ENTRY #217
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
11:15 PM, Thursday, September 19th, 2002:
Now I'm pissed. The J-Dog saga goes to a WHOLE 'nother level.
As you may remember I had to get rid of J-Dog because he apparently peed in someone's apartment. Well over the past 6 weeks since J-Dog was relocated, the story from "soiree-thrower's" end got more suspicious by the moment. What was once one spot became 3 spots, and the incessant use of the term "spraying" when referring to J-Dog just irked me even more. J-Dog's been fixed since 1996. What was once written off as just ignorance about cats has now turned into out and out suspicious bullshit. The fact that they bought all the cleaning equipment, rented and returned it - then 3 days later made this known and asked for money certainly looks bad. Seems as though their cat (who IS NOT fixed) pissed everywhere - they cleaned it up and wanted to blame it on someone. The fact that they never mentioned it until they cleaned everything and there was no evidence. Then they bitch to the apartment complex and get their whole apartment professionally cleaned again 'cause J-Dog now pissed in 3 places. !?!!? (sigh).
So as you know from before, I had to get rid of him and he was hangin' out at another complex with no problems. Well, J-Dog is now gone. (sigh) It's been over 3 weeks since J-Dog was last seen. I personally haven't seen him for over a month. He is officially gone...again. As was the fucking case last time, I get to sit and wonder what the hell happened to him forever. Did some asshole steal him, or was he given a good home. Is that even possible with J-Dog? Is he hurt? Is he dead? God-fuckin' damnit. Another fall of sadness. I would honestly rather him be put to sleep then be in any sort of pain or starving...
All of this because of what now seems like a complete "framing". "Soiree-thrower's" shiftiness doesn't help either. He freakin' screamed at the apartment manager's supervisor because she said she couldn't smell any urine. Scared her enough to leave his place and never come back. At least now people can see that the night he blew up and screamed obscenities at me during a party for not wanting to shake his hand was ANYTHING but an isolated incident. So on one hand the justification is nice, but on the other - my freakin' animal soul-mate could be in some horrible danger now. I freakin' hate this feeling. Yeah, I know he found his way back after 4 1/2 months last year, but lightening doesn't strike twice. And this isn't Mayberry, it's LA - a BIIIIIIIG city. So I just get to be freakin' angry, and bummed for a few months. Luckily Hijack has turned into an amazing pet over the past few months and he does lessen the pain. But DAMNIT to think this was all just someone trying to get their carpets cleaned 'cause THEIR cat pissed everywhere....whew. Ahh well, moving on.
Have a meeting with Michele tomorrow to help her with her site, and to talk about everything "manager-wise". I cannot express how amazing it feels to hear someone of her stature in this industry tell me what managers are "supposed" to do. She's been doing this for over 20 years and as well, has no vested interest in me other than we're both artists and she thinks she can help me out with some of her contacts. She doesn't want to use me to further her career (hahahaha, that's funny) - she just sees how much potential I have and really thinks the right manager will help. And the more I read some of the things that Charlotte actually said to me in the year I was with her, the more I just shake my head. I have a feeling tomorrow's meeting will be just as eye-opening. Here's hoping.
It all sucks right now because I know I'm underachieving, and I feel like it's almost completely out of my control. Pre-Charlotte that simply wasn't true. I didn't have direction pre-Charlotte but I was always performing and had an innocence about me that kept me hungry. I kept scheming. I kept dreaming. Now? I'm honestly still slammed from what occured in the last year. It seems like the only other answer right now, is someone sitting me down and seeing a road for me...
And I'm RIGHT BACK where I started from! Isn't that why the Charlotte situation got so out of whack Adam? You were so desperate for direction that you gave her EVERY bit of power because she had a direction for you? You did everything word for word. You hung on her every sentence. You believed her sooooooooooooooooooooo much because she seemed to have all the answers. Cut to 18 months later, and you're now longing for another situation like that?!?! Again, so lost, and if someone does show up then you'll just follow again?
This is what makes me feel like my only shot is out of my hands. It's driving me absolutely bonkers. Cue video.
WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE 4TVS. WHY. Why couldn't you have come out here after highschool Adam. Followed your music career. At least there's a path there. You could've beat down the doors for years and still been 21. Now you're a few weeks from 27 with this GODDAMN 4tvs show that is the biggest BLESSING and CURSE man has ever known. Seriously, a concept too good to drop, but too much to sell.
I know what you're all saying: "Just do the 2 shows you're already starting, get out there and perform them and it will happen". Yeah, I realize that, but the more I work on "The Journey" show - the more I realize that it's simply too early. You can't tell the story of "The Journey" NOW. It has to have an end. I want so badly to do it, and I know I will - but now is just not the right time. Luckily I know myself well enough to know why it's so important to me: It's creating a positive out of a negative. It's making my time with Charlotte into a creative, therapeutic, and entertaining outlet. I was truly moments away from suicide, and have actual video of me completely breaking down. As embarrasing as it is, if done right, there's a truly dramatic and inspirational story there. But it's just not ready yet.
Maybe tomorrow will be the start of the comeback. We'll see.
original video file