ENTRY #102
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Entry #5
4:01 PM - Friday, January 7th, 2000
Marty MOOSE has to go back to Columbus.
Entry #102
4:01 PM - Sunday, January 7th, 2001
Marty MOOSE has to go back to Columbus.
In an unreasonable show of irony, Marty goes back home the EXACT same day he did last year. I'm truly struggling with the words to describe my feelings here. Completely disappointed. In fact for the first time, I'm probably not gonna speak my true feelings here. Marty is a good friend and I'm taking this very personally. I'm not sure marty can even understand how I feel.
His biggest reason is that it's just too enticing financially to go back to Columbus. He got his old job at Speedway back, and can net more money in Columbus than he can in LA. That's really it. He's not even unhappy. Begs the question: "Why did you come out here?" - but again, I need to back away here and let things fall into place. I put way too much stock in others sometimes, and then get hurt when things fall through.
As well, apparently Paddy called me pre-maturely about The Tick. He said we were in, but apparently that isn't the case. The new assistant directors apparently brought their own people/ Paddy seemed to know this was possible, but didn't pass that along to me...
The title of this entry I guess now is self explanatory. I just can't believe people sometimes. People live for the moment it seems. They say things for the immediate gratification, and then expect you not to care when it all falls through in a week or a month. They just want the opportunity to have the big news, or look like "the shit". It's the motto of LA.
Then again, I consistently put my trust in people. I always assume they're not talking shit. I assume they've thought it through. I assume if there was a catch they'd tell me. "Adam we're on the list, but it could still be changed at any moment." Much different than "we're in".
I want so badly to associate myself with determined, intelligent people. Accountable people. Goddamn accountability is impossible.
Does Moose even fit into this? I'm rambling. OOOH! Good example.
Any of you read Palaur? Well do it, because here's how I feel:
Laura and I were driving around during one of our on times. She knew she was leaving Pat, and was excited aout life. We were in the neighborhood of my grandparents, and I stopped to introduce her to them. Madly in love, so proud of her. They happened to not be at home. It ended up that Laura was full of it, and everything fell through. The embarrassment I would've felt had they met her is unmeasureable. I value my credibility. And I want others to also...
So when I share things as fact, or take someone's word for it - and write it off as truth, then moments later to have to say: "oops, nevermind..." THAT PISSES ME OFF. I am somewhat responsible for that. It makes me want to completely disassociate with anyone who does that to me. Even if it's unintentional.
Marty certainly didn't intend to come out here for 6 weeks and go home, but that's what happened. And it didn't happen because he couldn't afford it, but because he could make a bit more money back in Gahanna. They spent over $5000 just moving out, staying for a month, and moving back. $5000. A teeny bit of preperation could've solved everything, but he just wants the LUXURY of working at speedway and getting to eat a free slurpee whenever he wants. That's it. If he wanted to make it work, he could. I sit and think of all the people that supported him back in Gahanna and gave him a big going away party. They should be just as pissed as me. It's like crying wolf. Especially since this happened a year ago.
Then again, am I completely irrational? Am I completely off-base here? What would you do? I am over-analytical to a fault, but I'm analyzing feelings here. I'm not making these up. I'm just trying to figure out why the hell I'm so PISSED OFF.
Accountability is a big issue. I dealt with it all the time with friends back home. Leon Kerber. The most immensely talented man I have ever met. Could sing, write, play multiple instruments...could smoke pot for months on end and never get off the couch. (sigh) - For years I tried to help him and push him to make something of these talents. In fact he's one of the reasons 4tvs was even thought of. The only time I ever found someone with the talent to maybe consider doing a joint project with, all he cared about was doing a joint. With 4tvs I never had to worry about anyone else being accountable. AND GODDAMNIT:
When I created the new set-up for 4tvs I made it adament to Marty that this redesign was dependent on him being there. "Of course, my work knows about all your shows..I WILL BE THERE"
Then he calls me up on new year's day and just says he's goin' back to Columbus. I go to his place and he isn't even upset about it. Excited about going back to speedway and making enough money to go out to eat and play pool.
I guess I just want so badly to NOT disassociate myself with Marty. I like Marty, but now it seems he'll be nothing more than a guy who hung out at The Late Show for a year of my life......
I'm also afraid many of you will think I'm mad just because he isn't here supporting me. That couldn't be further from the truth. I just want someone to depend on. Both Jess and I feel that way. We have each other of course. Thank God for that, but can anyone show up on time? Can anyone do anything they say they're gonna do? FOLLOW THROUGH EVEN WHEN IT GETS HARD. Does anyone care about that?
Bottom line: I love ya like a brother Marty. I wish only the best for you, and I'm sorry I'm ranting so damn much - I'm just hurt. And Paddy, you don't have to be "LA" with me. Tell it like it is. If everything you're involved in falls to shit in a month, it's no big deal. You don't need to talk it up. And for christ sake if something isn't final - please say that. It makes us both look moronic.
Goddamnit 2001. This blows. Got a song out of it though. Catchy tune...pissy adam...and take it with a grain of salt Marty - this is in no way a "Ordinary Marty" song...just stuck in my head. TALKIN SHIT.
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