ENTRY #198
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
7:32 PM, Tuesday, May 7th, 2002:
So I'm at WTVN. I just started my talk show. I start it off as if 4 years hadn't passed. Acting like I was just there the day before. Exactly how I would if I were in this situation - but in my head...I was. Finally after a few minutes I laugh and start to explain that I am indeed back for good. I tell the audience that I've never been happier than I was when I had "The Late Show". That's why I was back 4 years later... I then looked down and saw the board light up with phone calls. I went to hit the first caller, my first caller in 4 years, and woke up.
Now I know everyone describes their dreams as "soooo vivid", but man - this was so vivid. Easily the clearest, most succinct, perfect...nightmare I've ever had. In the days since the dream, I find myself really wondering how I can avoid this. To me, going back to Columbus and back into radio symbolizes 2 "positive" things too. Domestic life, kids, and of course - I loved "The Late Show". Unfortunately, it is the ultimate failure as well. And something I just cannot conceive right now. I don't care if it kills me, I'm gonna make it here. Nice choice of words Kontras....(sigh)
But the vision remains. Even wrote a song about it. Wanna hear it? Here it goes... LOL. Introducing the "new look" Adam Kontras.
Yes, this is how I will look for possibly 2 or 3 more weeks until the bald patch keeps me from even having a nub on my chin. It really is amazing how quickly this is spreading. Much faster than the previous 1997-1998 hell. Speaking of that, My mother-in-law ran into my first wife the other day. And when asked if she had spoken with me (we remained close friends well after the divorce) - she said she had broken all ties with her past. Nice. Thanks for tellin' me. But that's what she's always been about. If she doesnt' want to deal with something all of the sudden - BAM, she ignores it and never responds if asked. Rather humiliating the amount of times I've called her mom leaving messages, and not knowing this. Or even when Jess and I went to her work to say hi and everyone knowing we were unwanted there but us. It's amazing how bad it hurts me really. The saving grace of the divorce is that we were still friends. Hell was even the photographer at my wedding to Jess. We all got along fine. Naive of me to think we'd continue talking? Probably. But it's not naive to expect a returned phone call. Even if its to say: "Listen, you're just too much of a reminder". Hey, I understand that...but this, I don't. And the last tiny bit of respect falls from the branch. So, so sad to me.
Also sad, that the vision that "The Comedy Store", would be the pinnacle of my career if my "dream" came true. That would be it. Truly, a NOTHING night when you look at it. I was part of an off-comedy night on a Monday and it garnered nothing for my career. Goddamn 4tvs seems to be a bigger hinderence than a help. The Comedy Store COULDN'T have been anything more - I'm not a stand-up! Grrrr.... Whack-head Adam analyzes some more...
Yeah, I can't help but feel crazy. Not Tyson crazy mind you - but crazy. You see that interview with him and the "white" chick on Fox News? Dear GOD that man is out of his mind. I'm not that gone, but I certainly feel like I'm a freak. I can't for the life of me find out where the hell I belong. At times I wish I had never thought of 4tvs and allowed the creativity that went into that - to have spilled into another, more sellable, area. It's not that my goal is to sell out, but I feel like I'm this self contained carnival. The show is so overwhelming, people can't see out side those 4 boxes. The show is "amazing", "inspirational", "incredible" - but the first question is - "When you gonna do another one!?". (sigh). What's the point in doint The Trinitrons Part 2? Seriously. What purpose would that serve? ANd what's my goal now anyway?
It was assumed I'd be like this when I left Charlotte. At least I assumed it. At the time it was a "yeah, I may be back to square one, but at least I'm still breathing". And I have to look at it as such. I am past the hell that was February and March. But when the dust settles...I'm of course nowhere. I don't want to be an actor. When I shut everything out, and listen to my heart - I don't want to be an actor. I read these acting message boards and people have such a RUSH when they get a commercial or part in a show. They're high for months. It wouldn't do that for me. Yeah, I'd be happy to WORK. I'd enjoy the exposure. But, I do not get a rush from acting in the same way as I get a rush from creating something original. So I have 600 headshots I had to buy, and I might as well burn em. They were needed when I was with Charlotte, but now they're worthless. Maybe I can send them to you guys as souvenirs. LOL. Hell you all can read my early entries this year. I didn't want it then! I was OK with it, because it was a PART of a much, much, bigger goal (or so I tried to tell myself). But of course now, what's that goal again? Heh.
Still hangin' with the Improviders. It's gotten decidedly less fun the past several weeks. You absolutely never know when anyone's going to show up. And when they do, there's a good hour of smokin', talkin, and screwin' off. This is where I feel like the complete OUTSIDER of the group. I don't have time to fuck around. I'm not the busiest person in the world, but there's ALWAYS something I could be doing other then sitting in a theatre waiting for people. Come to find out that When they say to be there at 10 AM, it really means 10:30, which is really just 30 minutes before practice starts at 11. (sigh). And even then it's pushin' it. The "during part is still fun. But I certainly see some blow-ups happening in the coming months. And it's all stemming from my true feelings about "Improv". I'm biting my tongue though, and trying to enjoy it as much as I can. Anyway, the first show is tomorrow night. I won't be doing any of the improv stuff for the first show apparently, but will be doing The Trinitrons. The following Wednesday should be when I jump on and do some improv stuff. I'd happily do some now, but actually wouldn't mind watching it as an audience member at least once. In fact, it'll tell quite a lot. I'll be curious as to how I REALLY feel about all this after I watch a show. Anyone wanna take bets on if it'll change my feelings? Heh. Here's the flyer:
Handed some out today with a few of the fellow "Improviders". I certainly do dig hangin' out with the fellow performers. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.
Anyway, life is overall shitty and depressing right now. For both Jess and I. Although she kicks ass at her job, it doesn't make it any easier. She's working a 15 hour day today because she's understaffed. She now works a 6 day week and her only day off is filled with phone calls, and half the time she goes in to help out. We're usually a balance for each other - when I'm down she's up and vice versa. Right now though, we're both kinda "eh". That light I needed so badly just months ago could be years off. This year is almost half over, and I have zero to show for it again. I try and work on Adam & The Journey, and it just wipes me out. Still way too close.
Damn, #200 is just LOOOOOMIN' boy. What on earth am I gonna do...
original video file
MAY 2002