ENTRY #215
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
1:37 AM, Wednesday, September 4th, 2002:
It's been three years since I wrote an entry from Columbus. Back then they weren't entries as much as newsletters (the negative entries now). I could try and make some poetic point about where I am now, and where I've come from but screw that. My dad now has a VAIO so I can update with video and whatnot from here. Big deal. LOL. I dont' ALWAYS have to be melodramatic.
The trip is goin' well so far. Total pain in the ass to try and make sure no sides of the family feel like you're favoring one side over them. I swear y'all need to fuckin move out of this city. LOL. All of Jess's family AND extended family live in Columbus, as do both divorced sides of my family. It's absolutely nuts. You'd think 2 weeks would be enough, but it never is. Coming back for two weeks instead of one basically means everyone expects to see you double from the time before and if it's less, than you must not love them as much. HAHAHA. I'm really fuckin close to flying into CINCINATTI, and having everyone visit us. Heh. But it's still been great to see everyone. And it brings me to the real meat of the entry.
The support from everyone here is completely overwhelming. Last Sunday I was on the verge of tears the whole day. Everyone sincerely just wants to see me make it. There's no other motivation. They aren't rooting for me so they get rich, they aren't pulling for me so I can get them a part in a movie- they just want me to make my dreams come true. That is what would make them happiest of all. It's exactly what you would hope your loved ones felt and in most cases out here it's more than true. I can't tell you what it means to me. It's nearly indescribable.
What really gets me is how insanely selfish I was early this year by even considering ending my life. I went further than that and came a few moments away from it. I'll never be able to describe how close I was. I was truly out of my mind and it's been a slow uphill climb since that day, March 5th, to being me again. Truth be told, I'm not completely there. Tomorrow night's show will certainly be one step. It almost borders on cheesy to basically buy a memory by renting out a room and inviting your friends and family to see your show just to be happy. I really don't know if I'll come away thinking that - or if the reaction will make me forget the stagey-ness of it. At this point, I don't care. I'm actually bummed it's Wednesday right now because I've so enjoyed looking forward to this night, and very soon - it will be over. That's really what's missing in my life right now: something to look forward to. Direction, some sort of focus.
Which of course brings me to Michele Greene. The night before I left for Columbus she called me and had finally gotten a chance to check out the Trinitrons tape and was just so positive. Said her neighbors will probably complain she was laughing so loud. She seems determined to help me find the right manager to help me and generally was just overwhelmingly supportive. Even if nothing ever comes of this, the friendship is so nice to have. Because she's already successful I never get the feeling she's trying to get somethign out of me constantly. Of course I'd give her anything, but it's another one of those situations where she just wants to help. Sincerely thinks the product is great and wants to help get my talents in front of the right people. She's not trying to further her own career as a sitcom writer and using me to get her there, she's already been there and back. She's just a nice person. Period. And to hear anyone "in the industry" say such positive things means the world. Not to be rude to so many of you who have been gracious before, that still feels wonderful, but you guys don't determine my future. The industry does. And whether I like it or not, in order to "make it" in some capacity, the industry has to approve. Believe it or not, Michele is the first person to react positively about the show from within the industry. Hard to believe that in my entire time with Charlotte there wasn't one person who mattered that said there was anything special about the show. Goddamn I needed that at some point to reassure my faith in her. Never came. Ugh.
But anyway, someday if you read this Michele - thanks. Your kindness and incredible talent is what has kept you so successful in this city (and many others) and it won't soon be forgotten. Hopefully I'll be able to help you in the future.
For now I prepare for Thursday, and basically walk in and tip down the first domino. I'm pretty certain I could put a cardboard cut-out on stage and no one would care. LOL. It's the G and Spencer show anyway. But I will practice my ass off and be ready to kick-ass for sure. Expect an update Friday.
Oh yeah, the video. Uhm - let's just say it's me flyin' a small commuter plane. Jess's Dad bought everyone some flying time with an instructor. Cool huh? Enjoy.
original video file