8:47 PM, Wednesday, March 16th, 2022:
A drink in, and I can write what may be a locked entry. What, the fuck, just happened. I'll give you the video and try to unpack it...
When I hear you cry there's something in me that needs to wipe your eyes,
But I'm here. A lifetime away...
So a call from my ex, Jess, prompted this. All of which probably needs an explanation. I am not yearing to be with her, I love her husband Jeff - that's not the emotion here although outsiders watching that video probably don't understand how close we are to them.
Jess, Talya and I have always kept in touch - talking every couple months. They recently moved to Florida and are now moving back... so her family is going through a LOT right now. We are far past the time where it's appropriate to talk about details of what they're going through, we've been apart for nearly 20 years, but suffice to say - it is a fuckton. And again, Talya and I have had numerous conversations with her over the past few years and we both genuinely care about her. Me, for obvious reasons, but for Talya (speaking for her) there's something about midwest nice that people from California truly do appreciate. That's the feeling I get. Maybe Talya writes an entry on here. Seems a rite-of-passage for Kontras wives - LOL. But they've actually talked together without me... obviously they have one commonality (me), but in general - they're both just nice people and like each other. They'd be friends with or without me.
So when I heard Jess break down crying today, and then have to hang up really quick... I spent like 8 minutes battling all these emotions. Those 8 minutes happened to be when I said goodbye to my kids who were going to school. Crazy timing, it was right as they were walking out. When she called back to continue filling me in, I was CLEARLY shaken. She asked if I was alright and I just wept. And I could barely get out the words: "I just love you and want you to be happy" to which she broke down again and we had this bizarre moment that felt like 2004. There was this overwhelming need to help her. To wipe her eyes, help her solve the problems... all that...
...except I'm 20 years away, that's not my role, and it was just this part of my cranium that hadn't been accessed for 18 years. When we finally hung up, I just cried. I hadn't heard her cry like that in so long and... ya know what it's like? Have you ever heard your parent yell something when you're an adult and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up like you're a little kid? THAT is what it felt like.
Of course, I went to what I went to then and spit out the song posted here: "A Lifetime Away" which I immediately know is a full song, but can't really work it all out and knew I just had to upload it incomplete to document the moment. Something I don't believe I've done in over a decade. Why? BECAUSE MY LIFE IS FUCKING AWESOME and I don't NEED TO anymore. Which then opens up a whole new can of worms:
Is this "Where You Once Belonged"??!?!?! Do I have to have trauma? Am I only able to write when I access a place of devastation?!?! FUCK. The above MINUTE is better than ANYTHING I've produced since making this studio and it happened instantly, almost subconsciously. I clearly know how to capture WILDLY dramatic moods in song. But nothing in my life (except a random phone call apparently) is dramatic. I can't make an album of love songs about an ex-wife because her life happens to be more dramatic, ya know? I mean, Talya is an understanding wife...
...but that's asking a lot, and I don't really even WANT to...
But that right there? That's a song. It's an emotion I have to admit is almost fatherly. That's what I feel with my children. It's a bit of what I felt when I was stuck in Columbus in the snowstorm and couldn't say goodnight to my kids. I wanted to hug and comfort them - but even that is a glaring example of how DEVOID of drama my life is, ya know? ONE FUCKING WEEK away from my children and I'm suddenly angsty and sad. That or an overwhelming phone call from a friend. My actual life? A GODDAMN BREEZE. And one that I don't know how to make into an album. I can't make-up emotion. I'm fat and happy. That ain't a song. That's the end.
Now I'm in the midst of all of this, and we're about to take a long trip back home (PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK SPIRIT AIRLINES DON'T MESS THIS UP) so I'll address this when I get back but I knew this was an entry the moment I sat at the piano. It came out IMMEDIATELY. Goddamn it's magic. I swear, songwriting is magic. If you have the talent to translate emotions into art - the end result feels like an out-of-body experience.
I can't wrap my head around what that means for this documentary, but time will tell.