 5th, 2000:
It was 5 months ago today that Marty, Jess and I arrived in LA to start our adventure. It wasn't but 3 days later that disaster struck and made for 4 months of hell for Jess and I. Though we didn't know it at the time, April 14th changed all of that. That was Entry #40, when a Jon Stewart look-alike handed me his card and provided an opportunity to showcase my talents, and earn a living wage. Of course it didn't happen right then. I still needed to break down for 10 more days. I wrote the April 23rd entry with much abandonment in my heart. I knew it was the end. Jess and I had spoke of it for quite awhile, and we were coming home to try and start all over. The following day I gave Mr. Eric Moro (Jon Stewart look-alike) a call and an email that was simply desperate. We met that day, he proposed Movie Minded to me and 4 days later I signed the contract.
And now we come to Entry 50. Everything's starting to come together. After sacrificing all of 1999 to afford the entire 4tvs dream, and 5 months of 2000 barely being able to breathe, Jess and I have NEVER been this happy and POW:
Because of a series of miscommunications that just can't seem to get worked out...Jess and I won't be coming back to Columbus to get married. After all of her work and planning and simply extraordinary budgetting, it's all over. Not between us mind you! But the wedding of our dreams will just have to wait. If it was just the wedding, we could live with it. Unfortunately by circumstances out of our control, I'm watching Jessica go through the hardest days of her life - and I cannot help her. How horrid is that feeling? Here is a person who has sacrificed right alongside me because she believes in me. And at a time when we should be rejoicing and finally starting to relax a bit - the rug is pulled out from under us and money is an issue again, and so is our emotional state.
Needless to say I'm angry and frustrated that there's nothing I can say or do at this point to help her. We both understand the miscommunications, and would love to try and rectify the situation...but the line of communication has been abruptly cut. So you say your goodbyes...move on and keep your chin up. Jess and I both have the character and strength to realize the truth without flaunting it and simply hope for the future. And what a future we have now. I'm shooting Episodes 2 and 3 tomorrow, and I can't wait. This "miscommunication" has actually brought my divorced family closer together which is a wonderful added plus, and my love for Jessica grows with every passing day. She truly is the most courageous, intelligent, loving person I have ever known. She's standing up for what she believes in...against odds that no one should ever have to face. Honestly, murderers get more compassion. I cannot wait to tell the world that I am married to her. And I can only hope she feels the same.
The video for today is a little presentation I started that was gonna be shown at the wedding, and given away as gifts. It's amazing how when you have no money, you sometimes come up with the most creative gift ideas...and ultimately more memorable. I'm afraid that once the money starts to come back, I'll lose that. I sure as hell hope not.
YouTube link added 02.13.09
Anyway, that's about it. I reread this and let me reiterate that our physical health is fine. I'm sorry to be SO VAGUE here, but as was the case with CD101, the details simply don't change the story. The story is about me and Jessica sacrificing our present for a better tomorrow through intense adversity. And amazingly, right now seems to be the most adverse situation we've ever been through. I wonder how I'll remember 2000. 1999 was the year of the most risk. All that money being poured into a dream with absolutely no assurances. 1998 was the most mentally up in down hectic year of my life. The highs and low's were just insane. Palaur.com is a testament to that. 1997 was simply the worst year of my life. A divorce will do that for you. I'd have to say 1996 was one of the best. My album, the late show, getting married... It's incredible, but from each year to the next, my life is drastically different. I don't know anyone who's had so much happen to them at my age. Man, at 30 I'm gonna be spent! Wow...that's 5 years and 4 months away. Ugh.
Well, again...though we say it to each other about 10 times a day...I love you so much honey. I hope you enjoy your video.
original video file
JUNE 2000