So I'm at WTVN.
I just started my talk show. I start it off as if
4 years hadn't passed. Acting like I was just there
the day before. Exactly how I would if I were in this
situation - but in my head...I was. Finally after a
few minutes I laugh and start to explain that I am
indeed back for good. I tell the audience that I've
never been happier than I was when I had "The Late
Show". That's why I was back 4 years later... I then
looked down and saw the board light up with phone
calls. I went to hit the first caller, my first caller
in 4 years, and woke up.
Now I know
everyone describes their dreams as "soooo vivid", but
man - this was so vivid. Easily the clearest, most
succinct, perfect...nightmare I've ever had. In the
days since the dream, I find myself really wondering
how I can avoid this. To me, going back to Columbus
and back into radio symbolizes 2 "positive" things
too. Domestic life, kids, and of course - I loved
"The Late Show". Unfortunately, it is the ultimate
failure as well. And something I just cannot conceive
right now. I don't care if it kills me, I'm gonna make
it here. Nice choice of words
Kontras....(sigh)
But
the vision remains. Even wrote a song
about it. Wanna hear it? Here
it
goes...
LOL. Introducing the "new look" Adam
Kontras.
Yes, this is how I
will look for possibly 2 or 3 more weeks until the
bald patch keeps me from even having a nub on my chin.
It really is amazing how quickly this is spreading.
Much faster than the previous 1997-1998 hell. Speaking
of that, My mother-in-law ran into my first wife the
other day. And when asked if she had spoken with me
(we remained close friends well after the divorce) -
she said she had broken all ties with her past. Nice.
Thanks for tellin' me. But that's what she's always
been about. If she doesnt' want to deal with something
all of the sudden - BAM, she ignores it and never
responds if asked. Rather humiliating the amount of
times I've called her mom leaving messages, and not
knowing this. Or even when Jess and I went to her work
to say hi and everyone knowing we were unwanted there
but us. It's amazing how bad it hurts me really. The
saving grace of the divorce is that we were still
friends. Hell was even the photographer at my wedding
to Jess. We all got along fine. Naive of me to think
we'd continue talking? Probably. But it's not naive to
expect a returned phone call. Even if its to say:
"Listen, you're just too much of a reminder". Hey, I
understand that...but this, I don't. And the last tiny
bit of respect falls from the branch. So, so sad to
me.
Also sad, that the
vision that "The Comedy Store", would be the pinnacle
of my career if my "dream" came true. That would be
it. Truly, a NOTHING night when you look at it. I was
part of an off-comedy night on a Monday and it
garnered nothing for my career. Goddamn 4tvs seems to
be a bigger hinderence than a help. The Comedy Store
COULDN'T have been anything more - I'm not a
stand-up! Grrrr.... Whack-head Adam analyzes some
more...
Yeah, I can't help
but feel crazy. Not Tyson crazy mind you - but crazy.
You see that interview with him and the "white" chick
on Fox News? Dear GOD that man is out of his mind. I'm
not that gone, but I certainly feel like I'm a
freak. I can't for the life of me find out where the
hell I belong. At times I wish I had never thought of
4tvs and allowed the creativity that went into that -
to have spilled into another, more sellable, area.
It's not that my goal is to sell out, but I feel like
I'm this self contained carnival. The show is so
overwhelming, people can't see out side those 4 boxes.
The show is "amazing", "inspirational", "incredible" -
but the first question is - "When you gonna do another
one!?". (sigh). What's the point in doint The
Trinitrons Part 2? Seriously. What purpose would that
serve? ANd what's my goal now anyway?
It was assumed I'd
be like this when I left Charlotte. At least I assumed
it. At the time it was a "yeah, I may be back to
square one, but at least I'm still breathing". And I
have to look at it as such. I am past the hell that
was February and March. But when the dust
settles...I'm of course nowhere. I don't want to be an
actor. When I shut everything out, and listen to my
heart - I don't want to be an actor. I read these
acting message boards and people have such a RUSH when
they get a commercial or part in a show. They're high
for months. It wouldn't do that for me. Yeah, I'd be
happy to WORK. I'd enjoy the exposure. But, I do not
get a rush from acting in the same way as I get a rush
from creating something original. So I have 600
headshots I had to buy, and I might as well burn
em. They were needed when I was with Charlotte,
but now they're worthless. Maybe I can send them to
you guys as souvenirs. LOL. Hell you all can read my
early entries this year. I didn't want it then! I
was OK with it, because it was a PART of a much, much,
bigger goal (or so I tried to tell myself). But of
course now, what's that goal again? Heh.
Still hangin' with
the Improviders. It's gotten decidedly less fun the
past several weeks. You absolutely never know when
anyone's going to show up. And when they do, there's a
good hour of smokin', talkin, and screwin' off. This
is where I feel like the complete OUTSIDER of the
group. I don't have time to fuck around. I'm not the
busiest person in the world, but there's
ALWAYS something I could be doing other then
sitting in a theatre waiting for people. Come to find
out that When they say to be there at 10 AM, it really
means 10:30, which is really just 30 minutes before
practice starts at 11. (sigh). And even then it's
pushin' it. The "during part is still fun. But I
certainly see some blow-ups happening in the coming
months. And it's all stemming from my true feelings
about "Improv". I'm biting my tongue though, and
trying to enjoy it as much as I can. Anyway, the first
show is tomorrow night. I won't be doing any of the
improv stuff for the first show apparently, but will
be doing The Trinitrons. The following Wednesday
should be when I jump on and do some improv stuff. I'd
happily do some now, but actually wouldn't mind
watching it as an audience member at least once. In
fact, it'll tell quite a lot. I'll be curious as to
how I REALLY feel about all this after I watch a show.
Anyone wanna take bets on if it'll change my feelings?
Heh. Here's the flyer:
Handed some out
today with a few of the fellow "Improviders". I
certainly do dig hangin' out with the fellow
performers. We'll see how it goes
tomorrow.
Anyway, life is
overall shitty and depressing right now. For both Jess
and I. Although she kicks ass at her job, it doesn't
make it any easier. She's working a 15 hour day today
because she's understaffed. She now works a 6 day week
and her only day off is filled with phone calls, and
half the time she goes in to help out. We're usually a
balance for each other - when I'm down she's up and
vice versa. Right now though, we're both kinda "eh".
That light I needed so badly just months ago could be
years off. This year is almost half over, and I have
zero to show for it again. I try and work on Adam
& The Journey, and it just wipes me out. Still way
too close.
Damn, #200 is just
LOOOOOMIN' boy. What on earth am I gonna
do...
