ENTRY #221
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
3:09 AM, Thursday, October 24th, 2002:
Actually, after seeing the new "Bi-Polar" disorder commercial on TV, I guess I'm not. I believe I have pretty legitimate reasons to feel as depressed as I have, and in turn as excited as I was. I'm pretty logical when it comes down to it. With all the information I had, I had every reason to be STOKED a year ago. As well, unless you were the world's most BLINDLY arrogant person, the beginning of this year would've kicked your ass.
But I'm starting to feel it again. I'm starting to get those pangs of exhiliration when a good idea hits. It's all tempered with mild doses of pessimism, but I'm starting to see the road again. I don't feel completely lost anymore. And the creative Adam is finally coming back. Before I get into everything, I just have to show y'all a piece of a locked entry that has been kicking my ass for 6 months now. Some shit just can't stay locked, and because of her insistence on me changing her name, I can talk a bit more openly about Charlotte without fear of some legal repercussion. The following exchange occured right after the bathtub sequence and when I pretty much told Charlotte I was done. This was from an instant message:
"performing is what fuels you...creating isn't because if it were you would be doing just that when you are not performing, with or without me"
Whew. Now, anyone who knows me - who ever listened to all the songs I wrote, the hundreds of bits and characters I created in radio - and understood the progression of 4tvs knows this is a false statement. Period. But imagine if your manager told you this after spending a year with you. Someone you completely trusted, albeit within moments of breakdown - but it was still her honest opinion. You know what it does? It allows self-doubt to creep in. Couple that with about 10 other things she said to me that did the same thing (this is just the one that has stayed with me the longest) and you see the state I was in. For someone to be so close to me and feel this way absolutely, positively mindfucked me. This from a guy who "created" more at 25, than anyone I've ever heard of. Not to be an egotist - but if you really look at the body of work presented in just the 2 Late Show Anthologies alone...whew. And this is all with ZERO "performing". No clapping from an audience - nothing. The love of creation and challenging my mind to fill 6 hours of dead space each show with creative and enjoyable content. Here I am defending her MORONIC words...lol. But again, I digress. Just realize that this quote, goes through my mind everyday. Not that I want to prove her wrong (how could I possibly prove her right???!? LOLLOL), but it's just there. Hanging over me.
Now, to the bi-polar shit. And why I'm all giggly and happy. First and foremost, Michele's manager is hella-busy and not taking on any clients right now, but gave Michele some good ideas of people to contact and was genuinely curious about my predicament. Michele next told me of a book of personal managers I could get that would help me make a battle plan for getting the right person. God love her. I can't believe this shit even exists. The bookstore this was at "SAM FRENCH" is like a goldmine of information ALL related to the business. I could spend DAYS in there. Invaluable for info. Anyway - the book is incredible. Not only does it have a huge list of managers and the exact types they manage - but it has a foreward section by the author, Keith Wolfe, that basically tells EXACTLY what a good manager should and shouldn't do. WOW. This may be the best $12 I've ever spent. Thank you, thank you, thank you Michele for telling me about this.
Not that she's finished by any stretch...she calls her commercial agents and sets up a meeting with them for me on Monday. She told them everything that had happened with Charlotte and what I did, and they were genuinely excited. Michele even admitted that she is not one to usually "use" her contacts this way - but for some incredible reason she is willing to help. Unbelieveable. I'm working on a voice-over demo tape as we speak, and will have yet another card up my sleeve as well for the meeting... CUE NEXT COOL MOMENT NOW:
So my original plan was to take a good chunk of the money I made from the DVDs and make 50 promo DVDs that I would simply send out to managers. Yes, it would be an absolute CHUNK-O-CHANGE, but the product is good enough and who has a DVD?! Then again...who has a DVD player in these offices.... Grrrr. And as in the case on Monday there will be times when I will get a short 3-5 minute interview and be able to hand over my headshot and resume, that DVD will have a hard time getting seen. On top of that, the DVD doesn't work in some really old DVD players. DOH. If I could only Bring a DVD player and TV with me to just show em like THIRTY SECONDS to give them an idea of what the hell 4tvs is, maybe I coul.... Hey wait....
Hells yes.
Believe it or not these mofos are runnin' UNDER $300 now. And with one of these in my pocket on an interview, it will be such an easy way to let people "get" what the hell I'm talking about. As well - dude, if this doesn't scream "I've got my shit together" I don't know what does. The show itself, the fact that I have it on DVD, and the fact that it's in my POCKET... godDAMN. Most people out here don't even have the common sense to get legitimate headshots... so anyway - I'm STOKED. I'm no longer doing the 50 DVD thing, I'm just going to try and set up as many meetings as humanly possible armed with all this stuff. A lot of the good managers are by referral only - so I hope Michele can help. Either way, I am ready to go boy. This seems like such an obvious investment...
But wait, are we done? No. A couple weeks back a dude I've known for a bit at the apartment complex came to me with an idea. He had seen what I did, read "The Journey" and really wanted to throw this idea at me. I need to be semi-vague because we agreed to keep it hush for a bit. Anyway, I threw HIM an idea I had been sitting on for a bit and we really hit it off. In the coming weeks we'll be writing quite a bit and I expect nothing but good to come of this. I've needed a strong, hungry, creative mind to knock on my door - and well, that's exactly what he did. He's very busy with some video projects right now, but has been adament that he's extrememly interested in pursuing this - and I really believe that he's the partner I need to start/finish this. As well, I just have to get the Charlotte writing monkey off my back. A healthy creative relationship will just be so refreshing.
So this is the end of the entry...right? HELLLLLLS No. LOL. One last thing to be happy about before I fall asleep...
Can you believe it? I'm actually going to see a friggin' Beatle. I never in a million years thought I would - but my dad got the chance to see him on the 10th and immediately called me and said: "YOU WILL GO TO THIS CONCERT. MY TREAT. PERIOD" Apparently the show was THAT good. Easily the best birthday gift I've ever received in my life, and a day I'll never forget. Dad, I will obviously never be able to thank you enough for this. Jess and I are more than grateful. Means the fuggin' world to us right now - no way in hell we ever would've been able to do this on our own. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Have I said thank you enough in this entry? I'm just sincerely grateful for the support I get.
So expect an entry Tuesday. I don't expect to have any news on the "Commercial Agent" front even after the meeting. I can't imagine anything will happen in those few minutes that would make them sign me right then and there. Could they? No clue. I'm not expecting it anyway. Just happy to have a meeting to talk to someone about my career. That alone is more than I've done since the year 2001. LOL.
Damn, 2001 is the past. Isn't that strange?
PS - This is coming to you from the future, December 22nd to be exact. I had "Coming Soon" written in the video spot for 2 friggin' months and completely forgot about it. LOL. I was cleaning up my harddrives today, and figured - what the hell, let's put the "car-fire" from summer 2001 in here. LOL. Completely stupid and off-subject but at least it doesn't say coming soon anymore. Enjoy.
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