ENTRY #125
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That's the best title I've ever written...
...DAMNIT, there I go again.
7:22 PM, Sunday, June 10th, 2001:
I've written this !#@*% ENTRY about 10 times, over the last 10 days, and every time I start over because of reservations on how I'll be "perceived". For the first time in my LIFE, my true feelings seem to be too much to share. Those of you who have read "Palaur" must find that rather amusing. But realize, I was able to look at "Palaur" as a whole - WHEN IT WAS DONE - and make the decision to post it. That luxury doesn't exist with "The Journey", nor should it. The charm in these entries is it's how I feel at the moment life happens. It is very real, and very open-ended. You think you wanna know what the next entry holds? Well you can't POSSIBLY wanna know as bad as ME.
In order to keep this all going though, I have to be open and honest. "The Journey" doesn't work if I hold back my feelings. The second I start becoming vague about what I think, or worry about what you think of me, you might as well quit reading and wait for the A&E special. Heh, ever notice that about the "Biography" type shows? Charlotte and I were talking about this the other day...they always skip the transition. They show all the baby pictures, funny home movies and bad haircuts - and we relate to that. We all have 'em. Then they show the person we know: the celebrity. The transition is MAGIC. It's a complete UNKOWN. It's a secret. If you really concentrate, you'll see that they always mask it with an event. The break-out movie, the huge record, the big TV series. So you at home go: "Ahhh, yes, Moonlighting...and then he became Bruce Willis." But if you notice, he is immediately BRUCE WILLIS. HUH? Wait, wait - you're skippin' somethin'. And I think for the first time I know why.
It's the same reason no one has ever done a LIVE "journey". It's painful. It's embarrasing. It's humiliating. It's plain DIFFICULT. That's why AFTER you've made it you go back and write the book the way you'd LIKE people to remember it: not how it really was. Well 125 entries ago I said I was gonna do this, and I'm not gonna stop now just because I see myself changing in a way that I don't like. I am changing, and I'm dealing with that change. Hell, it'll make the story interesting: Good ol' character development. Here goes.
I looked up a week ago, and realized I was not the same person I was a few months ago - hell even a few DAYS ago. It was a strange mix of things that stirred up inside me...that on their own, were nothing I hadn't had before - but together put me one step closer to being...Adam the celebrity, not Adam the guy.
Now that was a run-on sentence. HUH?!?!?!
I guess I always assumed that I wouldn't see it coming. I always thought I would kill myself and kill myself and then something would "break", much in the way you break a glass, and life would be different. There'd be money out of nowhere...a lifestyle you're unaccustomed to, and a bit of a whirlwind. I was wrong, it's quite different. You can see this coming a mile (or less than a year) away. It couldn't be more obvious. And after the past week, it isn't even a question anymore.
Forget feeling like I can't lose anymore, this isn't even a fair fight. Who's even THOUGHT of doing this, let alone pull it off? I don't have the feeling after seeing other acts: "Damn, I'm really gonna have to raise my shit a few notches to make an impression here..." - I'm in the big ass pond, and the competition isn't scaring me....and on top of all that: I HAVE raised my shit a few notches. 4tvs went from needing a "Charlotte" to see the potential...to being so "knock-you-over-the-head" impressive that I don't feel there will be ANYONE in this industry that doesn't leave the show wanting to be a part of this. I'm so confident about that fact, that I've actually stopped worrying so much. This will be completed, this will be performed, and this will lead to a bunch of money. It is no longer a hope. It is no longer my wish. It is my reality, and the sooner I realize that - the sooner I can MOVE ON and put things in perspective.
Ahem, ok...that last paragraph was what I've been having a hard time swallowing. I picture anyone reading that going: "DUDE, get over yourself". Well, I have NO defense for those sentiments. I feel that last paragraph to my core. I think the Trinitrons is so FUCKING cool, on SO many levels - that my arrogance SHINES through. LOL. There is no question in my mind that I will be signing a contract in less than a year.
Now it's never been a question for Charlotte, as she's constantly stressing what we do "once" we get there as opposed to simply HOW to get there. She has a million stories (ok, just 2 - but there are millions), of people getting development deals then blowing it. They get starry eyed at the first bit of money, they don't stay hungry - and they aren't prepared. They have nothing ready for the network they sign with, and basically have to take what they give 'em in terms of show ideas. Which most times will turn up to be nothing, and then you've just wasted the opportunity. So it's always been stressed to build this the RIGHT way, and make sure when I'm "within" that 2-3 year development window with the network, we've already been writing the bible (the meat of a show...storylines, background etc.) and a pilot - and can jump in on the "Creating" aspect as opposed to just being the "talent" waiting for his part.
But all my confidence and arrogance still gets a bit shaky when you throw numbers at me. Simply put, when you start about the "small" development deal money in the fractions of millions (and not ludicrous fractions like 1/37th)...then you've already lost me. I'm already putting that in "fantasy" category. $250,000 isn't money to me, it's a rap video. BLING BLING. It's 2 questions away from REGIS' WHITE TEETH AND BALLOONS. IT AIN'T REAL. But all the sudden it is. I'm changing, drastically. I actually feel like I've already got the development deal and I've been writing for the network and we're about to shoot a pilot. I mean how the hell can I go to Melrose Ave in Hollywood and try on leather pants, and pimp suits and BONO glasses - and not feel famous? I mean, Charlotte is fronting this money because she knows it's coming back to her - so I'm basically spending my "development deal" money. It's such a strange feeling...rather stressful really - and WHY?
...because Jess and I are struggling like CRAZY to pay our bills. We got royally screwed by our insurance company and can't get them to refund us money they owe us...as well Sony still hasn't paid us back the $800 they owe us for a returned computer last AUGUST. So many zeroes in debt right now. It's actually worse then it was last year financially. So it's this strange paradox. It's like winning the lottery and having to wait 6 months to get the money...but I know this is temporary. I know it like I'm writing a book, and have CHOSEN to have it end that way.
I FEEL SO FREAKING FULL OF MYSELF! Maybe it's this journey shit. The act of writing a journal for others to read is quite arrogant. What am I talking about...like it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that my act involves FIVE OF ME. HAHAHA. (sigh). Ok, I'm an ego-centric prick.
You know I should just accept it. You need to be arrogant in this town. I just can't become an asshole. I need to treat everyone with respect and stay the person I've been my whole life. I just gotta pray no one asks me about my career - because I can't describe it anymore without being egotistical to a fault. LOL. So if you ask me and I say: "You know, it's goin' really good." - shake your head and PLEASE tell me how your life is. Because I'm MUCH more interested in that - I think about myself WAY too much as it is.
Man, there was life before 4tvs wasn't there...
It was all REALLY just a passing thought I had at a Brian Setzer concert on November 3rd, 1998 - and now it's about to be all this. Mind-boggling.
If that isn't inspiration to NOT let those great ideas pass, I don't know what is...
(The Trinitrons begin shooting in 5 days!!!)
OH yeah! The video... I was trying to figure out what type of video would actually "correspond" with this entry, but I figured a video of my big DICK was inappropriate.
So here's Mario saying "hi" to you from E3 last month. Much better.
original video file
JUNE 2001