ENTRY #210
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
1:47 AM, Monday, July 22nd, 2002:
Seriously, skip this one. No one wants to hear this personal journalistic drivel. Maybe this again is why no one's ever truly chronicled the road to success like this. Because there could truly be daily entries of self doubt, depression, what-ifs and so on.
So I pop in a tape of Me and Burgundie winter '93. Damn near 10 years ago. It's just us screwin' around with the camera me playin' piano (I swear I was a better pianist at 18) and playing my new (first) cassette: "Unreal". Feel free to look at my projects section and laugh. Singing to the songs, bein' all lovey and shit. And basically keepin' the camera on during a day. My mom comes in after going to a movie, just normal stuff. Man, I was there. I felt it. I felt 1993. I remembered what Burgundie smelled like. I remember hearing those songs for the first time and knowing in my heart I would make it. I remember the potential of my life then. And then Burg turned off the camera, the screen went Blue and it hit me: it's 10 years later...and not a damn thing happened the way I thought.
Welcome to life. It never does. You all reading it know that, but I'm in a suspended state of disbelief. So is every individual who makes the trek out here. They're the ones that hold onto their dreams just a bit longer than everyone else. So it doesn't sink in as fast...or of course it happens.
Cut to 2 days ago. Watching a CNN report on depression. It lists like 10 signs of depression that if you have 5 or more, you should see a doctor. Ya know how many I had? Seriously, absolutely all of them. All 10. It was basically a laundry list of how I've felt since February. Yes, the suicidal tendency is gone, but the fact that it was even there says something. Everything else is here now. I'm still within this depression. Yeah, I know I'm doing 4tvs things from now on - and I believe it's the right path but suddenly...my belief in something - means nothing. Ya know? There's a time in your life when simply you believing makes it so. Unfortunately now, I've been let down JUST enough times, to realize that I'm a fool just as much as the next guy. Just cause I believe something will happen means DICK now. I believed in Charlotte with every fiber of my being. As the months pass, and I remember the words she spoke (and wrote to me), it becomes so clear that she was clueless - and I needed to believe in SOMETHING. Anything. So I believe 4tvs is still the answer - so what! And knowing that I could be on the wrong path and am still generally clueless - makes my initial belief in 4tvs moot. Of course I'll still follow it - but the passion that was there before seems waning. How can you be passionate in the same way you were before? Is it even possible without some success? If you're passionate and fail 5 times in a row, how are you passionate for time #6? That's the kicker. Unless you have some success, it's very difficult to keep setting yourself up. Something HAS to break. Something HAS to happen postively for the light to truly be turned on.
Of course I need to be aggressive and make it happen - it's all a nice catch 22. Add in that I'm still fighting severe depression. No longer finding joy in activities you once loved. That was one of em. Holy shit is this not a glaring example of it. Nothing brings me happiness anymore. Take the Trinitrons DVD I'm putting together for the end of August. A creative portion of my brain I DIE to use, and I can barely do it anymore. It's like I don't care, because I know that 3 people will buy it. I took pride in making "Stronger Than Before", and all those projects - hell 10 of them? 12 of them? You pour your heart into these things and you make really, really professional pieces of work. Great, creative - and incredible pieces of work, and no one gives a shit. After awhile, the passion goes away. You can't ALWAYS just do things for the sake of art. At some point someone else has to dig it. And at some point - A BUNCH of people have to dig it. At least for me anyway. If that makes me a sell-out - fine. But I bet if every artist was honest deep down they'd admit it too... Art for art's sake is indeed alright - but without mass positive feedback, after awhile - it's just all masturbation.
Domestic life keep rearin' it's head too. Not Jess's prodding whatsoever. She's completley supportive. I just really want a family. And I don't wanna be 60 when my kid graduates (no offense dad - LOL) . I have shared memories of my father when he was in his 30s. I remmeber his 30s. Most likely my kid will see me as an OLD dude. At this rate I'll be past 30 before I have a kid. That's depressing to me. I want a kid now. But I want a house, a career and all that. And I can't go back to radio. LOL. Ever.
The guilt I feel draggin' Jess along weighs so heavily on me too. As it has the whole 2 1/2 years we've been doing this out here. If I was by myself it'd be easier in a sense that I'm bringin ME down, just me. If I wanna stay out here until I'm 40 to make this work - well so be it. I cannot make that sacrifice with Jess though. I love her too goddamn much.
(sigh) - I'm so mental....anyway.
So here we go. I'm performing in Columbus sometime between August 26th - September 7th. Yup, The Trinitrons are coming to Columbus. It will be the DVD release party. And this DVD is gonna friggin' RULE. I'm really workin' hard on it. It's gonna be the shit. Won't need to feel like you're giving to the "Kontras Fund" here, it's gonna be worth every penny. Pictures, hidden stuff. Clips from every show - all rolled into one...very nice. A great way to put a stamp on what is and was The Trinitrons as I move onto something else.
Now where to play? I'm actually trying to rent the Little Theater at Watterson High. It's perfect, and man - to play there again after 10 years would mean the world to me. Have a feeling they won't allow it - but I'm trying damn hard. I basically just want a theater, not a bar. I want people to come in, sit down - -see a show, and then hang out a bit afterwards. Not worried about spending money for it - I just wnat it to be an event. Thought about playing one of the old 4tvs joints but can't think of any. We'll see. As well, I'm gonna need - uhm 4 27 inch TVs. If anyone reading has a 27 inch TV, I'll rent it from you for a night. It has to be 27 inches...that's it. It's the one (errr 4) things I can't bring on the plane. Hell, I don't even know how I'm geting the machine on the plane that runs 4tvs. It might as well be a bomb. Don't know how I'll explain it.
Anyway - I'll let you know more as soon as I get a place and date. Most likely it'll be during the week around 7 PM. More info as I get it, but it IS happenin.
And that's really it for now. I pull myself out of this funk somehow, and get shit done before I head back to COlumbus. Then I make a push for The Journey to be finished by mid to late October, and get that rollin'. THat's my outline.
But to tell you the truth, my honest heart's truth right now? Make it through this year. I just want to be standing in LA in 2003. I feel so vulnerable, tired and beaten at this moment. I just want to be here to fight another year.


original video file
JULY 2002