ENTRY #228
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
6:48 PM, Thursday, December 19th, 2002:
I completely expected to wake up this morning to the sounds of J-Dog. It was a year ago today that he found his way back from somewhere after 4 1/2 Months. Of course it wasn't the case. I swear I've had more dreams about finding J-Dog in the past few months... What's worse is I know in reality - it wouldn't be the greatest thing if he came back. He couldn't stay here...we'd be in a rut again, but I just feel so goddamn responsible for him. I've had him in my control since he was 6 weeks. Way too young. He's been with me since early 1996 - and now he's just gone. And I'm the one who dropped his ass off at some strange place, and then stopped comin' around for 2 weeks cause I was on vacation. (sigh). This will stick with me for awhile.
To add to the fun, I was COMPLETELY taken off-guard a few nights ago while perusing through old tapes. I found one of my WTVN signings and all the sudden - BOOM. Nana, my grandmother who passed away in 2000. It was strange I could feel it building. She wasn't there right away, and then I started to feel something and BOOM - she came on-screen and I lost it. Mainly because I was certain there was no video of her. I searched forever in 2000 and found nothing but a short little 1 second clip. I had already resigned to the fact that there was no moving pictures of her. Man emotional reactions are so strange. We think we're in control you know? It hit me like a baseball bat. I was weeping in seconds. That's what happens when you push shit out of your head for years. When shit is just too painful to deal with it catches up on you. As you may remember, I wasn't told my grandmother was sick until a few weeks before she died. Apparently in an attempt to "make it easier on the boys" (my uncle and I are only 3 1/2 years apart and were both raised by my mom and grandmother). Well of course the opposite occured. We were both blindsided and had zero time to let it sink in. By the time it did, she was already gone - and then it was just too fucking painful to think about. It's the opposite of how I deal with everything in my life, but with this, I wasn't given the choice. Ugh.
Uhm. Had a show Sunday. LOL. It's an afterthought now. I have to move onto another show. 'Cause everyone loves The Trinitrons so much, and tells me I'm gonna be super-famous in a matter of weeks after they see it, and at this point - I know it all means shit. So I can't even enjoy the compliments 'cause in my head I'm thinking "Whatever, you have nooooooooo idea...". Of course it still makes me feel good that people like it. But damnit they're right. This SHOULD get me where I need to be, but it doesn't.
So the night is a mix of happiness and frustration...which in the end just leads to more depression about the whole thing. Working on #2 wil fix that though. Paddy gave me a good idea about #2, and I'm really close to poundin' out the script in a weekend. I have a feeling this will come much quicker (even with rewrites) than the absolute hell that was 2001. I should've known right then...
But anyway, the show went great, it was fun to set up everything after so long. I pretty much believe that was the last Trinitrons Show until the sequel.
Still no "decline" from Aspen, although it obviously is. As I've said before, I now understand why it was idiotic to think that show was right for Aspen. It isn't. "The Journey" may be, but certainly not The Trinitrons or even part 2. Hell the only reason I'm making T2 (heh) is because it will be quality. I see absolutely no way that it helps my career, but it will be something I'm proud of. Gotta remember that in the long run it's all tha to cunts. <-----wow. Is that an amazing typo or what? All that counts. Classic.
Headin' up on the end of the year. Amazingly with the same amount of entries as last year. How that can be is beyond me. The entries this year have sucked more than ever. I mean seriously, how many different ways can you bitch and moan? Hmm, about 65. Of course this means I have to somehow make a year-end video. I swear this is an absolute impossibility. I usually pick about 12 big events and do the nice slow-motion "Gladiator song thingee", but don't see how that's gonna be possible. Without about 5 straight moments being "Adam sings about being bummed". LOL. That would be pretty funny. The songs are a saving grace though. I inadvertantly wrote "The Journey" 4tvs show with them.
You know when I look at it all, I guess I'm not really so depressed career-wise. The problem is, I still don't have a fucking job, or a clue on how to get one that'll make more than $8 an hour. That's depressing. But career-wise, I'm just not so over-anxious as I was the first 3 years. Oh jesus, I'm speaking in years now. But really...I'm in LA. I have good ideas, I'll follow them through - and keep scheming. Someday I'll meet someone who'll add some life into those ideas, maybe add more -and it'll hit.
For some reason I'm adament it'll be another celbrity. I don't know why that is. I feel the only way I'm gonna be seen, is if a very famous person sees the show, and is determined to help. I think it's 'cause they can relate. They understand just how nuts 4tvs is, and how special it is. It's like talking to Michele. She has zero doubt. She saw it, was amazed and has no doubt it's gonna happen. With all the people she's worked with, that says a lot. I just feel like...a Robin Williams or something will happen upon the show and BAM give me the direction I need, or the path I need to follow. I just have to keep finding new and interesting ways to blow people away. I don't know...I'm rambling. But that's what's in my head now.
And maybe it will be Paul McCartney? Seeing as he saw it fit to put me and Jess in his new DVD. Seems only fair right?
How cool is that? Funniest thing. So I'm talkin to Marty as I'm beating his ass again at NFL2k3 (I'm 9-1). And he's like "wouldn't it be cool if you were in a shot". I keep saying there's just now way. The only LA shots are of celebrities, and are seats weren't that good. Then Scott comes by saying the same thing as we're watching it and I'm like "No way man - crowd's just too big". And then BAM. I pause it 'cause I realize the shot is in LA and could be close, and both me and jess run up to the screen at the same time and point us out. Thank GOD we wore white eh? If you watch it in motion you can see us swayin' around and shit. It's pretty cool. This is about a minute into "Hey Jude" if you were wondering. And again, THANK YOU DAD. That was something we absolutely never could've done on our own, and it's a lifetime memory. Hope you enjoy the DVD of it ;).
Now...how to spin this year into a video. (sigh)
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