Not to offend
anyone with my blatant regard for proper speech, but
goddamn I love Jessica. I just do. I tell her all the
time, but I don't seem to mention it very often in the
entries. She's just such a major part of this
"journey", and it sickens me I've talked more about
Marty than her.
Amazing, amazing
woman. What she's had to overcome to simply be with me
is outstanding. The effort she's had to put into a
dream that isn't even her own, is mind-boggling. And
the fact that she's had to do this with absolutely NO
support from ANYONE except me, is reason enough to
shower her with praise. I won't even say I don't
"think" I could do what she's done, I KNOW I couldn't.
She's my absolute best friend in the world, and I
still get excited about the prospect of spending time
with her. It goes well beyond love, into a "team"
mentality, and a "oneness" that consistently gets
stronger. I've shared EVERYTHING with this woman. Heh,
everything.
It's funny, though
she tries not to show it, I know she's bummed
I don't write "palaur" type songs about her.
Though since she's a writer too, she realizes that
when life is great - good art rarely follows. Though I
may have pulled one off...
When the whole
"money" aspect of the recent events hit home, it
became clear that Jess's ultimate dream of having
children wasn't as far-off as we had previously
thought. Not to say it isn't my ultimate dream, but I
have quite a few I need to begin before that one. For
Jess, it's really all she's ever wanted. I started
being able to see the day when I could go to Jessica,
and say "we're there...it's time". Take a deep breath
honey, because we can do this now. It's about the only
thing I could do to show her how much I appreciate all
she's sacrificed for me. That day is not here now. It
is still years off. But it's attainable in the blink
of an eye. And for quite some time now, that has been
a concern for me.
I never mentioned
this before, but awhile back I felt it was unfair
to kepp Jess hanging on all this. I felt I needed
to give her a date to look forward to. A date in which
I'd make my career take a backseat and look for
financial stability to raise a family. We had pointed
to August 2003, and she was fine with that. In my head
of course I began thinking: "Can I really do
this?". I guess if we're in the same financial
situation we are now in 2 1/2 years, I'd be willing to
change some things. But I'm not sure if it's in my
nature to be able to NOT achieve this. I've never
failed at anything in my life. Ever. I'm the guy who
will push and push and push until it happens. There's
many people like that in the world, and unfortunately
they're the ones that lose relationship after
relationship because they're so focused. I know
if I had to choose one, I would choose her...but
would she like who she's getting once I've chosen? I'd
venture to say, you wouldn't want to be around me if I
was back in radio in Columbus. Trust me.
But after these
past couple of weeks, it has become apparent that
that's not gonna happen. We will have both. The weight
it takes off my shoulders is tremendous, and again,
that's when I finally was able to realize "the
day" was coming. The day when we could breathe deep
and know we've secured a shared dream - not just mine.
A song was quite quick in coming...finished up the
lyrics a few days later, and today finished the video.
I've been in a "Trinitrons" writing funk, so it was a
nice creative way to get my juices flowing
again.
I find it funny
that the entry after I admit "Evolutionary
Extinction", I go right back to writing a personal
song and performing a video for the site. I can
say it all I want, but that won't keep me from
thinking in the back of my head I'll do both. And
maybe that's all I'll ever be. An internet
singer/songwriter. There's the possibility of other
people singing my songs...but as is the case here: I
write so personal and specific. The words are vague
enough that it could pertain to anyone's situation,
but it means something so personal. And I sound good
singing it...ya know? The thought that an exec would
hear a song, and want to give it to another artist
before developing me just makes my skin crawl...but
right now it's the path I've chosen. Hey, anything's
possible. Follow your heart, and see what happens. I
can always write and post the music on my site, but
the "national spotlight" on my talents will revolve
around comedy. (sigh). I still believe comic-timing is
harder than writing a ballad. My GOD, what a
disjointed couple of sentences that was.
LOL.
So
Jessica, I give this song to you.
It's not time yet, but it's a tiny look
into what lies ahead. We will watch this
video in the very near future. For now, we
can just pretend that the future is now.
Breathe
Deep.
