ENTRY #157
YouTube and Feedback links added 02.10.09  
1:00 PM, Wednesday, December 5th, 2001:
What a day. My internet has been down for over 2 days. I'd rather lose ANYTHING but my internet connection. My water, my heat, my cable, tv, videogames...anything. Consequently - this morning is when I finally uploaded the last 2 entries. The past 2 days has been spent uploading it all LONG DISTANCE on a 1.7k connection then find out, I can't email anyone to tell 'em it's up. LOL. Finally this morning, Catnaz gave me a temporary dial-up while my cable modem connection gets figured out. Apparently the company my cable service runs through went out of business, and I could be down for weeks. But I'm up now, and it's amazing the relief I felt when I was finally connected. It's like I got the IV in. So much work to do online right now. Aside from all the 4tvs stuff, Letters to Lennon is goin' pretty crazy with George's death. I need to get all the letters up. But of course today is also the meeting.
I know it's a lunch meeting, so it's either already happened, or is RIGHT freakin' now. I wonder if Charlotte is stakin' out a bunch of restaurants right now...LOL. God, imagine if it was at Callendar's and Jess was still workin' there? God what if it is, and she isn't! Either way, at 1:13 PM I have no idea. Awaiting the call. Oh shit I'm on a dial-up!!!! Guess who can't call!!!! DOH. Hang on.
Ok, no messages. Alright, I have nothing to say. I am now EXPECTING to hear that I got in with all these new developments. So I've basically set myself to be disappointed TWICE. What a mess.
3:48 PM
I've set up the camera like a loser for whenever this call comes. LOL. Already had one nevrvous moment where I thought it was Charlotte on a bad cell phone connection. God wouldn't that just suck. I'm really starting to lose it. It's now most likely been decided. It's all whether or not Alyssa (Aspen judge) decides to call us. Whether Grace Wu decides to call us...or what. I'm sure Charlotte is going nuts as she has all the access to these numbers and places to leave a message. Fuck it, I gotta call Charlotte... Damnit she's not answering!!!! If I can't get ahold of her - how the fuck can anyone else!! Or maybe she knows! Maybe she wants to tell me in person?!?!! FUCK WHY MUST I DO THIS TO MYSELF! WHAT ON EARTH WOULD MY VOCABULARY BE WITHOUT THE WORD "FUCK"?!?!!?
Man how am I gonna start this entry? I just realized that I can't have the conclusion at the very end... Or can I? Would any of you not skip ahead? I want so badly for you all to go through the same shit I'm going through - and not to know while you're reading this. But if it is all over by the end of this day - you'll most assuredly have skipped ahead. I sure as hell would.
Got ahold of Charlotte - she said she couldn't talk she'd call right back. DAMNIT. Man, I cannot think of more intense moments of waiting in my entire life. Man, is this what my life is gonna become? Maybe that's the secret of celebrity. All you do is deal with this shit. EVERY STEP OF YOUR CAREER. Waiting for a call to a call to a call that will finally get to you. Hmmmm... It's strange, for some reason - I don't mind at all that Charlotte knows everything before I do and than relays the info to me. Not sure why that doesn't annoy me - but it doesn't. Knowing me you'd think it would. Hmmm...That's a strange little thing about me I just realized. It's a good thing, 'cause it's not like I could have it any other way really. Ok. I'm done until the call...I hope.
5:59 PM
I'm too mainstream, they want more edgy. End. Of. Story. It's all finally over. Grace Wu was kind enough to call after a loooooooooong meeting that took place in an HBO boardroom. She said she pushed, but they want edgier one man shows for this year's theme at Aspen. Wiped out. Completely deflated. Today I was so, so, so sure it would happen. And then to hear I'm not "edgy". It sucks because 4tvs, and how it all works and what I'm doing - is edgy. The finished product however is just funny. Even though it's pee your pants funny, and an incredible crowd pleaser - it has no real edgy satire to it. The biggest laughs are Spencer coming on to Adam. The only way that is edgy is when you think to yourself (Adam's coming on to himself)...heh. But again - the edginess is WITHIN the show, not on the surface.
So I can't really be upset. Their decision makes sense. The show simply wouldn't fit with what they're trying to accomplish. They keep mentioning next year, and we keep sighing knowing that this will not be performed in a year. So it's now our mission to get every single person who is going to Aspen anyway, to see the show BEFORE the festival and get some offers. As I said in entries previous, this may actually speed up the process a bit. It will be a little harder, and Aspen would've made it smoooooooth...but somehow things in my life always come together.
Anyway, I am incredibly bummed. I am tired, and hungry - it's 6:30 PM, and I haven't even thought of eating yet today. Shit, I can tell myself there's nothing I could've done - but it still wipes me out emotionally. That's just how disappointments go. You can't ignore disappointments. You can't cover them up. You can't move on right away. You gotta revel in it a little - you gotta sing the blues for a bit. It's the only way I can truly move on. Gotta be bummed and play Tom Waits albums. And pretty soon I'm gonna have to do the Cameron openings for the Christmas Show here at the apartment complex and Largo at which point I begin to move on.
Damnit, I just realized something. Last year in December I did a video. Called it a dozen shots and a dozen dreams. I may have mentioned this before...anyway - this December was gonna be the incredible turn around. And although it still is - what a tremendous one it would've been with Aspen coming. Ahh well - maybe before the new year hits there'll be something new to cheer about. But I have a feeling this year is gonna end roughly bittersweet.
For you masochists... here's the reaction to the call.
original video file