- 12:21 AM, Monday,
April 1st, 2002:
- Where the hell do
I start this. ... ... Ok, this afternoon I went
to get a hammer out of my trailer to fix some things
around the house. Not only wasn't my hammer there, my
trailer was gone. No joke. Unfortunately this story
doesn't end like the "towing" story many of you
remember from way back in 1999. It wasn't towed...it
was stolen. Get ready for one helluva rant. The bottom
line is, I simply cannot come up with the nearly
$6000 to replace the trailer and equipment, and my
insurance doesn't cover a thing because I had no
garage to store it in. Not only can't I afford it, it
really puts a spotlight on if I SHOULD replace
- I won't sit here
and make accusations of what I think happened.
This is a gated parking lot and only residents have
access to it. As well, I actually had a lock
ON the hitch...but apparently that was no match
for whomever wanted it. They simply backed a car or
truck up to it, and calmly drove off. The worst part?
I have NO IDEA when it was missing.
I haven't had a FREAKIN' show in 2 months. I told
the police that I saw it 2 weeks ago when I was
lookin' for J-Dog one night, but that was a complete
guess. The bottom line is absolutely everything has
been pawned by now. There's not a chance in hell of
getting anything back. I'd start checking the pawn
shops - but it could've been stolen nearly a month
ago... Fuck me.
- I know
exactly what you're all thinking... this doesn't have
to be the end of 4tvs. I can find a way to put it back
together and continue this. If there was one shred of
evidence that 4tvs had any possibility of helping me
make it, I'd absolutely agree. Hell I'd consider this
just one helluva bump in the road. The bottom line is
that in the nearly 3 years I've performed 4tvs, it's
gotten me nothing but a few pats on the back.
Impressive? Yes. A vehicle for success?
- And before
I lose my mind thinking about just how horrible
this is, I need to look at one positive: Had this
not happened, I'd be following my dreams with ONLY
4tvs forever and ever until I gave up. Now, I
have to find a new way. This forces me to reinvent
myself. In fact, I'm pretty sure this is the only
goddamn way I would ever realize that 4tvs was never
gonna get me anywhere.
- Ok, so that's my
nice spin on it. I need to vent for just a
- FUCK. ME. I can
pull my little "positive spin doctor" routine all I
want, but the bottom line is - this is easily the low
point of my life. Jess is absolutely CRUSHED. I
haven't even called my friggin' father. I can't even
bear to hear him try to be positive right now. This
couldn't be worse. Since November of 1998 I've spent
every second of every day working on this project and
now it's been ripped from me. AND GODDAMNIT - right at
the moment when I needed something positive the
most. It really is one of those situations that is
SO bad, it's almost poetic. It makes you believe
in a higher power. If this isn't a sign, I don't know
- Fuck that, I don't
believe in that crap. There was no "reason" this
happened other than some FUCK wanted to screw me and
did. It had to be an inside job, but the fact that it
could've been ANY TIME in the last MONTH
absolutely kills any chance of figuring this out.
Could I put it back together? Trailer's about
$2000, equipment around $2500-$3500. Jesus...for WHAT.
For a festival I may not get into? For an idea that
has done NOTHING FOR ME? No, this is ove.r
this is done. I remember back in May of 1999, someone
tried to break into my house where I had all my
equipment. Had that happened then, there'd be no 4tvs.
I never would've replaced them. Had it happened 6
months later, I'd have found a way because there was
still untapped potential...
- ...but now 4tvs is
tapped out. I have no idea what I wold do with
the TVs even if I had them...
I can't BELIEVE this happened. What am I
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SITE?!?!
What does 4tvs.com mean now?!!? FUCK. GREAT, I never
thought of that. 4tvs.com. My friggin'
LICENSE PLATE says 4tvs.com. I have to
replace them. I HAVE TO. But why? What's the
point? Is that what I do for the next few week? Try to
think of a good enough reason to rationalize another
$5-6000 investment? I'm totally stuck here. My heart
wants 4tvs SO BAD. I always dreamed that one room
in my house would always have the set-up ready. So at
any moment I could relive a few moments of my past.
Even when I've moved past 4tvs, I wanted to have
them to perform from time to time. That's exactly what
I'm gonna do. Even if it takes 5 years, I will piece
back together everything. Then when I get a house, I
will have them again. But for the immediate future -
I'm SCREWED. What the HELL am I gonna do now.
- Alright, well
there's not a whole lot to add here. I could say
fuck about 500 more times, and that's not gonna change
anything. I'll leave the rest of the "fucks" to you.
You who didn't bother to read the date before you read
this. Three. Straight. Years.