ENTRY #112
YouTube and Feedback links added 02.13.09
1:19 PM, Sunday, March 4th, 2001:
Not to offend anyone with my blatant regard for proper speech, but goddamn I love Jessica. I just do. I tell her all the time, but I don't seem to mention it very often in the entries. She's just such a major part of this "journey", and it sickens me I've talked more about Marty than her.
Amazing, amazing woman. What she's had to overcome to simply be with me is outstanding. The effort she's had to put into a dream that isn't even her own, is mind-boggling. And the fact that she's had to do this with absolutely NO support from ANYONE except me, is reason enough to shower her with praise. I won't even say I don't "think" I could do what she's done, I KNOW I couldn't. She's my absolute best friend in the world, and I still get excited about the prospect of spending time with her. It goes well beyond love, into a "team" mentality, and a "oneness" that consistently gets stronger. I've shared EVERYTHING with this woman. Heh, everything.
It's funny, though she tries not to show it, I know she's bummed I don't write "palaur" type songs about her. Though since she's a writer too, she realizes that when life is great - good art rarely follows. Though I may have pulled one off...
When the whole "money" aspect of the recent events hit home, it became clear that Jess's ultimate dream of having children wasn't as far-off as we had previously thought. Not to say it isn't my ultimate dream, but I have quite a few I need to begin before that one. For Jess, it's really all she's ever wanted. I started being able to see the day when I could go to Jessica, and say "we're there...it's time". Take a deep breath honey, because we can do this now. It's about the only thing I could do to show her how much I appreciate all she's sacrificed for me. That day is not here now. It is still years off. But it's attainable in the blink of an eye. And for quite some time now, that has been a concern for me.
I never mentioned this before, but awhile back I felt it was unfair to kepp Jess hanging on all this. I felt I needed to give her a date to look forward to. A date in which I'd make my career take a backseat and look for financial stability to raise a family. We had pointed to August 2003, and she was fine with that. In my head of course I began thinking: "Can I really do this?". I guess if we're in the same financial situation we are now in 2 1/2 years, I'd be willing to change some things. But I'm not sure if it's in my nature to be able to NOT achieve this. I've never failed at anything in my life. Ever. I'm the guy who will push and push and push until it happens. There's many people like that in the world, and unfortunately they're the ones that lose relationship after relationship because they're so focused. I know if I had to choose one, I would choose her...but would she like who she's getting once I've chosen? I'd venture to say, you wouldn't want to be around me if I was back in radio in Columbus. Trust me.
But after these past couple of weeks, it has become apparent that that's not gonna happen. We will have both. The weight it takes off my shoulders is tremendous, and again, that's when I finally was able to realize "the day" was coming. The day when we could breathe deep and know we've secured a shared dream - not just mine. A song was quite quick in coming...finished up the lyrics a few days later, and today finished the video. I've been in a "Trinitrons" writing funk, so it was a nice creative way to get my juices flowing again.
I find it funny that the entry after I admit "Evolutionary Extinction", I go right back to writing a personal song and performing a video for the site. I can say it all I want, but that won't keep me from thinking in the back of my head I'll do both. And maybe that's all I'll ever be. An internet singer/songwriter. There's the possibility of other people singing my songs...but as is the case here: I write so personal and specific. The words are vague enough that it could pertain to anyone's situation, but it means something so personal. And I sound good singing it...ya know? The thought that an exec would hear a song, and want to give it to another artist before developing me just makes my skin crawl...but right now it's the path I've chosen. Hey, anything's possible. Follow your heart, and see what happens. I can always write and post the music on my site, but the "national spotlight" on my talents will revolve around comedy. (sigh). I still believe comic-timing is harder than writing a ballad. My GOD, what a disjointed couple of sentences that was. LOL.
So Jessica, I give this song to you. It's not time yet, but it's a tiny look into what lies ahead. We will watch this video in the very near future. For now, we can just pretend that the future is now. Breathe Deep.
original video file
MARCH 2001