I've written this
!#@*% ENTRY about 10 times, over the last 10
days, and every time I start over because of
reservations on how I'll be "perceived". For the first
time in my LIFE, my true feelings seem to be too much
to share. Those of you who have read "Palaur" must
find that rather amusing. But realize, I was able to
look at "Palaur" as a whole -
WHEN IT WAS DONE - and make the
decision to post it. That luxury doesn't exist with
"The Journey", nor should it. The charm in these
entries is it's how I feel at the moment life
happens. It is very real, and very open-ended. You
think you wanna know what the next entry holds? Well
you can't POSSIBLY wanna know as bad as
ME.
In order to keep
this all going though, I have to be open and
honest. "The Journey" doesn't work if I hold back my
feelings. The second I start becoming vague about what
I think, or worry about what you think of me, you
might as well quit reading and wait for the A&E
special. Heh, ever notice that about the "Biography"
type shows? Charlotte and I were talking about this
the other day...they always skip the transition. They
show all the baby pictures, funny home movies and bad
haircuts - and we relate to that. We all have 'em.
Then they show the person we know: the celebrity. The
transition is MAGIC. It's a complete UNKOWN. It's a
secret. If you really concentrate, you'll see that
they always mask it with an event. The break-out
movie, the huge record, the big TV series. So you
at home go: "Ahhh, yes, Moonlighting...and then he
became Bruce Willis." But if you notice, he is
immediately BRUCE WILLIS. HUH? Wait, wait -
you're skippin' somethin'. And I think for the
first time I know why.
It's the same
reason no one has ever done a LIVE "journey". It's
painful. It's embarrasing. It's humiliating. It's
plain DIFFICULT. That's why AFTER you've made it you
go back and write the book the way you'd
LIKE people to remember it: not how it really
was. Well 125 entries ago I said I was gonna do this,
and I'm not gonna stop now just because I see myself
changing in a way that I don't like. I am
changing, and I'm dealing with that change. Hell,
it'll make the story interesting: Good ol' character
development. Here goes.
I looked up a week
ago, and realized I was not the same person I was a
few months ago - hell even a few DAYS ago. It was a
strange mix of things that stirred up inside me...that
on their own, were nothing I hadn't had before - but
together put me one step closer to being...Adam the
celebrity, not Adam the guy.
Now that was a
run-on sentence. HUH?!?!?!
I guess I always
assumed that I wouldn't see it coming. I always
thought I would kill myself and kill myself and
then something would "break", much in the way you
break a glass, and life would be different. There'd be
money out of nowhere...a lifestyle you're unaccustomed
to, and a bit of a whirlwind.
I was wrong, it's
quite different. You can see this coming a mile (or
less than a year) away. It couldn't be more obvious.
And after the past week, it isn't even a question
anymore.
Forget feeling
like I can't lose anymore, this isn't even a fair
fight. Who's even THOUGHT of doing this, let
alone pull it off? I don't have the feeling after
seeing other acts: "Damn, I'm really gonna have to
raise my shit a few notches to make an impression
here..." - I'm in the big ass pond, and the
competition isn't scaring me....and on top of all
that: I HAVE
raised my shit a few
notches. 4tvs
went from needing a "Charlotte" to see the
potential...to being so "knock-you-over-the-head"
impressive that I don't feel there will be
ANYONE
in this industry that doesn't leave the show wanting
to be a part of this. I'm so confident about that
fact, that I've actually stopped worrying so much.
This will be completed, this will be performed, and
this will lead to a bunch of money. It is no longer a
hope. It is no longer my wish. It is my reality, and
the sooner I realize that - the sooner I can
MOVE ON and put things in
perspective.
Ahem, ok...that
last paragraph was what I've been having a hard time
swallowing. I picture anyone reading that going:
"DUDE, get over yourself". Well, I have
NO defense for those sentiments. I feel that last
paragraph to my core. I think the Trinitrons is so
FUCKING cool, on SO many levels - that my
arrogance SHINES through. LOL. There is no question in
my mind that I will be signing a contract in less than
a year.
Now it's never
been a question for Charlotte, as she's constantly
stressing what we do "once" we get there as opposed to
simply HOW to get there. She has a million
stories (ok, just 2 - but there are millions), of
people getting development deals then blowing it. They
get starry eyed at the first bit of money, they don't
stay hungry - and they aren't prepared. They have
nothing ready for the network they sign with, and
basically have to take what they give 'em in terms of
show ideas. Which most times will turn up to be
nothing, and then you've just wasted the opportunity.
So it's always been stressed to build this the
RIGHT way, and make sure when I'm "within" that
2-3 year development window with the network, we've
already been writing the bible (the meat of a
show...storylines, background etc.) and a pilot - and
can jump in on the "Creating" aspect as opposed to
just being the "talent" waiting for his
part.
But all my
confidence and arrogance still gets a bit shaky when
you throw numbers at me. Simply put, when you start
about the "small" development deal money in the
fractions of millions (and not ludicrous fractions
like 1/37th)...then you've already lost me. I'm
already putting that in "fantasy" category. $250,000
isn't money to me, it's a rap video. BLING BLING.
It's 2 questions away from REGIS' WHITE TEETH
AND BALLOONS. IT AIN'T REAL. But all
the sudden it is. I'm changing, drastically. I
actually feel like I've already got the development
deal and I've been writing for the network and we're
about to shoot a pilot. I mean how the hell can
I go to Melrose Ave in Hollywood and try on
leather pants, and pimp suits and BONO glasses -
and not feel famous? I mean, Charlotte is fronting
this money because she knows it's coming back to her -
so I'm basically spending my "development deal" money.
It's such a strange feeling...rather stressful really
- and WHY?
...because Jess
and I are struggling like CRAZY to pay our bills.
We got royally screwed by our insurance company and
can't get them to refund us money they owe us...as
well Sony still hasn't paid us back the $800 they owe
us for a returned computer last AUGUST. So many zeroes
in debt right now. It's actually worse then it was
last year financially. So it's this strange paradox.
It's like winning the lottery and having to wait 6
months to get the money...but I know this is
temporary. I know it like I'm writing a book, and have
CHOSEN to have it end that way.
I FEEL SO FREAKING FULL OF MYSELF!
Maybe it's this journey shit. The act of writing a
journal for others to read is quite arrogant. What am
I talking about...like it doesn't have anything to do
with the fact that my act involves
FIVE OF ME. HAHAHA. (sigh). Ok, I'm an
ego-centric prick.
You know I should
just accept it. You need to be arrogant in this town.
I just can't become an asshole. I need to treat
everyone with respect and stay the person I've been my
whole life. I just gotta pray no one asks me
about my career - because I can't describe it anymore
without being egotistical to a fault. LOL. So if you
ask me and I say: "You know, it's goin' really good."
- shake your head and PLEASE tell me how your life is.
Because I'm MUCH more interested in that - I think
about myself WAY too much as it is.
Man, there was
life before 4tvs wasn't there...
It was all REALLY
just a passing thought I had at a Brian Setzer
concert on November 3rd, 1998 - and now it's about to
be all this. Mind-boggling.
If that isn't
inspiration to NOT let those great ideas pass, I don't
know what is...
(The
Trinitrons begin shooting in 5
days!!!)
Adam
OH
yeah! The video... I was trying to figure
out what type of video would actually
"correspond" with this entry, but
I figured a video of my big DICK was
inappropriate.
