Have to get all this shit out of my head. Funny what
gets lost in the shuffle. I like Journey entries to be
kinda substantial so I skip over little shit... but
then I still wanna document it, blah blah blah -
that's why they're called randoms. ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNND
Don't keep your
phone by your bed. Just don't. I guess when
you're past the "Drunk dialing" stage of life, you
then get to the "sleep emailing" portion? Funny
enough though, they both come from the same place:
feeling really deep inside you that need to get out,
but whenever you're in your right mind you realize how
stupid they are and you ignore them. Drunk or sleepy?
They make perfect sense...
emailing is a little worse because you may have just
had a dream that SEEMED real, therefore it changes
your entire landscape. So of course I have a
random dream about the meangirl from 2011 where I
attempt to have this long-winded conversation with
her, while all her friends interrupt with their
opinions that have nothing to do with the
conversation. Annoying dream. And one I haven't had in
awhile as in my conscious state I realize narcissism
doesn't listen to reason. In my sub-conscious however
I explain and explain and explain my positions
assuming rationale will make suddenly connect. And
then, as I fall in and out of the dream
I pick up my FUCKING PHONE and send
RE: If you
really don't have....
tape loop as I do and are at peace with everything,
disregard this email.
you'd like some peace I would love to stop having
the long winded conversations I keep having in my
dreams with you. Two years later and clearly my
sub-conscious thinks there's some value in talking
without an audience. If you don't, I
that it's rather succinct for not remembering sending
it. I woke up this morning and told Talya that
I thought I sent an email and was laughing
in embarrassment. Took me several hours to even look
at my sent box. (sigh) She won't respond, again -
actual communication and discussion is kryptonite to
narcissism but I KNOW THAT when I'm
awake. Funny what your sub-conscious focuses on when
you're happy consciously isn't it? That episode 2
years ago is pretty much the last miscommunication
issue of my life. Huh.
Except one of the
"loose ends" I spoke of last year did
contact me and we cleared the air a bit. Unblocked,
shared a couple "very happy for you"s and went about
our lives. And strangely? The long laundry list of
things I wanted to discuss with her all this
time? Seemed completely inconsequential. I looked back
at the last emails years ago and I honestly
already said it. Hell, I had said it for YEARS in
this particular case, but I always took it
personally that she didn't understand. Now? She just
couldn't. Wasn't old enough. She understands a bit
more now, and will understand a bit more later.
<shrugs> There's really nothing left to say.
Once she unblocked me on Facebook and I could see
that she was alright and happy? I was at peace. She
saw the same (although with The Journey, there is no
blocking) and we just shared a few niceties and moved
on. Felt good. Still floored however that I had
nothing to say after all this time. Would probably be
the same thing with the meangirl. I would go to
coffee, sit down, look at her and just shake my head
and apologize for wasting her time. It's all been
said. And not even with emotion or anger, etc. It was
well thought out, well constructed, and within the
moment. Now? It's all hazy and filled with a yearning
to help because you find you have similar backgrounds
as you read her blog. Frighteningly similar actually.
At least that still elicits the urge to help and
communicate with as opposed to anger or fear. Good to
3) Still. Making.
is done with Jimmy's pad and my pad, there's Talya's
studio at her mother's new house to work on. (sigh).
I gotta say, if you're gonna be unemployed, it's
cool to spend all your time investing in things that
will make you money. I mean, if I had a job I'd
just be paying someone to do all these things so it
kind of all evens out. And I get to spend more
time with the munchkin. LIfe is good. In fact, how's
about a video with both of those things...
Ha. Guess this
segues into another random
Kinda. Well, no,
not at all. Don't think she's ready for this yet.
Hasn't the slightest idea what to do with the food
once it's in her mouth. She's like "this is weird,
this shouldn't be here" - spit. :) It's cute and fun
and more than anything it's an exciting new stage to
watch her play around in. Honestly, we just want to
sleep at this point and rumor has it once you
introduce food, it gets more likely. Uhm. Oh
5) So yeah, still
You can read all
the books, you can do all the training, you can read
every tip, you can think you have it perfect and then
you may still have a baby that ain't having it.
<shrugs> In the scheme of things? Who cares.
Talya and I are incredibly lucky to not have 9-5s
that would make this period almost unbearable, so hey
- it's party time at 4:30. We keep trying to train,
keep figuring things out and one night she's gonna
sleep all the way through and we're both gonns jump
out of bed scared out of our fucking minds that she
must be dead. LOL. In our present sleepy haze, that
just seems funny to me.
So I mentioned the
sleeping thing to a friend and he said: "Yeah.
That's exactly why we aren't having kids."
What? Because for
a couple months your sleep gets interrupted you aren't
having KIDS? You think THAT is the sacrifice? You
think THAT is the hard part? Dude, that's the
EASY part. The kid only needs 1 of like 4 things
at this age, you literally can't fuck it up - and
you're worried about your full 8 hours?
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. Thank GOD you think
that's the hard part and that's making you pull out
'cause you would lose your mind when that kid turns 2.
Or 3. Or 4-18. Fuck. That comment blew my mind when he
said it. I mean, awesome he knows he doesn't want to
have kids, but frightening as balls that it's the
first couple of months that is the concern and that if
he just got past that he'd go for it.
Surprised this one
didn't piss off the women from the mysogyny
I wasn't just
talkin' about the dogs. LOL. I mean, it's funny
because it's absurd. When Talya and I have the baby in
bed and the dogs jump on too? Talya makes the
joke: "Adam and his bitches." Duh. It's goofy.
Clearly it's absurd. Lighten up. Then again, maybe
they did because no one got all shitty about the pic.
God it's so true.
It fills you with a joy that is indescribable and
absolutely pure. We're finding however that the moment
she laughs at you? Just means she's tired. LOL. She is
rarely wide awake and starts laughing. She has to be
10 minutes from sleep and about 5 minutes from crying
because she's tired. Fine line between a laugh and a
cry for a woman.
Talya always gets
the best pics of this kid. And that hair - it just
ain't falling out. People kept warning us that she'd
never keep all that hair but it keeps hanging out and
being more and more unruly as time goes on.
I love it. And she just stares at that camera
I mean, what?
LOL. Yes, I know there will be pressure to put
her in front of actual cameras, etc. but it just isn't
going to happen. Sorry. That cannot be her first
feeling of self-worth: being pretty. Can't be, won't
be, have to protect her from that. Pardon anyone else
reading this who I may inadvertently be judging
but if she's that gorgeous, she'll know it later. No
need to instill that it's more important than
everything else she can be now.
Ha. Two faves
right there. Don't even need words.
Melt. Sigh. Love
her more than life. All of those things you know
you're going to feel, yet somehow surprise you when
you feel them.
Love the tongue.
Love how she looks at that thing like it's alive. What
a joy to watch her... and to wash her! After
everything you do with a baby is just an excuse to
look at how adorable they are. I mean look at that
thing she's wearing. How fun is childhood. And she
taken pretty much all day to put this together and
it's time to get ready for DATE NIGHT! Wahoo!
This shouldn't be a random. This should be an entry.
And so it shall be. Next entry on Sunday will be about
how awesome Friday Nights have become for me and Talya
and how utterly important they are. :)