ENTRY #220
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
...round numbers strike again.
3:02 AM, Wednesday, October 9th, 2002:
It's well documented that I think too much. A big reason for this constant over-analyzation of course is this very website. I'm not sure many people can imagine just how much pressure "The Journey" is. Yes, it's a great discipline to have to keep the story going with video and entries, but it's also one helluva smack in the face when you're failing. What I'm about to talk about in this entry could very well be the beginning of the end of "The Journey". It's a very real possibilty that my life is now turning to domestic Adam, and away from any shot at making my dream come true.
Let me also say as well, that this is extremely personal. Unfortunately, people feel that since I share it with the world that it somehow equates with what they would share with the world. Please know that if it wasn't for the enormous dedication I've had to this project, I probably wouldn't even mention these feelings to my wife let alone broadcast them to everyone. But again, I said I would give everything to "The Journey" and this is exactly what that means.
Jessica will be quitting her job and attending the winter session at one of 2 community colleges to become an elementry school teacher. I will be working full-time to put her through for most likely the next 3-4 years. She simply cannot continue to be miserable day in and day out (as being a restaurant GM has made her), and I just love her too fucking much to allow it to happen any longer. I'm not so sure teaching in this city will be what she imagines it to be, but she's willing to do it here as opposed to back in Columbus, and that means everything. More than just a plan for her, it's the beginning of a plan for us to buy a house and have children relatively soon.
Now if you're over 40, and were a dreamer in your 20's - you most likely let out a sigh somewhere while reading that last paragraph. I'm making the same choices you did and somewhat allowing the dream to slip from my fingers ever so gently. I feel oftentimes I've lived my entire life from the eyes of someone 25 years older than me:  watching. It's why I feel so incredibly alone right now. For the first time in my entire life, I absolutely know in my heart that what I have dreamt of since I can remember will most likely not happen. Enter the rest of you:
"The hell are you talking about?!?! So you get a fucking job - it's about time! You're still in LA, you'll still pursue things - stop your mopin'!"
Believe me, I know all those things. I have a job interview tomorrow doing some video work at a production house, and am pretty excited. Finally contributing all the money again will be so nice for my psyche - and of course it'll get me off my ass and movin'! This can only be good right?
The problem with that scenerio is that this all cements one thing so much: I've completely failed for 3 years out here. And only BLIND optimism makes this scenerio a good thing. The truth of the matter is, I haven't done SHIT with my time out here. I've allowed some miserable cunt to fuck with my head so hard that I've pretty much curled up into a ball and hidden in front of a computer monitor for 10 months. I've wasted the opportunity afforded by my absolutely INCREDIBLE wife to have 3 years to pull ANYTHING off...and I've failed. The focus now shifts to her, and I know myself very, very well. I will jump into that role so hard, so good - that I will become the domestic Adam. If Jess and I don't have a house within a year I'll be SHOCKED. If Jess isn't pregnant within that next year I'll be SHOCKED. This moment, is the moment the roads merge. My Superstar road merges down into the domestic road and my focus turns to "our life" not my career. Of course I will continue with dabbling in career things, but I have always been the type of person to find a purpose and get obsessive with that purpose. My purpose is shifting, although gradually, and it's almost impossible to stop. I can feel the "Father Adam" movin' in, and the "I'm Crazy superstar Adam" movin' out.
The silver lining to ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL of this, is this one, absolutely beautiful piece of information: Simply BEING in this city is more important than nearly any other factor you can think of if you want to "make it". So with all my analyzation, the bottom line is - if we're in LA, the hope is still alive. Anything can happen, and I can still pursue it.
Let me also add that this analyzation is also the result of having ZERO to believe in for the past year. It really drains you. Charlotte's Web must have hit some motherload of baggage in the back of my psyche because the effects are just numbing. To say I'm not half the man I used to be is almost comical. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I have none of the fire I did. I've lost all faith...and nothing seems to truly bring it back.
Take all the recent events with Michele and with the movie. Yeah, it was fun for a few hours, but the bottom line is - I can't do extra-work anymore as I'll most likely have a full-time job starting this MONDAY and extra work is always last-minute. Michele's manager, in the most dreadful case of de ja vu, threw out her back and has been incapacitated for weeks so the meeting has never occured and is on indefinite hold. Remind you of a similar situation in May of 2001? So any pumping up I got from Michele just feels like another exhilerating breath followed by an exhausting exhale. Michele is still positive, but she's ALWAYS positive. God love her for that, but I can't just "be positive". I NEED some direction, anything ANYTHING to give me something to hold onto...
...and that's why what's occuring this week, getting a job, focussing on Jessica's dreams, is a HUGE red flag for "The Journey". If my past history is any indication - I will embrace the role to the point of obsession, and my dreams will take a major backseat. It's simply how I function. Give me direction and I'm a friggin' horse. I've been that goal oriented my entire life. But you take direction away from me and I'm an absolute wreck.
Oh yeah, and it's my 27th Birthday. LOL. Lennon would be 62 today. Can you believe that shit? Sixty-fuckin two. I brought my birthday up last simply because it's a coincidence. I'm really not bummin' about my birthday at all. The whole "shift" has easily overshadowed it.
Can I also say something to Jessica here? Babe, don't for a minute feel any guilt about this. I love you so much that I have NO PROBLEM stopping my life to make certain you are happy and see your dreams come true too. You are my equal. Your happiness brings me absolute joy. The reason I'm painting this in any bit of negative light is only because I'm throwing on a different set of glasses when writing this journey. I'm trying to delve into the core of my fears and hopes and feelings that most people hide. I'm scared, confused, frustrated, angry, elated...psychotic I guess. But the overriding emotion is: "Now is the time to do this for you." You've given me so much for so long, that the least I can do is give back. So please don't ever, ever think that I resent you or have any ill-will towards this. Remember that when we began talking about this I didn't hesitate to say: "Let's do it babe. Quit. Go back to school - I'll support you and put you through" I love you so much it's almost unnecessary to say. You are my equal. That is why I wrote these 2 simple lines over 3 years ago:
I will never be above you...
...two as one we'll fight the fight.
You've proven that to me, and now it's my turn. If it means I'll be behind the camera editing while we raise a family, I'm willing to do that. As I've said before - if you're willing to stay in this city, I'm willing to shift my focus - because simply by being here the dream persists.
Okay, now stop reading Jess.
Holy shit it's all over. LOL. Holy fuck I'm done. That's it, had 27 years - didn't do it, I might as well be moving back to Columbus.
That's my brain people: contradiction after contradiction. You know, if people ALLOWED themselves to be cotradictory more often - we'd be a lot happier. Ever notice that? If you're absolutely honest with yourself, guess what happens: You're completely contradictory. You feel one way and the COMPLETE opposite. On one hand, I'm happy to help my wife, on the other hand I wonder what I'd be like if I left her and struggled on my own. They're just thoughts of course - but goddamnit if we as humans aren't so bound and determined to never let that out. As if when we're caught in a contradiction that actually makes us ingenuine! How completely false that is!! Contradiction is the basis of all our emotions! Trying to avoid that only makes us miserable.
How 'bout I sum it all up. The bottom line is this: Without any sort of direction or personal plan for my career, it is absolutely irresponsible for me to ask Jessica to continue on as she has. This woman has worked her ever-lovin' ass off to give me the opportunity to pull this off, and I've done ZERO. And even moreso this year. I can blame it on Charlotte all I want, but if I can't handle one bad manager then I'm in the wrong business. I have no one but myself to blame, and that's a failure I will have to deal with personally. That's what has made this one of the loneliest weeks of my life. I'm feeling the shift with a complete lack of control and watching (from what feels like YEARS away) my dreams trickle beyond me... The outside of me is not giving up, but I can't put up a front in my journal. I feel this shift. And it's ripping my heart out. It's not a depression, it's not anger, it really is just a lonely, lonely feeling of heartache.
My God, will I ever be able to read some of these entries in the future... It seems so morbid to even think of this year of my life. Especially considering how well I made everything sound just one entry ago. Like putting frosting on a balloon.
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