That's a damn good
"AHHHHHHHH". Finally. After 4 months of HELL. There is
one, positive light.
this may be all there is. This could just
be one audition, this could just be
another letdown - but right now
SHUT UP. Let me enjoy this. Let me
feel like I've just played "The Comedy
Store" for ONE DAY. K? Let me lose my
mind as I have in this
for just a tiny bit. I have 4 months
to make up for. I am most certainly
blowing this event way out of proportion.
I know that. I'm being rash,
arrogant, and stupid to be so happy. SO.
WHAT. LOL. With that being said, how's
this for a story:
So Charlotte and I
are talkin' on an instant message about the
disillusionment of our manager/client relationship. As
I said, it's been very difficult to get to that point.
She mentions how she was looking in the
5 POP CANS ON MY DESK, 1
GUESS WHICH ONE I KNOCK OVER.
AHHHH. HANG ON.
Jesus, I just got
made fun of for saying "pop". Apparently it's "soda"
out here and only 80 year olds say pop. Whatever. So
where the hell was I... Here I'll just give you an
excerpt of the IM:
I bet it helps that your new found video
game case business is keeping you busy,
it's pretty mindblowing
It doesn't necessarily keep me busy, but
it's bringing in some money
funny I read about that and then how MTV
was looking for a host with video game
didn't we send in
well that's nice...that was E!..MTV is
or was that
well shit Charlotte...
what the hell do I do now?
like dangling bacon in front of a
sorry, hell now you
know what it feels like when I go through
the breakdowns every day
So I saw her side,
she paid a BUNCH of money for these breakdowns (faxes
for agents and managers about upcoming auditions) and
now she can't even use them, and of course - FUCK I'd
be perfect for this. Well the next day she calls me
and says she went ahead and submitted me. She said
whatever happens, happens - but it was shitty of her
to bring it up knowing how friggin' excited I'd be
about it. Totally, totally, cool. I knew it wouldn't
garner anything, but it was a very cool gesture by
someone who was feeling quite "fucked over" by me
walking away. She most certainly didn't need to do
that, and went the extra mile. Even wrote a nice cover
letter along with my headshot:
Per the Breakdowns, I
want to submit my client Adam Kontras for
the host of the Untitled Video Game
Project you are casting. Adam is the
perfect candidate for the job for the
-Rabid gamer with
extensive knowledge of video games, from
the old to the newest of the new and owns
all of the current video platforms -
Playstation 2, Cube and X-Box, as well as
a classic Ms. Pac-Man machine.
-Staff reviewer for
PlanetGameCube.com, a popular on line
magazine for the Game Cube and will be
attending the E3 convention where the
newest in gaming technology is unveiled.
-Nintendo's Game Cube
games are mini-DVs that come in cases that
are much too large for it's contents.
Perturbed by this packaging annoyance,
Adam started Minicases.com where he sells
minicases for all Game Cube titles.
-Adam is an
experienced radio talk show host, good
with improvisation and is quick on his
feet and with his wit.
-Pop culture junkie.
This is your man! If
you need any additional information,
please feel free to call me.
So you better
believe I was SHOCKED to get a phone call from her
today saying they want me to come down to MTV tomorrow
and talk with one of the producers. In fact when I
hung up the phone, I experienced something that has
been oh so missing in the year 2002: joy. In fact it
quickly escalated to the next level of elation in
about 2.3 seconds. Had to call everyone that would
give a shit and be excited. And although I know I'm
going overboard, I have more reason to be excited than
just being called back for an audition. Sometimes,
you're just RIGHT for a part. I mean, are you kidding?
Did I not just write the "Digital Crack" entry?
Showing a video of a FREAK and his wife addicted to
games? Am I not making a business out of selling
MiniCases for GameCube games? Do I not live, and
BREATH videogames? From my Ms. Pac-man table to every
damn console. It's my one true addiction.
I OWN THIS MUTHA. How nice to be able
to walk into MTV tomorrow afternoon and KNOW it's
yours. Of course the chances of me getting this gig
are very, very slim. But it makes no difference - this
bitch is mine. They obviously saw my headshots, so
I guess I'm the MTV look they want - now
it's just up to my gaming knowledge and comfort in
front of the camera. HELLS YES. That wasn't a
typo btw. LOL.
As well there's an
audition for an Improv group this Ssturday that I'm
preparin' for. Yes, I know, not my most favorite thing
on the earth - but I NEED a schedule. I need
something to sink my teeth into every week. I need the
excercise. Hell, half the reason I was so happy about
the MTV thing?!?!
I HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO TOMORROW!
LOL! I have an appointment for 11:30 tomorrow
afternoon. Someone is expecting me!!! DAHHH!!
I haven't needed to be anywhere in sooooooooooo
loooooooooooong. I'm human now! I have a car now!
I will drive MY CAR, to an APPOINTMENT, TOMORROW!
Sad isn't it? So little to get me excited.
And yes, I'm
wearin' my heart on my SHOES at this point. But that's
me. And that's what reading "The Journey" is all
about. I don't hold back. I don't think too damn much
before I write things. I say what I feel, and what
this all REALLY feels like. The Journey is filled
with contradictions left and right, just like everyone
has. DOH! Good segue:
givin' me a little grief about the "soiree-thrower"
entry where I said I held myself to a higher moral
standard, yet had he been a powerful casting director,
I'd probably let him walk all over me. She said that
was hypocritical. You know what?
Welcome to life.
Everything is a struggle. I try to be as moral as I
can, but in certain cases - fuck no, I'm gonna look
out for me. If a casting director was disrespectful to
me, but then offered me a role in a TV show?
I'M TAKING IT. I wish I had the moral fiber
to keep that from happening. I wish I could
demand to be treated with respect from eveyrone on the
planet. I can't right now. I'm way too low on the
scale of things to turn that shit down. That doesn't
mean I'm not trying. I am well aware that there's
many, many things wrong with that entry. Hell, with
the entire "soiree-thrower" fiasco - I'm certain I
will look back on it all and cringe. But that, is what
makes "The Journey" different than anything in the
world. It's real-time. It's real-honest. And sometimes
I mean, do you
know how badly I want to take down the bathtub video?
Any idea how painful that is for me? You do realize
that there was nothing "produced" about that, right?
I simply set-up a camera while I took a bath
and talked about how things were going. FOR ME
TO SEE, not to post. But then something happened.
I imagined what it would be like to have a gun in my
mouth. I was able to see myself on the tiny camcorder
screen and it scared the FUCK out of me. It was the
lowest point of my life...and good GOD - it was on
TAPE. I proceeded that day to find every pill (about
12 bottles of pain pills) in the house and truly
contemplated ending it. That's amazing to me. That, is
"The Journey". From the honest and sincerity of last
November, to this March. Now I could hide the bad
parts. I could've kept that video private. Many sides
of me still feel I should've. But if I'm gonna do
this, I'm going all the way - as long as I can.
Eventually, "The Journey" online, will end. But I'll
be damned if I hold back the biggest moments because
they hurt. Or because they're embarrasing, or because
I look hypocritical. If I start to "lock" those
moments, this is worthless.
Didn't I say
I was done talking about that shit? (sigh). I
still think about it, because I know a lot of you
feel like I'm "creating drama" by putting up a video
like the bathtub. It's those kind of thoughts that ran
through my head when I was at my lowest. That no one
would ever believe my unless I did end it. They'd all
think I was just being over-dramatic, and that I
didn't REALLY feel that way. Maybe that's the curse of
the creative person... People assume you're always
creating. What a story man. This whole thing 192
entries later has become such an oddity. It's such a
character study. And I play all these parts (imagine
that). It's like when I'm writing the entries, I'm a
reader, an analyst, a critic, a DICK, a supporter. So
Wow, I'll stop
now. There will be an entry tomorrow. All we can do is