"I find
I'm so excited I can barely sit still to hold a
thought in my head.
I think
it's the excitement only a free man can feel.
A free man
at the start of a long journey, whose conclusion is
uncertain."
Today:
"I find
I'm so exhausted I can barely sit still without "the
fight" in my head.
I think
it's the exhaustion only a beaten man can
feel.
A beaten
man in the midst of a long journey, whose conclusion
is uncertain."
All I can say
about those two quotes is...at least the end is the
same. The conclusion is still uncertain. That means
I'm still here, I'm still fighting, and part of me
(somewhere) still believes. With that, all things are
possible. But the fact remains the same: I am a beaten
man right now. This year absolutely devastated me. And
I can't tell you all how happy it makes me feel to
know this is the LAST TIME I have to look at this
GOD AWFUL GREEN background.
Looking back on
the year, and especially the last few days - I'm
realizing that "The Journey" itself has played an
enormous role in my success/failure out here. It's
more apparent every day why no one has ever attempted
to chronicle life in such a fashion. So open, so
public, and so honest. In an effort to show people an
insight to my mind while on this "road", I've left
myself open for so much. No matter how stupid or
"psycho" the slashing tires is, it's most definitely
tied to something within these entries. Anyone reading
these entries realizes I did nothing aggressively,
only to defend my position when things were made
public - but that's neither here nor there now. People
don't ever actually READ the entries. They get emailed
certain entries. With no context - you can add your
own.
Jess went up to
feed Kerry's cat last night and someone tried to come
in after her. Thank God she locked it right behind
her. Jess called me and asked if I had just tried to
come up and when I said no, we both got a little
freaked out. I grabbed a bat and came up. Saw that
Jess was alright, I was still pissed though.
I decided to knock on the closest door (11:30 at
night) and asked the person if they had just tried to
open "that door" as I pointed behind me. "What door?"
was the reply. (sigh) There's only one other door in
the entire hallway. It was one of those
"anger" moments where your vision is just a bit
blurry. I'm just glad I had decided to put the bat
OUT of sight before I knocked on the door.
He said he was on the internet and hadn't moved. His
wife/girlfriend (no offense to you, I simply
don't know) was asleep and was just then coming to the
door. The confrontation grew even more interesting as
he told me someone in the apartment was emailing this
guy my entries trying to fan the flames higher. All of
this would be a nice little detective story, had
someone not just tried to come after Jess. With that
variable my survival instinct beats stronger than
anything I've ever felt.
I ended up staying
awake until 4 AM with a bat in my hand wondering the
apartment complex, and "thinking". I only did this for
about 30 minutes as I realized the sight of this would
only add to the "gossip". My feeling is simple:
protect my wife. Period. Apartments are a dime a
dozen. I could give two shits about moving if it's in
an effort to protect Jessica. The thought that
something in this "Journey" led to what happened
sickens me. I thought about simply locking every entry
and giving them only to people in Columbus. It's still
a possibility. I just feel no matter what it will
always be found. Someone will sell me out.
LOL.
I could just never
speak of personal things again as well. Therein lies
the rub of course. This whole incident is effecting me
greatly right now. The tires being slashed, the stamps
being ripped off, the incident a few nights ago...it
is a form of terror indeed. The paranoid helplessness
you feel does indeed wear on you. So I say nothing?
That's the whole point of this chronicle. Readers see
and feel the struggle. This is the kind of shit that
can wear you down. It explains the above quote. I am
worn down. On top of all the shit I've dealt with this
year, you gotta throw this apartment bullshit
in?
More than the
physical threat, the person fanning the flames makes
my blood boil. This is someone who simply wants me
out, and is happy to help. And you know what man? I'll
leave! LOL. Why the hell do you think I would
stay? Scare my wife? Try to come in after her in the
middle of the night? And why? When you look at the
whole history of The Journey, the 2 things I did
publically to deserve this is A) gave a movie online a
3 out of 5 saying the direction was poor (in which the
editor was offended) and B) not shake
"soiree-thrower's hand after he slammed my door. In
which in a drunken rage he systematically lied to 20
people in the complex telling stories while I was
gone. Of course it makes sense that someone should try
to come in after Jessica in the middle of the night
while she's alone when I've been SUUUUCH an asshole.
Of course.
I believe it has
more to do with the "marijuana guilds" in this
apartment complex than anything. I've seen 2 complete
enemies (and rightly so) hang out with each other, and
lie straight to their faces simply because someone has
a bag. Welcome to highschool. Anyway, to all those
reading - "You win". Jess and I will be moving. It's
not even getting a second thought honestly. I won't be
terrorized. I look forward to finding a new place and
starting over. The old addage proves true: Slash 5
tires, steal a spare, fan the flames, try to come in
after my WIFE at midnight generally frighten people -
and they'll move. LOL. You could say this is the price
of "The Journey", but that's just bullshit. The
Journey is not responsible for crazy
people.
Anyway, onto the
year that was:
Man how do you wax
poetic about this year? That's all I did
ALL YEAR. Wax, whine, moan - bitch, cry, sing
BLAHHHHHHHhh. Believe me, I was JUST as annoyed with
me this year as you all were. In an effort to keep it
"real", I just whined all the time. LOL. Everything
pre-June was legitimate. I should've gone to a
hospital. I really needed to be taken somewhere as I
was completely fucked up. The thoughts I had are
completely baffling to me now. Never have I allowed
someone to instill such immense self-doubt...the
effect for which still lingers. Nothing but success
will ever end that.
More than anything
- as i said above - I'm BEAT DOWN. I am so
drained. Every day seems like a test to beat me. I'm
so depressed about my career/failing jessica/life in
general, I finally get up and my tires are slashed.
You know? It's all a test. And for once in my life I
can truly appreciate: "What doesn't kill you,
makes you stronger". I think you have to be pretty
damn low to truly understand what that line means.
It's a nice cliche about minor struggles in life, but
when you get past a 2002 like I did, you FEEL
that line.
It's
truly a year I want to forget. That
made the year-end video REALLY fun.
How do you make a video encompassing a
year of SHIT? Creatively
I guess. But it's over. Thank
GOD it's over. Hell I'm just done
talking about it. I don't want to think
anymore about my final living palindrome
year. Heh. Maybe I'll live to the ripe old
age of 137. I'm so bizarre. I even ramble
like a freak. Palindrome
year?!?!
